Bulimics

When people think of bulimics, they don’t think of people.

They think of pale, blond nymphs surrounded by cakes and pastries, smiling with red, soulless eyes. They think of monsters stuffing food into their mouth with wild abandon. They think of hideous creatures that stink of vomit. Of things with yellow teeth and wild hair.

I believe that if I told someone I wasn’t extremely close to that I was bulimic, all they would think of when they see me is throwing up.

Calling yourself a bulimic takes away your identity. It reduces you to your worst, and it makes you into that creature you imagine everyone thinks you are.

There are times when I feel like a bulimic- my life is reduced to a sum of calories, binges and purges that define my personality and my beliefs. And then there are times where I feel so free and normal that it’s hard to believe I have an eating disorder at all.

Sometimes after a purge I can just go right back into my day without a care in the world and forget about what I’ve just done.

Everyone with an eating disorder is proof that people are more than their illnesses, but I feel like people still use them as defining characteristics. I just hate to think that the Emily people know- the one that loves dancing, singing, music, laughing, and writing could be crushed by something that most of the time doesn’t even define me.

I don’t want to have bulimia anymore. Why can’t I stop defining myself as a bulimic?

Goals of the week 16

My goal last week was to not eat unless I was hungry. Although I didn't do that at all this week, I did stop binging so much. My goal for this week is to use thought restructuring and implement an alternative behavior every time I want to binge. If the restructuring and the alt behavior don't prevent a binge, oh well. But I need to try. And I can record it all on this blog or on the study website.

My goal was to not weigh myself. I didn't do this one either. I'm going to try it again. I will not weigh myself this week. 

I was doing so well two weeks ago. Where did it all go?

What are your goals for the week?

Alternate Behaviors

This week the study is about choosing alternate behaviors to thinking about food, binging, and purging.

Blogger won't let me post a poll of all of them, so I'm just going to make a list.

Which ones do you use?

Would you add any?
Actually, for me, I can click and unclick any of those. Does it work for you?

Reading Going to a free concert Wearing something that feels good Being in the country Taking a bath Singing Doing some craft Making presents for friends Laughing Learning a language Going to a cafe Being with friends Taking an afternoon nap Listening to music People watching Painting Having a cold drink Going for a drive Looking through magazines Doing a crossword Getting a haircut Playing cards Going camping Watching TV Playing a game Sitting doing nothing Drawing Shopping Planning a vacation Sitting and thinking Riding your bicycle Staying at home Going to a play Window shopping Drinking a glass of water with lime Going to an art gallery Taking a course for pleasure Rearranging your room Gardening Going to the park Calling a friend Giving gifts Going to a movie Going hiking Listening to the radio Inviting friends over Tidying your wardrobe Buying a gift for someone Sleeping in late Walking the dog Going to a restaurant Going sailing Surfing the web Crying Giving a party Kicking leaves Redecorating your house Sitting in the sun (with sunblock) Planning something good for the future Taking a shower Restoring antiques Building something Completing a task Playing a musical instrument Having your hair brushed Traveling Walking barefoot Going to the library Asking for a hug Going to garage or yard sales Cleaning your shoes Bike riding Eating dinner by candlelight Going to a spa Watching sports Going away for a weekend Dancing Having dinner cooked for you Doing things with your children Doing things without your children Animals Reading Taking a hot shower Looking at beautiful scenery Listening to the radio Playing sports Fishing Talking

Shopping for clothes Writing Window shopping Singing Camping Watching movies Exercising in moderation Looking at interesting buildings Hiking Tracking down an old friend Having someone seek you out for company Reading the Bible Getting a massage Introducing yourself to someone new Being with other women or men Making somebody happy Praying Reading a children�s book Having someone pray for you Having people ask your advice Talking with people who like you Happy people Watching other people Winning a bet Peace and quiet Being in a church Enjoying someone smiling at you Being attracted to someone Being alone Having a clean house Ironing Receiving a gift Keeping a diary Meeting friends for an outing Swimming Having a cup of tea Going to the museum

Goals of the Week 15

Last week my goal was to stop eating when I'm full. Hahahahahahaha.

That didn't happen even once. 

I think I binged and purged every single day. 

Therefore my new goal is to not eat unless I'm hungry. This means I'll have less incentive to eat, less incentive to binge, blah blah blah. I just want to be better.

My goal for more positive interactions went really well. I'm going to continue with that.

My new goal is to not weigh myself again. I don't want to see the numbers on the scale go up and up and up. I don't want to hate myself. 

What are your goals for the week?

From Bulimia...

It’s funny to think that they traits in me that caused my bulimia also gave me positive qualities. I mean, bulimia is a black, vile disease, so it can’t come from anything good, right?

Let’s see…

Modesty comes from my low self-esteem

Faithfulness can become unwillingness to change

Perseverance to do work becomes perseverance to lose weight at all costs.

Realism means realistically I won’t overcome this anytime soon.

From Childlike personality springs need to be childlike in figure.

If I recover from bulimia, do I need to change those traits? If I don’t change those traits, will I recover? 

Nice Things My Therapist Does

A lot of us have therapists. A lot of us have had more than one therapist. So far I’ve had 4, and although they were all really nice, some I respect and like more than others. I think one of the most heart-melting things is when a therapist goes out of her way to do something for you. For example, one of my therapists over the summer had classes all day (you do them periodically to keep up with treatments and stuff) but she drove back to her office just to meet with me. That really made me appreciate her, because she was willing to take an extra step to treat me. The therapist I have now I only meet with online, but she took the time to respond to every single post I made about automatic thoughts. I’ve met her in person in outpatient treatment over the summer, so I know how busy she is, and I think it was really telling that she put in extra work for me.

            I guess people who do therapy should want to take those extra steps because that’s why they went into therapy, but not everyone does.

            Do you have any stories about nice things your therapist did for you? I’d like to hear them. J

Binge Story

I wrote this as the beginning of a non-existant story about someone with bulimia. 

Let me know what you think! Am I being accurate? Does it sound awful?

The tightness in my head and stomach is reaching an unbearable climax- I feel like there’s a child inside of me that’s trying to push its way up out of my throat.

Quickly I close the bathroom door and lock it. Turn on the fan. Run the water like I’m going to take a shower. For good measure I strip my clothes, because things can splatter pretty easily and I don’t want to smell like vomit the rest of the day.

I wet the tips of my index and middle fingers with my tongue, and a moment later I can feel my stomach heaving.

The ice cream’s all coming up, still somewhat cold and sweet. I can see the swirls of vanilla coagulate in the toilet, forming bubbly clouds and floating a few centimeters beneath the surface of the water. Then there’s clumps of bread that get stuck in my throat-I have to make myself throw up twice for each of those. And the smell of rotten cheese next, as pieces of yellow string exit my mouth along with more salty brown sludge.

Acid burns my throat- my cue to stop.

As usual, my hand is covered in vomit boogers and I have to use two pieces of toilet paper to get it all off.

Lid closed- flush.

My eyes are stinging from the purge and as I look in the mirror I can see hints of red where veins (arteries?) are furiously pumping blood.

Everything will go away when I step in the shower- the involuntary tears, the pink flush in my cheeks, the dribble of who knows what on my chin. Only my dry throat will remain, and maybe a headache- yes I can feel one coming now.

I’m too tired to look at myself and see if it’s paid off. I feel thinner, but they say you can only get rid of half the calories you eat by throwing them up.

To be safe, I lift the toilet lid, and sure enough, a few pieces of cheese are still floating there. That’s why you always flush twice.

“And that is the last time,” I croak to myself. Tomorrow will be better.