tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-40375693949612636272024-02-21T04:31:38.243-08:00Bulimia GirlYou are rational. Ed doesn't make senseEmily Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11825753991702537079noreply@blogger.comBlogger295125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4037569394961263627.post-21700301960983729152014-10-04T13:22:00.005-07:002014-10-04T13:22:53.746-07:00Nothing but Mammals<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Today I went to the zoo with one of my friends. The event was "date party" but not everyone brings actual dates. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We weren't signed up for a group, so we joined one with my lovely friend Chris (male) in it. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Chris and I have a long horrible history of hating each other and acting awful. Currently we're something like friends with benefits, and we have an agreement where he does nothing with girls unless I ok it and I do nothing with guys unless he oks it. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">At the zoo, his friend who invited him was pretty flirty. I didn't care until I noticed that HE was the one initiating everything, including holding her hand (interlocking fingers, guys) and walking with arms around each other. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In my book, that's making a move, and I was mad about that for a couple reasons. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">1. I did not say it was ok, and he was doing it RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">2. He used to do that to me when we were dating. This either means that he wants to date this girl, or that what he did with me didn't mean anything. The latter makes me feel worse.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I feel betrayed. I just want to cry and lie in my bed and not talk to him. </span><br />
<br />
<br />Emily Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11825753991702537079noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4037569394961263627.post-44485202326484969712014-09-23T15:47:00.002-07:002014-09-23T15:47:54.497-07:00Freerice<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Here's my social work plug of the week:</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">go to <a href="http://freerice.com/">freerice.com</a> and play for a bit. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The website donates ten grains of rice for every correct answer, which goes towards feeding starving people somewhere in the world.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The way it works is that the advertisements generate revenue somehow, so you are actually helping by clicking on answers to vocabulary questions. </span>Emily Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11825753991702537079noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4037569394961263627.post-28171830503257127542014-09-22T05:25:00.006-07:002014-09-22T05:25:57.994-07:00Goals of the Week<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My goal last week was to exercise every day except Wednesday and Friday. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And guess what, I did it! All of it, not just most days. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I'm going to keep that goal, and add on to it not to eat unless I'm hungry. I'm hoping I'll be able to do the last part every day, but if I do it 4/7 days of the week that's fine with me. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">What are your goals? </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">How'd you do on last week's?</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Here's a fun little song I discovered this week:</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4TV_128Fz2g">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4TV_128Fz2g</a></span>Emily Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11825753991702537079noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4037569394961263627.post-67899043638306003482014-09-20T08:59:00.005-07:002014-09-20T08:59:54.346-07:00Media and Eating Disorders<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Recently I gave a presentation about a media article I found online about Eating Disorders. The presentation was supposed to be short and sweet, so I didn't go into too much detail. One of my slides talked about recommendations for social workers, and I put "refocus society" as my top bullet point. In my speech I explained this as having the media focus less on the slimming down of bodies. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Boy was I reamed out for that. I'm sure I wasn't actually reamed out, it just felt that way because I was on the spot. But my classmates launched into this whole discussion about how eating disorders are not caused by the media, and I went back to my seat embarrassed. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Personally, I do not think the media cause eating disorders (majority of the time). I also don't think parents cause eating disorders (majority of the time). However, I do think that the media influences eating disorders. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">For example, there was a study done in a remote country that had no access to television. When TV was introduced, girls started wanting to become thinner. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Clearly, television's portrayal of what is sexy influences girls to have a "get thinner" mindset. This can feed into low self esteem which in turn feeds into eating disorder behaviors. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I also think a lot of times EDs start out as diets. Girls see people in magazines and television and look at people around them, and they want to lose weight so they eat less. And then somewhere soon along the way the eating disorder rears its head and takes over. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">One of my classmates talked about how most people with eating disorders he knows have them as a way to keep control of their lives. Yeah, of course. Eating disorders aren't about food or weight issues at the core, but those things surround them. If everyone on TV was obese and that was portrayed as sexy I bet we'd have a lot more cases of binge eating disorder. Because eating disorders are a lot of times about keeping control, but you want to control your body to perfection, and skinny is what perfection is right now. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Even if the eating disorder isn't about perfection the media has a hand in its development. For example, a lot of times I binge because I'm emotional. Anxious, nervous, angry. If I didn't believe that skinny was good and fat was bad, I would probably be less likely to purge. I would also be less likely to get emotional over the fact that I'm becoming fat, leading to less bingeing. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Why is skinny good and fat bad? Because everything tells me so. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">An example of how media can shape our beliefs about body types:</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">When I was younger, before I talked to any boys, I believed that the skinnier you were the more attractive you were. No matter what. I don't know why exactly, but I didn't have models of guys liking girls except for movies and TV shows I watched. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">When started dating and found out that guys actually don't like super-skinny girls more than normal-sized girls, it was a revelation to me.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I feel like I'm still talking out of my ass, but at least I got a better chance to defend myself against my own stupidity. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">What do you think?</span>Emily Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11825753991702537079noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4037569394961263627.post-5049235766812489312014-09-15T15:19:00.003-07:002014-09-15T15:19:24.405-07:00Goals of the Week 6<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Last week my goal was to not eat in my room. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I mostly did that. And there was definitely less stuffing of my face going on because of it. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">However, I did have a few bad days. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">For instance, on Friday, I ate dinner, then I ate dinner again at Hillel, and then I ate again when I drank after dancing. Of course, purging in between. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My suitemate gave me such a look on Saturday morning when she discovered that all four of my friends had slept over (in my bed too, since it's pretty big. Such a weird experience). </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This week my goal will be to exercise every day according to my goal. Not Wednesday or Friday since I have field education, but I'm alternating between weights and running for 30 minutes. Today is weights, and I didn't do it this morning because I was lazy. There are still 6 hours left in the day though. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">What are your goals?</span>Emily Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11825753991702537079noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4037569394961263627.post-85810174292907814292014-09-11T09:18:00.001-07:002014-09-11T09:18:14.292-07:00Grad School vs Undergrad<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This year is my first year of grad school! Yaaay! </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And I've noticed several differences in the way I think and the way I live that I think would be useful to someone considering grad school.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I'm going to get my master's in social work, by the way. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">1. Grad school classes are all papers. In undergrad it was mostly rote learning, here you have to discuss discuss discuss</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">2. classes are 2-3 hours long. And once a week</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">3. You can't live on campus. You're on your own. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">4. Experience is a must. Meaning they make sure you get experience. It's just as important as the class work, which is way different than undergrad thinking. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">5. Every class is what you'll face in life. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">6. You get to go around knowing you're in grad school and feeling self-important.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">7. Readings will kill you. You will drown in readings. No more life for you.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">What are your experiences with school? </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Also, responding to a comment on a recent post: Yes, anyone can use anything from this blog! It's public, and I'm anonymous, so I don't care who sees it or if you steal something from it. The point of this blog is to help myself and be a resource if anything I learn helps anyone else. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Another comment: #7 on my list is very true. Thus, I'm way behind on reading people's blogs and I might be behind for a while. I'll do it when I can but school comes first. </span>Emily Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11825753991702537079noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4037569394961263627.post-75785800621020006592014-09-09T10:22:00.000-07:002014-09-09T10:22:02.567-07:00Goals of the Week 5<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So last week I achieved my goal about 4 days of the week. I had one horrible horrible day where I threw up about 7 times and bought about 20 dollars worth of food. I don't even know why. But that day is over and I'm working on recovery. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This week my goal will be to not eat in my room. I have a feeling that will cut my eating by a lot...</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Also, apparently more threesomes/foursomes are happening. It's very distracting. I should be writing papers, not thinking about places to have kinky sex. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">What are your goals for the week? How did you do on last week's goal</span>Emily Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11825753991702537079noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4037569394961263627.post-13455015851198684292014-09-02T10:04:00.004-07:002014-09-02T10:17:15.680-07:00Money<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Eating disorders are EXPENSIVE. If
you binge and purge you have to go out and buy food (unless you steal it, but
thankfully I haven’t done that yet). You have to buy makeup because every time
you purge yours gets messed up. You have to buy scales. You have to buy the
more expensive safe foods. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">When I get a craving for chocolate,
it can’t be hershey’s bars. Well, it could, but I would just end up buying the
more expensive stuff as well because I HAVE to have it. It’s not a question of
wanting, it’s a question of absolutely needing it to survive. I can’t do
anything unless I have that chocolate. Unless I eat ten pastries in a row. And
if I try to binge on Hershey bars when I want pastries I binge on Hershey bars
and the craving is still there. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Yet another reason to get rid of the
eating disorder.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Any other expenses I've missed?</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">update: Spent $4 on food today. One day down, six more to go! </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Emily Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11825753991702537079noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4037569394961263627.post-31283839217271347832014-09-01T09:43:00.000-07:002014-09-01T09:43:05.507-07:00Goals of the Week 4
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I guess I kind of forgot about
goals the previous week. But that’s ok, because the one I had was great! It was
to get up at 7 AM every day. Ha, yeah right. However, the goal was helpful
because it did make me get up at 7 SOME days, which I wouldn’t have done
otherwise. I really need to rearrange my sleep schedule, because it’s really
not conducive to attending classes or going to work on time. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My goal this week will be to not
spend more than 7.29 on food each day. I choose this particular number because
a smoothie and half salad costs 7.29 at tropical smoothie, and I really want
smoothies. I also did my budget for the last two weeks and I spent over THREE
HUNDRED DOLLARS. Granted, 100 of those were for CE credits, and another 70 went
to things like strip clubs and movies, so I can easily eliminate that from my
spending. But now I only have about 200 dollars for the entire month of September.
So I have to cut it tight. And that means no more late night trips to the
chocolate store when I get cravings. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In terms of behaviors, I’ve been
doing really well! I haven’t purged for at least two weeks and even though I’ve
overeaten a lot I wouldn’t say I’ve been bingeing too often. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">How did you do on your goals? What
are some new ones for this week?</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Emily Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11825753991702537079noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4037569394961263627.post-58912002318916807102014-08-28T09:15:00.001-07:002014-08-28T09:15:27.460-07:0010 Uplifting Songs<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">These are songs that make me feel powerful after I listen to them. As always, leave more in the comments!</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">1. You are Loved</span><br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EGLSk3AVcUU"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EGLSk3AVcUU</span></a><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">2. Better Son-Daughter</span><br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0sy7y54XAE"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0sy7y54XAE</span></a><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">3. Tubthumping</span><br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2H5uWRjFsGc"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2H5uWRjFsGc</span></a><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">4. Unwritten</span><br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b7k0a5hYnSI"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b7k0a5hYnSI</span></a><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">5. You Raise me Up</span><br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aJxrX42WcjQ"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aJxrX42WcjQ</span></a><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">6. Lean on Me</span><br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KEXQkrllGbA"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KEXQkrllGbA</span></a><br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">7. Circle of Life</span><br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HwSKkKrUzUk"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HwSKkKrUzUk</span></a><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">8. When you Believe</span><br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gur8ccqrQ9c"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gur8ccqrQ9c</span></a><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">9. We Are Done</span><br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hTDjq6HECj0"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hTDjq6HECj0</span></a><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">10. God Bless the USA</span><br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q65KZIqay4E"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q65KZIqay4E</span></a>Emily Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11825753991702537079noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4037569394961263627.post-10300083200338990642014-08-25T10:28:00.003-07:002014-08-25T10:28:37.670-07:00Foursome Quest Suceeded<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I did it! I can't believe it but I did it. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The whole experience was so... full of sensations. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We put on 70s porn music and started kissing each other. That is, after about an hour of drinking and another hour of just sitting in the room discussing random topics. I was too nervous to start anything because I didn't know what the heck to do, so we waited until Marius started making out with his girlfriend, and then I joined them on the couch. Our clothes were all still on at this point, so we were just making out with each other and kissing each other on the neck. Eventually the girls' clothes came off and Cosette and I started caressing each other.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Let me say this: It feels no different to kiss a girl than to kiss a guy. However, a girl's body feels amazing. Cosette was soft and smooth and had beautiful curves that you could run your hands up and down and explore. Girls are fun. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We were all in a clump on the couch, music blasting away in the background at 3 AM, each person touching someone else and being touched by someone else. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Eventually the guys stood up and watched as Cosette and I got frisky with each other. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This is one thing about group sex I didn't anticipate. You have to look good. When you're with just one other person it doesn't matter how you look from the ceiling as long as you're pleasing in a physical way. But in this scenario you have to please your partner and anyone else on the sidelines who wants to be aroused by your intercourse. I think I look goddamn silly, to be honest. But Cosette looks great, so it all worked out. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We split up into couples. I kind of let nerves get the better of me and didn't really give it my best, although it seemed like people were still having fun. We switched around. I flopped around like a fish a lot. I felt bad because it seemed like the guys couldn't keep it up for me and I didn't want to do anything wrong so of course I acted awkward which was the absolute worst thing to do. It was worse with Marius because I'd never done anything with him before. When Chris came over I felt more at ease. Each time I could hear Cosette on the other side of the room making her high-pitched sex noises. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Eventually we wound down as the sun came up. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The entire experience actually felt healthy. I felt like I was in it fully with three other people and we were all participating for each other. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Afterwards Chris walked me back to my suite and he asked me if it was ok if he pursued sex with Cosette on a regular basis. I said sure, because we aren't in a relationship, but it actually does bug me. It bugs me because it means he had a better time with her than me, it means he thinks she's better at sex than I am, and it means that he wants to be with her instead of me. Not at the same time, instead of. That hurts my feelings. It's like we all went on a road trip and they left me at a rest stop and forgot about me. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Oh well. He can do what he wants. I had a lot of fun anyway, and I think all of us said we'd do it again someday. </span>Emily Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11825753991702537079noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4037569394961263627.post-52154541171030467442014-08-24T07:49:00.000-07:002014-08-24T07:49:02.689-07:00Something I Never Thought I'd Do<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I generally don't like talking about sex in public and especially on this blog, as it doesn't really relate to recovery. Except it does. Sex is very stressful and very exciting and very relaxing. No matter who I'm with, it's all of those things. I'm always worried that I'm not doing enough to pleasure the guy. Also I can't really orgasm so I usually want it to last as short as possible. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">On my bucket list is Threesome. It's only sort of on my bucket list because I never thought I'd get the opportunity, and because I'm not sure how I would feel about it. I told Chris about this and agreed to do a threesome with him should he ever find someone. That happened about six months ago. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Yesterday, Chris was talking with one of his (and my) friends. A guy at his fraternity. They were discussing threesomes and how each of them was trying to find someone to do one with, and suddenly they came up with the bright idea of a foursome. Chris, Marius, Cosette and I. Obviously I'm using fake names there, just in case. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">They asked me if I was in and I said yes, thinking I would have at least a week to prepare myself for going so out of my comfort zone. And giving me time to back out if I needed it. But when all four of us were discussing it, we decided to do it TODAY. And that's the story of how later today, Emily is going to be having sex with three other people in the basement of a fraternity. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">On the one hand, I'm excited. There is a reason I said yes, after all. Cosette is really hot and I've been wanting to experiment with her. When I first met Marius I liked him and thought he might make a good potential boyfriend. I haven't had sex in a long time, so I really really really want to have sex. And I like both Cosette and Marius's personalities. I was reading online about how some people just want to have a threesome. They care who it is in terms of "he would be good to have sex with" but the goal in mind is the threesome, not the specific person. That's not how I feel about this at all. I want to do this specifically with them, they're not just props. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">On the other hand, WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING??? First of all, I've never done *anything* like this before. I've never kissed a girl. I've never had sex with someone I didn't love. I've never been watched. I've never involved more than two people at all. How the heck do you go about a foursome? I feel like I'm underprepared for a test that's coming up, and there's no way I can study. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Second of all, Cosette and Marius are waaaay hotter than Chris and I. Well, I suppose I can't really speak for Chris, because I don't know what Cosette thinks of him, and I think he's attractive. But objectively, I'm very much of an ugly duckling compared to Cosette. I'm not as built. I'm not tan. I have marks all over my legs because I scratch my mosquito bites until they bleed. When I walk my thighs jiggle a little bit. I don't have huge boobs or really perky boobs. My teeth are too big. I laugh really weirdly. I don't have long slender fingers. This makes me feel anxious because what if no one wants me? What if I'm relegated to the corner, sort of a pity case? </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Third, Cosette is a stripper. So she has experience dancing, kissing women, and playing with them. And she has experience doing this with really hot women. I don't think I'll be able to please her. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Fourth, what if I can't please anyone? I have no idea what Marius likes. He could be a sex god. And due to my lack of experience I could just be really bad at it for him. I'm going to be worse than Cosette anyway. That's a given because she's his girlfriend. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Fifth, Marius and I have never had anything like a sexual relationship. For one, he's Devyn's old roommate, so he was off limits when I was pursuing Devyn, and he also had a steady girlfriend, so that automatically made me unattracted to him. It's just really weird to think of Marius in such a platonic way one minute and then the next I've signed myself up to have sex with him. I also feel weird about it because I still have some remnant feelings for Devyn, and even though I know I can never go back to that again, I would feel like I'm betraying him by doing things with his roommate. The roommate of the man I love will have seen more of my body than the man I love. That's a really weird thought to me. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So how does this impact recovery? It's stressing me out, which brings out behaviors. I wrote about it in my journal but I feel like I need to post it, even if no one responds. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Advice would be appreciated though, if anyone doesn't feel too awkward. </span>Emily Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11825753991702537079noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4037569394961263627.post-74933970372132264722014-08-22T12:09:00.003-07:002014-08-22T12:09:42.349-07:00Psychotherapy is Not Useless
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">As part of my readings for my
social work classes I had to read a few articles describing the shift in the
social work profession. The writers invariably expressed outrage that the
profession had shifted away from promoting policy change and instead focused on
direct practice (ie therapy). They think that therapy produces no useful
results in the long run and that social workers need to focus on making life
better for communities. In fact, many writers critique the practice of therapy
on the grounds that it caters to middle class clients, and creates an environment
of dependency on the therapist. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">These articles were hard for me to
read because I believe so strongly in therapy and because, well, that’s what I
want to do when I graduate. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I don’t want to go into policy
change. I’d rather stay far away from policy. I just don’t have the drive in me
to make big changes socially. Am I fed up with some things? Yeah, but not the
ones that everyone else seems to care about. Poverty, racism, drug addiction
epidemics… those are all problems that I care about in the sense that I would
rather they don’t exist, but I’m not going to fight them tooth and nail. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Maybe that’s a bad thing. It seems
like social workers are mandated to hold certain political views. Like we’re
not allowed to express anti-welfare sentiments. We have to care about every
single issue and we have to take the side of the needy no matter what we
actually think. I can tell that I’m going to be the bigoted conservative one in
my classes, even though in the larger community I would definitely count as liberal
or at least moderate. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Anyway, I don’t think psychotherapy
is useless. My first reason for this is my own personal experience with it. I
can guarantee that if I had never gone to a therapist I would be throwing up
probably every day of my life. A therapist allowed me a safe place to talk and
process my issues, which I’d never had before. Bad therapists really don’t make
much of an impact, but I think they’re still helpful to their clients just as a
face to talk to. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My second reason is that therapy
allows others to reach their full potential. And when people reach their full
potential they do good in the world and can reach out. So even if social
workers aren’t directly helping tons of people, indirectly they’re very
important for their communities. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My third reason is that there are
some problems that can’t be eliminated. Poverty is never going to go away
because there’s always going to be a lowest earning income bracket. You can
succeed in helping individuals or small groups, so why not focus on those
efforts rather than failing to help everyone? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I have a feeling my opinion will
change by the time I graduate from this master’s program. But those are my
feelings now. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Emily Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11825753991702537079noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4037569394961263627.post-55266600538106853372014-08-21T06:36:00.006-07:002014-08-21T06:36:51.957-07:006 Uplifting Phrases<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In my eternal quest to make my room a happy place I made 6 strips of paper with happy and uplifting phrases on them to help me through the school year. Then I taped them in six different places on my walls so that I'll look up and see one and hopefully it will make my day go a little more easily. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Here they are:</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">BREATHE AND PLAN</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: orange; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE FAMILY</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #bf9000; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">EACH MOMENT IS A MOMENT YOU CAN CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #38761d; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">YOUR PAST AND FUTURE SELVES LOVE YOU</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">SMILE AND SING TODAY</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: purple; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">GOD PUT YOU ON THIS EARTH SO YOU MUST NEED TO BE HERE</span>Emily Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11825753991702537079noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4037569394961263627.post-62721641040536256972014-08-20T05:13:00.001-07:002014-08-20T05:13:05.073-07:00Suicide is a Selfish Act
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My group therapist thinks that
suicide is a selfish act. It takes the burden off your own shoulders but puts a
much bigger burden on everyone around you that they have to carry for the rest
of their lives. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I’ve been suicidal, and the only
thing that kept me from trying was knowing that if I died it would destroy my
mother’s life. I didn’t think suicide was selfish until my therapist mentioned
it was, but I’m inclined to agree with her. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This view implies that people that
commit suicide are selfish, or that people that want to commit suicide are
selfish and people that attempt suicide are selfish. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It’s an interesting paradox because
often nothing could be further from the truth. In my own experience one of the
reasons I wanted to kill myself was because I believed the world would be a
better place without me in it. (I still believe that, by the way) Suicide is
driven by emotions, not rational thought. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">That’s why it’s important to
realize that suicide is a selfish act when your mind is more rational. And then
when you’re deep in the shithole even if you don’t believe it at the moment it’s
something to repeat to yourself, something you know you’ll believe eventually
that will help keep you alive. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Thoguhts?</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Emily Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11825753991702537079noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4037569394961263627.post-13561924583391368382014-08-18T07:13:00.001-07:002014-08-18T07:13:22.552-07:00Goals of the Week 3<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Happy Monday! </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Last week my goal was to not purge until acapella rehearsal. Well, I purged once. But only once, which is a dramatic increase from the rest of the summer. So I think I did pretty well considering. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My goal this week shall be to get up every single day at 7 AM. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The point of getting up so early is so I can exercise before classes, but I won't make that part of the goal. Baby steps. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">What are your goals and how did you do with the ones last week? </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Orientation started this morning. I felt so out of my depth. But it will be okay. </span>Emily Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11825753991702537079noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4037569394961263627.post-7547590042202618272014-08-17T15:17:00.001-07:002014-08-17T15:17:01.317-07:00Have a Happy Room
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I’m all moved in! My dorm is right
above a starbucks and a work-out room, so I should have no excuse to be
unhealthy. It feels so good to be back at school. Freeing, because there’s not
a kitchen crammed with food around the corner, and happy because I’m reunited
with my friends. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I started making schedules, and I
plan to be extra prepared for everything this year. Let’s just hope it sticks! Let’s
hope it sticks for long enough, anyway. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I think that I want to make my room
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Freshman year I was a horrible roommate so I spent all my time in my boyfriend’s
room. Sophomore year I put a giant box on my bed and never unpacked it because
I knew I would spend all my time in Robert’s room. Junior year I was afraid of
my suitemates so I never bothered to do much with my room. It was a mess for
most of the year. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This year I’m not searching
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want to make it a happy place. A place people would love to visit. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So I’m going to paint. So far I’ve
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and my brother that we got at a party. On my door I cut out pieces of
watercolor paper in the shape of my name and painted them yellow with purple
flowers on the bottom. I don’t have any more painting paper though, so I’ll
have to stick to making magnets for my mirror for a while. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">How do you decorate your room or
make it a homey place? Does it help you feel safe? </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Emily Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11825753991702537079noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4037569394961263627.post-65870410537296321482014-08-11T10:17:00.001-07:002014-08-11T10:17:07.051-07:00Goals of the Week 2<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Last week my goal was completely ridiculous. I don't even want to discuss it, that's how badly I did with it. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This week my goal is to not purge at least until I get to acapella group. That means I'll have a two week no purge cycle before singing with the group. And my voice will sound amazing. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">How did you do with your goals? What are your new goals of the week?</span>Emily Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11825753991702537079noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4037569394961263627.post-62863918158966867182014-08-10T21:57:00.000-07:002014-08-10T21:57:44.038-07:0010 HappySongs<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">These songs can literally put me into a good mood if I'm not feeling great. Let me know any others that make you happy!</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">1. Say Hey- I love You </span><br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ehu3wy4WkHs"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ehu3wy4WkHs</span></a><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">2. Dog Days are Over</span><br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iWOyfLBYtuU"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iWOyfLBYtuU</span></a><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">3. Lion Sleeps Tonight</span><br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8E8xMcXmI9E"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8E8xMcXmI9E</span></a><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">4. Don't Worry Be Happy</span><br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-diB65scQU"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-diB65scQU</span></a><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">5. Walking on Sunshine</span><br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iPUmE-tne5U"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iPUmE-tne5U</span></a><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">6. Happy</span><br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y6Sxv-sUYtM"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y6Sxv-sUYtM</span></a><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">7. Lollipop (Mika) </span><br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6md5RSnVUuo"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6md5RSnVUuo</span></a><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">8. Octopus's Garden</span><br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cgPqmRNjoTE"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cgPqmRNjoTE</span></a><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">9. Hunk of Burning Love</span><br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EaRYfZrm2HQ"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EaRYfZrm2HQ</span></a><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">10. Who Put the Bomp in the Bomp Bomp Bomp</span><br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-9fIbhyACU8"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-9fIbhyACU8</span></a><br />
<br />Emily Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11825753991702537079noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4037569394961263627.post-33063327912137656292014-08-08T09:40:00.003-07:002014-08-08T09:40:36.863-07:00Purpose
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My purpose in life is to listen. To
listen to people’s struggles and hear them when no one else will, or even when
others listen too. My purpose is to find strengths in people and show them
their own brilliance. My purpose is to help others find purpose. My purpose is
to see people for what hey are, and also who they could be. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My other purpose is to love my
future family. To be a devoted wife and raise wonderful kids. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">These things don’t make life
pleasant. Sometimes I make poor decision in favor of purpose, like talking to
Chris even when I treat im horribly and he’s a poison on my life. But purpose
gives me a reason to live. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I was thinking about feeling empty
when I’m not in a relationship. It’s as if I’m holding out my hands to grasp
something that isn’t there, so I have nothing (I repeat this to myself often. I
have nothing. I have no one. I am nothing. I am no one). But now I feel as if
I’m holding my future master’s degree in my hands. I feel comforted by that.
Because my purpose and my love for it will always be there with me, even if no
one else is. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">What’s your purpose, if you’ve
found it?</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Emily Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11825753991702537079noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4037569394961263627.post-211581835746794312014-08-07T10:40:00.004-07:002014-08-07T10:40:53.482-07:00I Cry Because I'm Fat<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Yesterday I was talking to Chris for some unknown reason, and afterwards I started crying because I felt like an awful person. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And something occurred to me. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">When I cry, I feel fat. For some reason tears are associated with weight gain. It's probably because when i used to restrict I had no emotions and therefore went years without crying. To be honest I still think that's normal. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Now I cry all the time. Like once a week at least, because I get so overwhelmed by anger and sadness and regret. And whenever I cry I feel like I'm crying because I ate too much. If I hadn't been a fatso that day I wouldn't be able to force tears out of my eyes. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Anyone else feel the same way?</span>Emily Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11825753991702537079noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4037569394961263627.post-34372055583534674802014-08-05T11:18:00.001-07:002014-08-05T11:18:27.474-07:00Bugs that Crunch<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">To remind myself that I am not a bulimic, I am Emily, I am posting stuff that's not related to my eating disorder. Yesterday I wrote a short story, and I'm proud of it so I'm sharing it here! </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It's really nice to have proof that you're a person. A person that does interesting activities. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Blork enjoyed killing bugs. He
often spent hours outside in the vast expanse of his back yard with his
gamma-ray glass, searching amidst the craggles for things to fry. If he found
something he would observe it for a little while, then pick up the squirming
thing between his fingers and triangulate the gamma beam, zapping the but out
of existence. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>He
didn’t dislike bugs. On the contrary, he found the fascinating. There were
eight-legged ones that scurried sideways, six-legged ones that never seemed to
run out, no matter how many you killed, giant four-legged ones with pinchy grey
skin that made a noise like a blastoob, and two-legged ones that made a
satisfying crunch if you smushed one under your foot. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“For
heaven’s sake, leave it alone,” his mother would often tell him. She was a
peace activist, and Blork knew it hurt her, killing things. She also didn’t much
like waiting for him to kill all the bugs in his path if they were on their way
to somewhere important, like Office Max. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Blork’s
father was a scientist, and was always trying to get him to learn something
from the experience. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“Don’t
stomp on it! We can catch it and stick a pin through its heart and dissect it
instead. Doesn’t that sound fun?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Blork
just wanted to kill things.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>One
day Blork came home from school to find his mother irate with her seven arms
folded across her chest. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“Your
father’s going to have a fit,” she snapped. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“Why,
did his proposal get rejected again?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>His
proposals were always getting rejected. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“Don’t
play dumb with me. Where did you put them?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“Put
what?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“Your
father’s bug-collecting pins!”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Blork
blinked.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“Fine.
Go to your room!”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Blork
slowly climbed the stairs, more confused that angry. He hadn’t, of course,
taken his father’s pins. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“I’m
going to Office Man, and but the time I get back, those pins had better be back
on the bug board, or you’re getting a leg pulled off!” his mother called from
downstairs. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Blork
grimaced. Legs took a while to regrow. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Banished
to his room, Blork lay on his bed and stared dully at the ceiling. He had no
homework and all his toys were downstairs. What to do, what to do… Suddenly he
heard a faint rapping noise. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“Hello?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>There
was a brief silence, then the rapping started up again. It sounded as if it
were coming from…<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Blork
tuned his ears and then headed toward his bathroom. The tapping got louder as
he approached, and he pushed back the door, apprehensive as to what he would
find. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>The
sight was horrifying. Thousands upon thousands of bugs were swarming
everywhere- on the sink, the toilet rim, the bathtub. Not to mention that they
all seemed to be sporting weapons. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“Fire!!”
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>His
father’s pins came flying at him from every angle. Tiny balls of flame were
catapulted at his face by bugs with rubber bands. Bugs fell out of the sky and
landed in his hair, ripping it out by the roots. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Not
surprisingly, Blork screamed and ran from the room, slamming the door shut
behind him. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“I’m
afraid this happens even to the best of us,” said the exterminator, clutching
his gamma fumigation tubes. “The best way to squelch an uprising it to just
blast the whole place,” continued the man. “If you’re alright with it.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“Well,
I suppose it has to be done,” sighed Blork’s mother. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“Try
to save my pins if you can. Those aren’t cheap,” said Blork’s father. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>The
exterminator nodded. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“How
much?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“Five
hundred.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“For
this??”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“If
you want them all gone…”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“Fine.
Honey, we’d better go to Office Max again.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Blork
trailed behind the exterminator as he trudged upstairs to the scene of the
infestation.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“Hey,
cheer up kid,” the man said, noticing Blork’s glum expression. “They won’t
bother you again.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Blork
frowned. “I just don’t want them in my hair.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“Oh.
Well you know they won’t be gone forever, right? These little guys are
resilient as hunkpot. I swear, if our race ever goes extinct they’ll be running
the planet in five years.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>The
exterminator noticed Blork eyeing his gamma tubes.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“Tell
you what. You can help if you want.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“Really??”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“Really.
And we can even save a few for you if you put them in a plastic container. And
don’t tell your parents.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 51.2pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Blork
smiled. He could already hear the magical sound of the crunch beneath his feet. <o:p></o:p></div>
<!--EndFragment--></span>Emily Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11825753991702537079noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4037569394961263627.post-15399584918096254262014-08-04T05:57:00.002-07:002014-08-04T05:57:39.950-07:00Goal of the Week 1
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<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Time for the first goal of the
week! My goal is to not consume and bread or dessert products. What are your
goals?</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Emily Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11825753991702537079noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4037569394961263627.post-83678145106596643542014-08-03T10:21:00.003-07:002014-08-03T10:21:22.169-07:00Forever Alone
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I will be forever alone. I know
this because I am ugly and crazy. I didn’t used to be crazy, but now I am. I’m
needy and bitchy and passive aggressive. I don’t know how I became like this.
Maybe Robert was exactly what I needed to be sane. If that’s the case, then I’ll
be alone forever because I dumped him already and I don’t look back. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Most people meet their future
husband or spouse in college. WELL I’M GOING TO BE A SENIOR AND SO FAR I HAVE
YET TO MEET MY FUTURE SPOUSE. Actually, I don’t know if I’ve met him, but I
certainly haven’t dated him, and I think that’s the implication. After college,
where am I going to meet people? I don’t get dates from swing dances or salsa
dances really, I can’t date someone in my singing group, and I can’t date
someone from where I work. I could go to a dating site, but I haven’t really
had success with that so far. There’s a reason people are on dating sites.
Nothing wrong with most of them, but I’m just not attracted to them. And they
should stay well away from me because I’m fucking insane. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I don’t want to be alone. I’d die
before I ended up alone. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Emily Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11825753991702537079noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4037569394961263627.post-11263625599070026432014-08-02T10:44:00.001-07:002014-08-02T10:44:05.837-07:00Why I Am a Horrible Person Today
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<!--StartFragment-->
</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: 51.2pt; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]-->I
cheated on Nate<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: 51.2pt; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]-->I
broke up with Devyn to sleep with his best friend<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: 51.2pt; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]-->I
lied to my friend about all this<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: 51.2pt; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">4.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]-->I’m
needy<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: 51.2pt; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">5.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]-->I
manipulate people<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: 51.2pt; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">6.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]-->I
want to hurt Chris. I take pleasure in making him feel bad<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: 51.2pt; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">7.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]-->I
steal food from my parents<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: 51.2pt; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">8.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]-->I
eat it without regard to how much is left for others<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: 51.2pt; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">9.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]-->I
complain constantly<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: 51.2pt; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">10.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]-->I lead
people on intentionally<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: 51.2pt; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">11.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]-->I am
self-centered and narcissistic</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<!--EndFragment--><br />
<!--EndFragment-->Emily Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11825753991702537079noreply@blogger.com3