I Shouldn't Go on Vacations

Belize was beautiful! Everything was a rich green, there were lots of large flowers, and the carribbean sea was amazing. I’ll post a couple pictures to show you.

I got to visit mayan ruins, go to the zoo, horseback ride, swim in a lagoon, and snorkel on a coral reef with sharks and fish.

The highlight of the trip was swimming on the reef with the sharks. There were nurse sharks all around us, feeding on the fish our guide was giving them. Sting rays by the dozen glided under us, nearly brushing our feet with their stinging tails.

But the sting rays weren’t the most frightening part of the trip. The most frightening part was feeling like I was gaining so much weight.

Why do I always go into vacations thinking I’ll be able to lose weight? It’s not easier than at home, it’s much much harder, and I need to realize that so I won’t be set up to fail.

Really, I didn’t do too badly. And I ended up only gaining a pound or so when I thought I’d gained at least five (yes, I’ve done that in a week before).

The food was awful though. Good tasting, but awful for you. Every morning for breakfast we had something fried or cooked in butter. Tortillas, fryjacks, cheese, beans… NOT my ideal way to start the day. Then we had a big lunch of starches and meat. No vegetables, and mostly the starches were fried. For “tea” (what they call dinner) we usually had sweet bread and fruit, so it was nothing filling at all. I know dinner is supposed to be a lighter meal there, but that was when I probably ate the most calories, because the sweet bread did nothing whatsoever to fill me up and there were no other options.

I hate starches.

What was worse was having no control over the time when we ate. Ever since I started eating breakfast it’s been important for me to eat it as soon as I get up. It helps me wake up and start my day right. In Belize, breakfast was made for us every day, so sometimes I was up for a few hours before I got anything. Other times I woke up early and there was food leftover from the previous night, so I ate my breakfast then. But when REAL breakfast was served I was expected to eat again. And when I tried to say I wasn’t hungry people kept forcing food on me. Lunch was anywhere between 1 and 4 PM. And dinner could be as late as 9. I don’t mind later times, really, but I need to know when I’m eating ahead of time otherwise I get anxious and Ed finds a way to slip in.

Lastly, Everyone eats a lot in Belize. Not just us vacationers. We stayed with family members (all the adults were overweight, all the kids were stick thin) and they ate 3 or 4 tortillas each per meal. It was too much. I felt rude refusing food.

So a lot of the time I overate.

There were a few nights where I lay awake with Ed promising to restrict again when I got back.

HOWEVER.

I did better than you’re all thinking. Every day I wrote in my journal about my food thoughts and how Ed was not invited on my vacation. I made a deal with myself to only eat until I was full. Even though I did eat about 3000 calories a day (estimate) I only got stuffed twice the entire vacation. (How do you eat 3000 calories a day and not get stuffed? You work up to it. Gradually. And I’m ashamed that I got there. Plus, you eat bread, which doesn’t fill you up)

I only purged once the entire vacation.

And I only gained about one pound from it all. So I guess I did a little bit right. I’m trying to not be too hard on myself.

Now that I’m back it’s time to get back to making goals and doing a lot of work on myself. School is starting soon and I feel like I don’t have enough time to get ready. If I don’t comment on blogs tonight I’ll probably do it tomorrow. 

Stay in the Closet

Ed: 
You're going to miss your flight.
You need to get references NOW.
No one knows you well enough to give you good references.
You fail at socializing. 
No one knows you. 
No one cares. 
You are going to fail unless you're a good friend of all your bosses. 
You waited too long to send in the application.
You won't get into grad school.
You won't find research. 
No professor wants you to help them.
It's too late for you. All the opportunities are taken by your betters.
You're fat. 
You've gained 10 pounds. You're fat. 
You're wasting your parents' money.
Your boss will hate you when she finds out you're in Belize.
You need to break up with your boyfriend because he doesn't love you.
He doesn't understand you. 
He doesn't care. 


There. Now Ed has exhausted himself and I shall stuff him in the back of my closet for my vacation. 

Goodbye Ed. I won't see you when I get back. 

Vacation Tips?

Guess where I'll be starting next monday? 
Belize!! 
It's a tiny country in Central America, and it's where my aunt and cousins are originally from (My aunt is a native Belizian and she married my uncle, who is from America).

Guess what they eat in Belize?
Rice. Beans. Corn. Flour. 
Not things I'm comfortable with. 

Not to mention that vacations are hard times for me. I usually let Ed into my life. 
I don't want to this trip because I want to feel great for the week and a half that I'm there. 
But I've never successfully avoided him. 

Does anyone have any tips about how I can prevent Ed from joining me? 
I am planning to bring a few snacks in my suitcase but obviously I can't bring every single meal. Plus I'll be expected to eat with everyone. 

**I'll be gone until August 8th, so if I don't comment for a while, that's why! I won't have internet or phone service in Belize**

Profile of a Serial Killer

Ed isn’t just an abusive partner.

He’s a serial killer. In fact, he’s the worst serial killer on Earth. He’s been working since before the dark ages, and he’ll continue to kill until our planet is consumed by the sun.

The reasons are that he takes different names, he has different MOs, and people refuse to arrest him.

To me he’s Ed. Other people call him Mia or Ana. But those are the names people recognize as serial killers. He can also disguise himself as Healthy Eating, Diet, Exercise, Spirituality, Independence, and sometimes Power. He looks attractive, with clear skin, beautiful blond hair and eyes that sparkle like his smile. His hugs are warm and he’ll give you presents to make his way into your house. Victims give him their guest bedroom to keep. They don’t know that he’s like a gold digger, except he digs for life, happiness, and beauty. Where do you think he got all that vitality from?

He kills every victim a different way, but he does have some preferred methods. He likes to starve people. He’ll watch them and keep them locked away in their own attics, making sure that no morsels of food pass their lips. He blows up people’s stomachs by forcing them to eat and eat and eat. Sometimes he likes to hand them their own murder weapon and make them use it on themselves.

Recently I’ve obtained evidence that he gives people strokes. One survivor reports that he scarred her for life with epilepsy, a seizure disorder. Another one, not quite as lucky, can’t move an entire side of her body because of a stroke he gave her.

Ed gives people sepsis, infections of the blood.

The only similarities were found in autopsies of the mind, where it was revealed that all victims had low self-esteem, tumors of fear, and anxiety.

The worst part is that people refuse to hand him over. And when he’s stopped, he’s released again and again to find new victims. The people he targets love him. They’ll cling to him even if their families try to send him away. That is, until he starts torturing them, and by then he’s already made them so weak it can take years to tear his grip.

Depending on his MO, Ed can walk right by families and friends without being noticed.

Other people won’t arrest him because they say it’s not their problem. They say they can’t help you until you help yourself. A lot of times they don’t understand that Ed kills people for fun. Police don’t have enough evidence because no one puts “Ed” down as a cause of death. Instead they write “heart attack,” or something of that nature.

People can’t kill Ed because he has his grip on them too. They’re brainwashed to believe in his various disguises, brainwashed to fear fat, brainwashed to think that Ed is a teenage angst problem that goes away on its own, like acne.

Beware. He will come for you or someone you know. Don’t let him murder. 

You've Probably Had this Conversation

Ed: You’re fat.

Me: Why do you say that?

Ed: Because. You gained almost 10 pounds this summer. Look at that flab on your belly. And your pants are tight now. Your jeans barely fit.

Me: I know. But I'm healthy, not like those other times. I’m doing exercise now. I eat better.

Ed: No you don’t. You still binge. And you eat TONS of sweets.

Me: I have a lot of time to fix this. I didn’t gain 10 pounds, I gained 8. And I will lose it all once school starts again.

Ed: Damn right you will, because I won’t let you put a morsel of food in your mouth.

Me: Fine. I’ll let you do that if you leave me be right now.

Ed: Why not start early? I can help you lose weight. Just open up and let me pour in the thinness.

Me: You mean pour in the calories.

Ed: What’s the difference? You can eat all you want. That entire jar of peanut butter on the table will be nothing once I get through with you.

Me: I don’t feel like purging.

Ed: But you feel like eating.

Me: I’m not hungry. I’m going to drink some water.

Ed: Back to your weight.

Me: I’m healthy. No one says I look fat.

Ed: That’s because they’re being nice.

Me: I hate you. Stop making me feel bad.

Ed: Stop being fat.

Me: I’m going to walk away from you. I am not fat. I gained muscle from my job. That probably accounts for a couple pounds.

Ed: That and all the calories you eat.

Me: Yes, I’m eating more than enough calories per day. But I’m not bingeing so often anymore either. You’re scared because I’m cutting you out of my life. I don’t owe you anything. Just get out of my house.

Goals of the Week 52

I have been doing goals of the week for a full year now! I can't believe it. Days pass by so quickly, and this blog still feels new to me. 
I started goals of the week after finishing an outpatient ED program which asked us to write goals for the week. They told us not to make goals about throwing up or bingeing, which supposedly makes it less likely for you to engage in those behaviors. I can see where that thinking comes from, but for me having a clear goal in mind about bingeing helps me to stop myself when I need to. (I mean, stop Ed from taking over me) 
You wouldn't know it looking at this past week, though. My goal was to not binge for 4 days in a row, with a subgoal of every time I couldn't fight an urge to let myself overeat. 
I guess you could say that I didn't technically binge for 4 days in a row. I overate 3 of those 4 days though, so I don't know if it counts. If overeating counts as a binge, they were very small binges, which I consider improvement at the very least. 
My new b/p goal is to make it at least a week without purging (I'm already 4 days in) and have 4 days in a row of normal eating. Yesterday can be day 1. 

My non b/p goal was to ask myself what Ed wants me to do and what I need to do to stay in recovery. Again, it was helpful, and maybe this week I'll post a couple examples of what I said. I'm going to continue with this, but I don't think I need to make it a goal anymore. Instead, my goal will be to contact 3 people from group outside of the therapy sessions. I want to be friends with them, and I'm afraid that I'm putting them off somehow. 

What are your goals? 

I can be Mean Sometimes

Whenever I describe myself, one of the first words I use is "nice." I think I'm pretty nice, and it's one of my qualities that I'm happy with. If someone told me I was mean, it would cut deep. 
Maybe I'm in denial. 
It's hard for me to admit, but I don't like some people. Admitting that I don't like certain others is like giving people license to not like me, which I can't deal with. I don't like one of my coworkers. I don't particularly enjoy my boss.  
People I don't like usually haven't done anything mean to me. I either witness them doing or saying something mean about others, or I just don't like their personalities. 
One girl I never even interacted with I didn't like just because she was always involved with drama between my friends. I found out she might have depression and I felt bad. 
I even dislike my ex-roommate, and I was the one who stole things from her! 

I gossip, of course. I can dish on people who don't deserve it. 

I think some people are ugly. I even think some people are uglier than me (how is that possible?). It doesn't mean I dislike them or that I think it's bad that they're ugly. On the contrary, I'm glad there are ugly people out there who can love their lives, because it means I don't have to wallow in self-pity and unhappiness.
(Interestingly, no one I've met with an ED or in the ED community has seemed less than exquisitely beautiful. It's intimidating and puzzling) 
I think some people are fat. Sometimes I look at my sister and think she's fat. And then I worry about thinking that, as if the thought will cause her self-esteem to plummet and send her headfirst into an eating disorder. 

I worry that my niceness is just an act I put on to hide my true mean-spirited feelings. I know everyone judges to some extent, but I don't know to what extent. The girls I've met in group therapy seem nicer than me, so I wonder if I'm actually mean. 
I don't want to be mean. I want to be nice. 
Maybe it's just who I am.