Goals of the Week 53

I haven't done this for two or three weeks now- once because I was on vacation, and after that I forgot last week. 
So I am starting anew!

My b/p goal for this week is to have 3 good days. 

My non b/p goal is to make mini goals until I get back to school.

I have been having a tough time lately. It will pass. 

The End of Stuff and Things

So I've been bingeing and purging every day since Thursday. 
I'm going back to school in a week, and I'm very happy about that. It means less exposure to triggering foods like cake and pie and everything. 

I'm sad because my boyfriend (of almost 2 years) might not be coming back to school. And if that's the case, then I have to break up with him, because he lives nine hours away and I cannot handle long-distance relationships for longer than a summer. 

I'm sad because the girls in group are so amazing and kind and I feel like I've been selfish.

I'm sad because I didn't make any close friends from the experience. 

I'm sad because I feel like my friends are bored of me. 

It's funny, because being sad actually makes me NOT want to eat. So you'd think it would be a perfect remedy for bulimia. But no. Because whenever I don't feel depressed, I've been eating. 

Emily's Response to Cons

Josie suggested this list. Since Emily is rational and Ed doesn't make sense, I am going to write MY responses to cons that Ed came up with. 

Cons of Recovery

1. No blog- This is MY blog, not your blog, Ed. I can write even if I'm recovered. In fact, I think if I am ever fully recovered it would be a good idea to keep writing because staying in recovery is hard. 

2. Might become fat- I know this isn't true because I don't restrict anymore. And bingeing and purging does nothing except make me gain weight. 

3. Might become depressed- I can stop depression in its tracks by calling people to me and going out to do things with others. I know when I need people to help, and I have supports who will answer the call. 

4. Might be boring- I am not boring. I have friends who love me and who think I am not boring. I am shy, but not boring. 

5. No therapy- therapy is just as important for recovered people, in order to help them stay in recovery. Even if not, I can do my own therapy by calling on my friends to go do fun activities with them. And I know I can confess my fears to them once in a while too.

6. No justification for feeling sad- Everyone feels sad once in a while. I don't need justification.

7. No justification for wanting good things- Everyone wants good things too. Just because I have a good life does not mean I don't deserve them.

8. Must face other problems- I can face problems. I am a problem solver.  

- no friends- I have friends. I must not discount them.

- boringness- I am not boring. 

- uselessness- This summer has proven that I am not useless. 

9. Nothing to work towards- I can work towards recovery. Towards helping others in my job. Towards being a good student or a good singer. Maybe I'll train for a marathon.

10. Not unique- I am unique to those who know me.

11. Can't surprise/scare people- I wouldn't do that anyway, since I don't want to tell anyone about my bulimia, even after I recover.

12. My life might not be any better- I must have faith that it will be. Plus, so what if it isn't any better? My life is pretty damn good already.

13. I'll be mean- Ed does not control my personality. I control that.

14. I won't have empathy- I will have all the experiences I have right now, so I will be able to look back on them and understand. Also, ditto from number 13.

15. Have to deal with feeling stuffed- I will not feel stuffed most of the time. When I am stuffed, I will be able to deal with it because I am strong and I will have people around me. 

16. Won't be able to experience all foods- I can experience all the foods I want to. I just won't be able to binge on things. 

Nemesis vs Freedom

In my therapy group the assignment for this week was to take a piece of paper, draw your nemesis on one side and what it would be like to be free of your nemesis on the other. I encourage you all to do it! It was fun, plus now when I look at the freedom side of my paper I'm reminded of what I'm working towards. 

Nemesis:

Freedom:

Stupid Stupid Stupid Girl

I was very stressed out from work today and yesterday, and Ed was whispering in my ear about all my mistakes. I couldn't have a rational conversation with him, so I made his words into a silly poem. It took some of the anxiety away. 

You stupid stupid stupid girl

I ought to give your head a twirl.

You were an hour late to work-

Everyone thinks you’re a jerk.

You let someone fall out of bed!

If there were Karma you’d be dead.

You didn’t ask to help your friend.

They’re thinking “thank god she’s almost at the end.”

Your words come muddled from your lips.

It’s on YOUR watch the patient trips.

You suck, you’re fat, you’re short, you’re stout.

I can’t believe no one’s found you out.

They think you’re the one to blame

But you’re too disliked to play that game.

They hate you cause you barely speak.

They know you’re a really weird-ass geek.

They think you’re vain, that you don’t care.

They’d never invite you anywhere.

But mostly it’s because you’re dumb.

Naïve as a baby that sucks its thumb.

Go cry you stupid stupid brat.

Then go eat stupid cause you’re fat. 

Pros and Cons of Recovery

On the plane to Belize, I came up with this list. Nearly everything on the con list is irrational, but every time I read it I get a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach that means I'm afraid to face those things. 
Does anyone else have these on their pro and con lists? 
Something else that's bothering me: I saw my therapist yesterday and I brought along my list. I told her what the list was and how many things were on it, and she didn't ask to read it. I don't know if I should feel hurt or not. It makes me feel like she doesn't care. Next session I'm going to ask her to read it directly and maybe I'll tell her how I felt. I just don't know if I'm expecting too much of her. 

Cons
1. No blog (super irrational)
2. Might become fat
3. Might become depressed
4. Might be boring
5. No therapy 
6. No justification for feeling sad
7. No justification for wanting good things
8. Must face other problems 
- no friends
- boringness
- uselessness
9. Nothing to work towards
10. Not unique
11. Can't surprise/scare people
12. My life might not be any better
13. I'll be mean
14. I won't have empathy
15. Have to deal with feeling stuffed
16. Won't be able to experience all foods

Pros
1. Singing
2. More confident
3. Lose weight
4. Feel healthy
5. More energy
6. No lying
7. No stealing
8. No guilt
9. No headaches
10. Life
11. Feel in control
12. Feel safe
13. Less family dissent (although there's not much to begin with)
14. Pride
15. Qualified to help others
16. No fear of eating

I Shouldn't Go on Vacations

Belize was beautiful! Everything was a rich green, there were lots of large flowers, and the carribbean sea was amazing. I’ll post a couple pictures to show you.

I got to visit mayan ruins, go to the zoo, horseback ride, swim in a lagoon, and snorkel on a coral reef with sharks and fish.

The highlight of the trip was swimming on the reef with the sharks. There were nurse sharks all around us, feeding on the fish our guide was giving them. Sting rays by the dozen glided under us, nearly brushing our feet with their stinging tails.

But the sting rays weren’t the most frightening part of the trip. The most frightening part was feeling like I was gaining so much weight.

Why do I always go into vacations thinking I’ll be able to lose weight? It’s not easier than at home, it’s much much harder, and I need to realize that so I won’t be set up to fail.

Really, I didn’t do too badly. And I ended up only gaining a pound or so when I thought I’d gained at least five (yes, I’ve done that in a week before).

The food was awful though. Good tasting, but awful for you. Every morning for breakfast we had something fried or cooked in butter. Tortillas, fryjacks, cheese, beans… NOT my ideal way to start the day. Then we had a big lunch of starches and meat. No vegetables, and mostly the starches were fried. For “tea” (what they call dinner) we usually had sweet bread and fruit, so it was nothing filling at all. I know dinner is supposed to be a lighter meal there, but that was when I probably ate the most calories, because the sweet bread did nothing whatsoever to fill me up and there were no other options.

I hate starches.

What was worse was having no control over the time when we ate. Ever since I started eating breakfast it’s been important for me to eat it as soon as I get up. It helps me wake up and start my day right. In Belize, breakfast was made for us every day, so sometimes I was up for a few hours before I got anything. Other times I woke up early and there was food leftover from the previous night, so I ate my breakfast then. But when REAL breakfast was served I was expected to eat again. And when I tried to say I wasn’t hungry people kept forcing food on me. Lunch was anywhere between 1 and 4 PM. And dinner could be as late as 9. I don’t mind later times, really, but I need to know when I’m eating ahead of time otherwise I get anxious and Ed finds a way to slip in.

Lastly, Everyone eats a lot in Belize. Not just us vacationers. We stayed with family members (all the adults were overweight, all the kids were stick thin) and they ate 3 or 4 tortillas each per meal. It was too much. I felt rude refusing food.

So a lot of the time I overate.

There were a few nights where I lay awake with Ed promising to restrict again when I got back.

HOWEVER.

I did better than you’re all thinking. Every day I wrote in my journal about my food thoughts and how Ed was not invited on my vacation. I made a deal with myself to only eat until I was full. Even though I did eat about 3000 calories a day (estimate) I only got stuffed twice the entire vacation. (How do you eat 3000 calories a day and not get stuffed? You work up to it. Gradually. And I’m ashamed that I got there. Plus, you eat bread, which doesn’t fill you up)

I only purged once the entire vacation.

And I only gained about one pound from it all. So I guess I did a little bit right. I’m trying to not be too hard on myself.

Now that I’m back it’s time to get back to making goals and doing a lot of work on myself. School is starting soon and I feel like I don’t have enough time to get ready. If I don’t comment on blogs tonight I’ll probably do it tomorrow.