Yesterday I wanted to fast to break away from the cycle of
binging I was stuck in over summer vacation. I ate a small breakfast to start
my metabolism and then resolved not to eat anything until the next morning.
Boy did that fail.
By 10 AM I had a splitting headache, and by noon I was
starting to get tired and nauseous. In my third class of the day, my hands
started shaking and I felt lightheaded more than anything else. I got up to get
a drink and could barely get myself to the water fountain. I felt incredibly
hot- like I was burning up, and yet when I looked in the mirror, my face was
whiter than Kleenex. I needed to sleep, yet I wasn’t tired. I needed to
vomit, yet I hadn’t eaten anything. It was an awful feeling. Strangely, I
did not feel hungry, but in my mind all my symptoms were related to me not
eating, and sure enough, about an hour after I scarfed down a yogurt and two
granola bars, I started to feel like normal again.
Do things like this normally happen when you start to
restrict? I don’t remember this ever happening before.
Those few hours that I suffered were more than enough to
convince me not to fast ever again. The purpose of this eating disorder is to
make me happy, and what I felt was the furthest thing from happiness that I’ve
ever experienced. For me, even grief and loss can’t hold a candle to this kind
of discomfort. All I could think of was that my body was shutting down, that I
needed some way to escape it, that I had to get out of this state as soon as
possible. It was terrifying!
Low blood sugar can cause dizziness and making you feeling like that. Maybe you ate something for breakfast that made your sugar level jump up, and then drastically sink to a low. And that messes with your body. Many foods can cause that. If you have binged the previous days your body got used to having food and sugar, and fasting made your body go in a protesting mode with all that negative effects. Next time, if there is a next time ;) try little steps, like skipping dinner and next day skipping snacks..or if you feel comfortable even skipping lunch..
ReplyDeleteThanks for the advice! I bet you're right, that my body just wasn't used to not having all the sugar I'd been unloading on it.
DeleteI find that fasting always backfires specially after a binge cycle.. For me the only thing that worked was to preplan all my meals.. I used to sit down and plan every bite for a week and then another week until I felt more safe.
ReplyDeleteIt's pretty normal btw - when you tell your brain that it can not have something.. It wants it more and more and more cause it thinks it might never get it again - and then it starts reacting in the "weird" ways like feeling sick ect.
Planning meals sounds like a good idea.
DeleteAnd yes, telling myself that I can't have certain foods only makes me crave them more. I have learned that lesson and hopefully I will have enough strength to avoid doing that.
Its really common because you're denying your body energy. Your body may be used to the amount you give it and suddenly shutting off it's food causes a reaction like dizziness and sickness. Fasting is very dangerous even doing it for a short period of time, it can cause fainting and other things like you have experienced. Instead of fasting (which is very damaging) could you eat 3 small meals a day? little snacks that are safe enough not to trigger a binge. Cutting out food altogether is not going to make you happy, an eating disorder won't even make you happy, even if you want it to. Sorry for the rant but you deserve so much more than starving and bingeing, that is not happiness. <3
ReplyDeleteThanks :)
DeleteI will definitely not be trying fasting again any time soon. I guess the weight loss was such a tantalizing prize that I lost my head a little bit.
And sigh... once again, you are the recovery voice in my head telling me that an eating disorder won't make me happy. And I know you're right. I'm glad you know you're right. Hopefully one day the rest of us dealing with this will feel it as well.