I’m not exactly sure. I think I worry about ruining my parents’ vision of my as their perfect daughter. I’m successful, smart, I work hard, I go to all my classes, and I have a lot of opportunities ahead of me.
I can picture my parents’ reactions in my head. My mom would look very scared and worried and freak out. She would act all calm, but I would know that her heart is beating as fast as mine. She would be shocked, completely taken aback, and then the next thought that would pop into her head would be “why?”
And I wouldn’t be able to tell her.
She would ask what she could do to help me and I would say “I’d like to enter treatment at such and such program.” (because I’ve looked up treatment programs, believe it or not.)
She’d nod, and maybe there would be a conversation after that but I wouldn’t have anything else to say.
I feel like my mom would blame herself for not recognizing the signs. And I feel like once I got home she would view me as a balloon about to pop- like at any moment I could turn from a smiling teenager into some crazed monster addicted to sticking her fingers down her throat. To prevent this from happening, my mom would probably always want to be near me, and hover over me. She would push food on me even if I wasn’t hungry, under the assumption that eating more will help when it really won’t, or maybe she’ll eye my plate and question whether the amount of food on it is the right amount. I’ll get annoyed because it will remind me that I have an illness, and I’ll lash out.
My dad I feel like would have a calmer reaction, but he would also not understand at all. He would never try to understand, and he would be disappointed that I have an illness and hope that I get better. I can picture him five years from now making fun of me in his fatherly way because of this, even if I’ve been cured for 4 years.
It’s not that I don’t trust them, I just don’t think I could do it.