Mini Paintings

I've been feeling better.
I had my last session of therapy today and it ended on a good note. I might go back to her, after not going back to at least 3 others. 

Yesterday I got my first ticket. It was stupid decision after stupid decision, and I just screwed everything up. So I got a citation, and I was going to go home and pretend like it never happened. I mean, I was going to pay it, just so that my parents would never find out. 
But I told them in the end, and it turned out much better than I expected. Both my parents have gotten tickets and they reassured me that it was okay.
It makes me wonder if I should try telling them again about Ed...

And I also spent some time painting, with the results below. I think they came out pretty well (actually I'm really proud of them, which is why I'm posting them), and it put me in a good mood. 

Goals of the Week 53

I haven't done this for two or three weeks now- once because I was on vacation, and after that I forgot last week. 
So I am starting anew!

My b/p goal for this week is to have 3 good days. 

My non b/p goal is to make mini goals until I get back to school.

I have been having a tough time lately. It will pass. 

The End of Stuff and Things

So I've been bingeing and purging every day since Thursday. 
I'm going back to school in a week, and I'm very happy about that. It means less exposure to triggering foods like cake and pie and everything. 

I'm sad because my boyfriend (of almost 2 years) might not be coming back to school. And if that's the case, then I have to break up with him, because he lives nine hours away and I cannot handle long-distance relationships for longer than a summer. 

I'm sad because the girls in group are so amazing and kind and I feel like I've been selfish.

I'm sad because I didn't make any close friends from the experience. 

I'm sad because I feel like my friends are bored of me. 

It's funny, because being sad actually makes me NOT want to eat. So you'd think it would be a perfect remedy for bulimia. But no. Because whenever I don't feel depressed, I've been eating. 

Emily's Response to Cons

Josie suggested this list. Since Emily is rational and Ed doesn't make sense, I am going to write MY responses to cons that Ed came up with. 

Cons of Recovery

1. No blog- This is MY blog, not your blog, Ed. I can write even if I'm recovered. In fact, I think if I am ever fully recovered it would be a good idea to keep writing because staying in recovery is hard. 

2. Might become fat- I know this isn't true because I don't restrict anymore. And bingeing and purging does nothing except make me gain weight. 

3. Might become depressed- I can stop depression in its tracks by calling people to me and going out to do things with others. I know when I need people to help, and I have supports who will answer the call. 

4. Might be boring- I am not boring. I have friends who love me and who think I am not boring. I am shy, but not boring. 

5. No therapy- therapy is just as important for recovered people, in order to help them stay in recovery. Even if not, I can do my own therapy by calling on my friends to go do fun activities with them. And I know I can confess my fears to them once in a while too.

6. No justification for feeling sad- Everyone feels sad once in a while. I don't need justification.

7. No justification for wanting good things- Everyone wants good things too. Just because I have a good life does not mean I don't deserve them.

8. Must face other problems- I can face problems. I am a problem solver.  

- no friends- I have friends. I must not discount them.

- boringness- I am not boring. 

- uselessness- This summer has proven that I am not useless. 

9. Nothing to work towards- I can work towards recovery. Towards helping others in my job. Towards being a good student or a good singer. Maybe I'll train for a marathon.

10. Not unique- I am unique to those who know me.

11. Can't surprise/scare people- I wouldn't do that anyway, since I don't want to tell anyone about my bulimia, even after I recover.

12. My life might not be any better- I must have faith that it will be. Plus, so what if it isn't any better? My life is pretty damn good already.

13. I'll be mean- Ed does not control my personality. I control that.

14. I won't have empathy- I will have all the experiences I have right now, so I will be able to look back on them and understand. Also, ditto from number 13.

15. Have to deal with feeling stuffed- I will not feel stuffed most of the time. When I am stuffed, I will be able to deal with it because I am strong and I will have people around me. 

16. Won't be able to experience all foods- I can experience all the foods I want to. I just won't be able to binge on things. 

Nemesis vs Freedom

In my therapy group the assignment for this week was to take a piece of paper, draw your nemesis on one side and what it would be like to be free of your nemesis on the other. I encourage you all to do it! It was fun, plus now when I look at the freedom side of my paper I'm reminded of what I'm working towards. 

Nemesis:

Freedom:

Stupid Stupid Stupid Girl

I was very stressed out from work today and yesterday, and Ed was whispering in my ear about all my mistakes. I couldn't have a rational conversation with him, so I made his words into a silly poem. It took some of the anxiety away. 

You stupid stupid stupid girl

I ought to give your head a twirl.

You were an hour late to work-

Everyone thinks you’re a jerk.

You let someone fall out of bed!

If there were Karma you’d be dead.

You didn’t ask to help your friend.

They’re thinking “thank god she’s almost at the end.”

Your words come muddled from your lips.

It’s on YOUR watch the patient trips.

You suck, you’re fat, you’re short, you’re stout.

I can’t believe no one’s found you out.

They think you’re the one to blame

But you’re too disliked to play that game.

They hate you cause you barely speak.

They know you’re a really weird-ass geek.

They think you’re vain, that you don’t care.

They’d never invite you anywhere.

But mostly it’s because you’re dumb.

Naïve as a baby that sucks its thumb.

Go cry you stupid stupid brat.

Then go eat stupid cause you’re fat. 

Pros and Cons of Recovery

On the plane to Belize, I came up with this list. Nearly everything on the con list is irrational, but every time I read it I get a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach that means I'm afraid to face those things. 
Does anyone else have these on their pro and con lists? 
Something else that's bothering me: I saw my therapist yesterday and I brought along my list. I told her what the list was and how many things were on it, and she didn't ask to read it. I don't know if I should feel hurt or not. It makes me feel like she doesn't care. Next session I'm going to ask her to read it directly and maybe I'll tell her how I felt. I just don't know if I'm expecting too much of her. 

Cons
1. No blog (super irrational)
2. Might become fat
3. Might become depressed
4. Might be boring
5. No therapy 
6. No justification for feeling sad
7. No justification for wanting good things
8. Must face other problems 
- no friends
- boringness
- uselessness
9. Nothing to work towards
10. Not unique
11. Can't surprise/scare people
12. My life might not be any better
13. I'll be mean
14. I won't have empathy
15. Have to deal with feeling stuffed
16. Won't be able to experience all foods

Pros
1. Singing
2. More confident
3. Lose weight
4. Feel healthy
5. More energy
6. No lying
7. No stealing
8. No guilt
9. No headaches
10. Life
11. Feel in control
12. Feel safe
13. Less family dissent (although there's not much to begin with)
14. Pride
15. Qualified to help others
16. No fear of eating