I Kissed my Best Friend

I think I've made a huge mistake. 
Obviously, I'm still getting over my ex, as we just broke up a week ago and we still love each other. I miss him every day, and we still talk, which is normally a huge no-no for me but I can't help it. It calms me to see his words. 
I don't know if anyone remembers, but last September I had a post about how I had feelings for a platonic friend, but that I would just let them fade away. They didn't. I kept having them all of last year and although I got used to it, it caused some emotional tension. 
So of course, as soon as I broke up with my bf, I felt relieved because I could finally feel these feelings without being guilty. 
I knew he felt the same way, and this was confirmed one day after we spent an evening together watching the sun set an talking and talking and talking (we can talk forever). We stood next to each other and he grabbed my hand. I was surprised, but I didn't resist. 
Later, when we were lying in the grass just talking and watching the evening get darker and darker, he worked up the nerve to kiss me. 
My only thought at the time was FINALLY. 
We decided to wait a month to actually date (to give me time to get over my bf) and until then we're just going to be friends. 
The problems are:
1. Kissing him was not as good as kissing my ex. I mean, I liked it, but it just didn't give me tingles in the same way. And I don't know if I can live with that, because it will just make me less attracted to him every time we kiss.
2. What the fuck was I thinking??? This is my best friend! I don't want to lose his friendship and I feel like I already have. Even if he asks me out in a month, if I say yes, we can't go back. If I say no, I feel like we'll have lost some of that magical stuff that made our relationship what it is. 
3. I'm afraid if I date my friend I'll lose my ex forever. He wants me back, and he's told me that he has a goal of coming back to school or finding me after I graduate and getting me back. I told him it was baloney, but I think it could actually happen. I do believe he loves me that much. Plus, I'm sure he'll stop talking to me if I date someone else. It's completely reasonable, but I don't want to stop talking to him. 
4. I feel guilty about waiting less than a week. I don't want to hurt my ex's feelings. I don't want people to think I'm a slut. 

So I don't know what to do. I guess I have three more weeks to think about this, but I really don't know what to do. 
Expect more posts on this topic. 

Boredom and Ed

This week my computer broke. It was my fault because I went out in the rain with it in my backpack, and it got soaked.
So I bought a new one and now I'm mourning the loss of my data as well as all my saved settings and everything.
I was only without a computer for three days, but it was the longest three days of my life. It's sad but I depend on my computer for a LOT. I depend on it for entertainment, for communication, for knowledge, for distraction.
Without my computer I felt tense and stressed, even though I had no reason to be. I was lost. I was without any support. All my data kept me safe. Knowing I always had the option to just look things up whenever I wanted made me feel safe. Knowing I could access this blog without anyone possibly finding out made me feel safe. 
Needless to say, this was a huge stressor and I did binge once. There was just nothing else to do. I could spend about 30 minutes on a computer tops. And that left the rest of the day wide open for things that I didn't really feel like doing. I couldn't record music, I couldn't do my homework, I couldn't do anything, so I had to eat. 
I do think that boredom is a big trigger. It just doesn't feel right to be sitting there doing nothing. Eating is something to do, something to take time away from the day. It means you're accomplishing SOMETHING. 
Anyone else feel the same way?

More Recovery = More Tears

One of the best things Ed does is he blocks out negative emotions. Feel stressed? Eat! Feel lonely? Go to your room so you can skip dinner and then you’ll at least feel good about losing weight.

Ed doesn’t make any sense.

I believe that the more recovered you are, the more emotions you feel. Especially if you recover from a restricting disorder. Starving yourself is a great way to feel absolutely nothing. For me the blocked emotions of bulimia are more like feeling something very intensely but immediately getting rid of it by engaging in behavior.

Each step you take towards controlling Ed means that there’s no way to get rid of emotions, so you have to feel them. This is great because positive emotions become more sharp and more enjoyable, but it also means letting in a flood of negative emotions.

I never used to cry. I never used to feel anything.

Lately I’ve been crying about everything. When I stopped restricting I felt like I was on an emotional rollercoaster ride, and not just because of fears about gaining weight. I cried about feeling close to my boyfriend and I cried when I was stressed.

These past few weeks have been hard, but I did much better behavior-wise than I expected. I cried every single day.

In the past if I’d felt as sad as I do I would try to block it out by eating. It wouldn’t really do much in the end but it would dull the pain.

Now I know exactly what I want to do, and that is to cry. Whenever I feel the urge coming, I just let the tears flow for as long as they need to. I guess it helps me feel better, even though I will cry later about the same thing. But despite feeling sad I’ve been able to enjoy hanging out with my friends and laugh with them.

And I have to say, crying feels so much better than eating. I feel free, if not wet from my tears.

So here is a challenge: if you feel sad about something, don’t push away the reasons for it. Think about them and embrace them in your mind, and let yourself cry and feel enraged and sad and everything. And then tell me if you were nicer to yourself afterwards. 

Goals of the Week 54

My b/p goal for last week was to have 3 good days. And I can say that I did that! I had exactly three good days, and it all stems from coming back to school where I can eat what I want when I want. At home I'd been eating about 3000 calories a day, and here I've been eating 1500. I chalk a lot of it up to the fact that I'm not surrounded by food 24/7. 

My new goal is to have 5 good days. I think I could even go as far as a week, but I don't want to sabotage myself. 

My non b/p goal was to make mini-goals, which I have been doing as well. Again, coming back to school is very helpful.

My goal this week is to be honest with myself about how much time I have to do things. If that means dropping a class, better now than later. 

What are your goals?

Emily is Unsexy Forever

Yesterday, after a great night of salsa dancing, I came back to my dorm and broke up with my boyfriend. 
I was not something I wanted to do but it had to be done. He won't be coming back to school and it seems like I would never get to see him in person again, as he lives so far away. I know that long distance relationships are not a good idea for me and it's just the basis of pain and suffering for a long, drawn out time. 
He knew it was going to end if he couldn't come back, so it wasn't a surprise. And he agreed that it was a better idea to end it before things got sour. 

I wouldn't take it back. 
But I don't know if I'll ever get over it. 

I feel like I'll be alone forever. That no one else will find me sexy or beautiful. No one else will love me as deeply or accept me for who I am. No one else will love me for all the reasons he did. I keep telling myself that I didn't make a mistake, but on the surface that's what it feels like. The biggest mistake of my life so far. 

Everything reminds me of him. The room where he would have stayed, the beds, the places where we created memories. I picked up a leopard print bra and I started crying because the reason I bought it was to be sexy for him. I have his old gloves that he gave me to keep my hands warm. One of the blankets I brought to school was his favorite and he liked to wrap himself up in it like he was Cousin It. At least he didn't ever get to ride in my car. 

This is all my fault. We could have stayed together if I hadn't decided we should break up. I don't deserve any sympathy from people and I doubt I'll get any. Do you know what I did? He was crying and I hung up on him. (I was crying too, but that's beside the point) He's right- he has nothing right now. He has no education, no job, no plan, and now no girlfriend. 
I think he'll be okay, and I really do want him to be okay. 
I'll just have to miss him. 

Have you ever been through a painful breakup? 
What helped you?

Goodbye Group

I’m not scared of people. I like people. I’m just scared of big groups of people.

That’s what group was yesterday, and it was my last day. I had made about 30 pairs of earrings to give away to everyone and of course the girls were in awe of them. (well, they ACTED that way at least) I also gave away the mini paintings, which I turned into magnets. I’ll miss the night sky one, but I have pictures of it and the point was to give them away anyway.

The therapist got a low-calorie cake and we lit candles. One for someone’s birthday, one for me to send me on my way, and one for another girl’s father. I thought it was beautiful and it almost made me cry on the spot.

She asked me what was most valuable from group. And I said:

“Just seeing how everyone here is out to support everyone else. That’s the best thing any of us can hope for in recovery. Group is the best thing I’ve done for myself in long time, and I’ll miss all of you guys and all the advice.”

And now I’m kicking myself for not saying the most important thing: You are all amazing and your love is the healing part of this experience.

I really do love each and every one of them because they love me unconditionally and wholly.

Why is that so hard for me to accept? I’m paralyzed when it comes to giving compliments to them BECAUSE of that unconditional love. It feels so alien to me and so strange that I don’t know what to do. I love their love and I return it in my heart, I just don’t know if they know I return it. I didn’t say much this summer. I didn’t offer much advice. I didn’t become really close friends with anyone. I didn’t stick around after group to chat with everyone because I was terrified.

It's true though, at least for me. Support from those girls did a hell of a lot more for me than any therapist. There's just something about realizing that you're really and truly not alone. 

There’s still time.

Keep your friends close. 

Mini Paintings

I've been feeling better.
I had my last session of therapy today and it ended on a good note. I might go back to her, after not going back to at least 3 others. 

Yesterday I got my first ticket. It was stupid decision after stupid decision, and I just screwed everything up. So I got a citation, and I was going to go home and pretend like it never happened. I mean, I was going to pay it, just so that my parents would never find out. 
But I told them in the end, and it turned out much better than I expected. Both my parents have gotten tickets and they reassured me that it was okay.
It makes me wonder if I should try telling them again about Ed...

And I also spent some time painting, with the results below. I think they came out pretty well (actually I'm really proud of them, which is why I'm posting them), and it put me in a good mood.