Saturday, August 31, 2013

Boredom and Ed

This week my computer broke. It was my fault because I went out in the rain with it in my backpack, and it got soaked.
So I bought a new one and now I'm mourning the loss of my data as well as all my saved settings and everything.
I was only without a computer for three days, but it was the longest three days of my life. It's sad but I depend on my computer for a LOT. I depend on it for entertainment, for communication, for knowledge, for distraction.
Without my computer I felt tense and stressed, even though I had no reason to be. I was lost. I was without any support. All my data kept me safe. Knowing I always had the option to just look things up whenever I wanted made me feel safe. Knowing I could access this blog without anyone possibly finding out made me feel safe. 
Needless to say, this was a huge stressor and I did binge once. There was just nothing else to do. I could spend about 30 minutes on a computer tops. And that left the rest of the day wide open for things that I didn't really feel like doing. I couldn't record music, I couldn't do my homework, I couldn't do anything, so I had to eat. 
I do think that boredom is a big trigger. It just doesn't feel right to be sitting there doing nothing. Eating is something to do, something to take time away from the day. It means you're accomplishing SOMETHING. 
Anyone else feel the same way?

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

More Recovery = More Tears

One of the best things Ed does is he blocks out negative emotions. Feel stressed? Eat! Feel lonely? Go to your room so you can skip dinner and then you’ll at least feel good about losing weight.
Ed doesn’t make any sense.
I believe that the more recovered you are, the more emotions you feel. Especially if you recover from a restricting disorder. Starving yourself is a great way to feel absolutely nothing. For me the blocked emotions of bulimia are more like feeling something very intensely but immediately getting rid of it by engaging in behavior.
Each step you take towards controlling Ed means that there’s no way to get rid of emotions, so you have to feel them. This is great because positive emotions become more sharp and more enjoyable, but it also means letting in a flood of negative emotions.
I never used to cry. I never used to feel anything.
Lately I’ve been crying about everything. When I stopped restricting I felt like I was on an emotional rollercoaster ride, and not just because of fears about gaining weight. I cried about feeling close to my boyfriend and I cried when I was stressed.
These past few weeks have been hard, but I did much better behavior-wise than I expected. I cried every single day.
In the past if I’d felt as sad as I do I would try to block it out by eating. It wouldn’t really do much in the end but it would dull the pain.
Now I know exactly what I want to do, and that is to cry. Whenever I feel the urge coming, I just let the tears flow for as long as they need to. I guess it helps me feel better, even though I will cry later about the same thing. But despite feeling sad I’ve been able to enjoy hanging out with my friends and laugh with them.
And I have to say, crying feels so much better than eating. I feel free, if not wet from my tears.
So here is a challenge: if you feel sad about something, don’t push away the reasons for it. Think about them and embrace them in your mind, and let yourself cry and feel enraged and sad and everything. And then tell me if you were nicer to yourself afterwards. 

Monday, August 26, 2013

Goals of the Week 54

My b/p goal for last week was to have 3 good days. And I can say that I did that! I had exactly three good days, and it all stems from coming back to school where I can eat what I want when I want. At home I'd been eating about 3000 calories a day, and here I've been eating 1500. I chalk a lot of it up to the fact that I'm not surrounded by food 24/7. 
My new goal is to have 5 good days. I think I could even go as far as a week, but I don't want to sabotage myself. 

My non b/p goal was to make mini-goals, which I have been doing as well. Again, coming back to school is very helpful.
My goal this week is to be honest with myself about how much time I have to do things. If that means dropping a class, better now than later. 

What are your goals?

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Emily is Unsexy Forever

Yesterday, after a great night of salsa dancing, I came back to my dorm and broke up with my boyfriend. 
I was not something I wanted to do but it had to be done. He won't be coming back to school and it seems like I would never get to see him in person again, as he lives so far away. I know that long distance relationships are not a good idea for me and it's just the basis of pain and suffering for a long, drawn out time. 
He knew it was going to end if he couldn't come back, so it wasn't a surprise. And he agreed that it was a better idea to end it before things got sour. 

I wouldn't take it back. 
But I don't know if I'll ever get over it. 

I feel like I'll be alone forever. That no one else will find me sexy or beautiful. No one else will love me as deeply or accept me for who I am. No one else will love me for all the reasons he did. I keep telling myself that I didn't make a mistake, but on the surface that's what it feels like. The biggest mistake of my life so far. 

Everything reminds me of him. The room where he would have stayed, the beds, the places where we created memories. I picked up a leopard print bra and I started crying because the reason I bought it was to be sexy for him. I have his old gloves that he gave me to keep my hands warm. One of the blankets I brought to school was his favorite and he liked to wrap himself up in it like he was Cousin It. At least he didn't ever get to ride in my car. 

This is all my fault. We could have stayed together if I hadn't decided we should break up. I don't deserve any sympathy from people and I doubt I'll get any. Do you know what I did? He was crying and I hung up on him. (I was crying too, but that's beside the point) He's right- he has nothing right now. He has no education, no job, no plan, and now no girlfriend. 
I think he'll be okay, and I really do want him to be okay. 
I'll just have to miss him. 

Have you ever been through a painful breakup? 
What helped you?

Friday, August 23, 2013

Goodbye Group

I’m not scared of people. I like people. I’m just scared of big groups of people.
That’s what group was yesterday, and it was my last day. I had made about 30 pairs of earrings to give away to everyone and of course the girls were in awe of them. (well, they ACTED that way at least) I also gave away the mini paintings, which I turned into magnets. I’ll miss the night sky one, but I have pictures of it and the point was to give them away anyway.

The therapist got a low-calorie cake and we lit candles. One for someone’s birthday, one for me to send me on my way, and one for another girl’s father. I thought it was beautiful and it almost made me cry on the spot.

She asked me what was most valuable from group. And I said:
“Just seeing how everyone here is out to support everyone else. That’s the best thing any of us can hope for in recovery. Group is the best thing I’ve done for myself in long time, and I’ll miss all of you guys and all the advice.”
And now I’m kicking myself for not saying the most important thing: You are all amazing and your love is the healing part of this experience.
I really do love each and every one of them because they love me unconditionally and wholly.
Why is that so hard for me to accept? I’m paralyzed when it comes to giving compliments to them BECAUSE of that unconditional love. It feels so alien to me and so strange that I don’t know what to do. I love their love and I return it in my heart, I just don’t know if they know I return it. I didn’t say much this summer. I didn’t offer much advice. I didn’t become really close friends with anyone. I didn’t stick around after group to chat with everyone because I was terrified.

It's true though, at least for me. Support from those girls did a hell of a lot more for me than any therapist. There's just something about realizing that you're really and truly not alone. 

There’s still time.
Keep your friends close. 

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Mini Paintings

I've been feeling better.
I had my last session of therapy today and it ended on a good note. I might go back to her, after not going back to at least 3 others. 

Yesterday I got my first ticket. It was stupid decision after stupid decision, and I just screwed everything up. So I got a citation, and I was going to go home and pretend like it never happened. I mean, I was going to pay it, just so that my parents would never find out. 
But I told them in the end, and it turned out much better than I expected. Both my parents have gotten tickets and they reassured me that it was okay.
It makes me wonder if I should try telling them again about Ed...

And I also spent some time painting, with the results below. I think they came out pretty well (actually I'm really proud of them, which is why I'm posting them), and it put me in a good mood. 

Monday, August 19, 2013

Goals of the Week 53

I haven't done this for two or three weeks now- once because I was on vacation, and after that I forgot last week. 
So I am starting anew!

My b/p goal for this week is to have 3 good days. 

My non b/p goal is to make mini goals until I get back to school.

I have been having a tough time lately. It will pass. 

Saturday, August 17, 2013

The End of Stuff and Things

So I've been bingeing and purging every day since Thursday. 
I'm going back to school in a week, and I'm very happy about that. It means less exposure to triggering foods like cake and pie and everything. 

I'm sad because my boyfriend (of almost 2 years) might not be coming back to school. And if that's the case, then I have to break up with him, because he lives nine hours away and I cannot handle long-distance relationships for longer than a summer. 

I'm sad because the girls in group are so amazing and kind and I feel like I've been selfish.

I'm sad because I didn't make any close friends from the experience. 

I'm sad because I feel like my friends are bored of me. 

It's funny, because being sad actually makes me NOT want to eat. So you'd think it would be a perfect remedy for bulimia. But no. Because whenever I don't feel depressed, I've been eating. 

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Emily's Response to Cons

Josie suggested this list. Since Emily is rational and Ed doesn't make sense, I am going to write MY responses to cons that Ed came up with. 

Cons of Recovery
1. No blog- This is MY blog, not your blog, Ed. I can write even if I'm recovered. In fact, I think if I am ever fully recovered it would be a good idea to keep writing because staying in recovery is hard. 

2. Might become fat- I know this isn't true because I don't restrict anymore. And bingeing and purging does nothing except make me gain weight. 

3. Might become depressed- I can stop depression in its tracks by calling people to me and going out to do things with others. I know when I need people to help, and I have supports who will answer the call. 

4. Might be boring- I am not boring. I have friends who love me and who think I am not boring. I am shy, but not boring. 

5. No therapy- therapy is just as important for recovered people, in order to help them stay in recovery. Even if not, I can do my own therapy by calling on my friends to go do fun activities with them. And I know I can confess my fears to them once in a while too.

6. No justification for feeling sad- Everyone feels sad once in a while. I don't need justification.

7. No justification for wanting good things- Everyone wants good things too. Just because I have a good life does not mean I don't deserve them.

8. Must face other problems- I can face problems. I am a problem solver.  
- no friends- I have friends. I must not discount them.
- boringness- I am not boring. 
- uselessness- This summer has proven that I am not useless. 

9. Nothing to work towards- I can work towards recovery. Towards helping others in my job. Towards being a good student or a good singer. Maybe I'll train for a marathon.

10. Not unique- I am unique to those who know me.

11. Can't surprise/scare people- I wouldn't do that anyway, since I don't want to tell anyone about my bulimia, even after I recover.

12. My life might not be any better- I must have faith that it will be. Plus, so what if it isn't any better? My life is pretty damn good already.

13. I'll be mean- Ed does not control my personality. I control that.

14. I won't have empathy- I will have all the experiences I have right now, so I will be able to look back on them and understand. Also, ditto from number 13.

15. Have to deal with feeling stuffed- I will not feel stuffed most of the time. When I am stuffed, I will be able to deal with it because I am strong and I will have people around me. 

16. Won't be able to experience all foods- I can experience all the foods I want to. I just won't be able to binge on things. 

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Nemesis vs Freedom

In my therapy group the assignment for this week was to take a piece of paper, draw your nemesis on one side and what it would be like to be free of your nemesis on the other. I encourage you all to do it! It was fun, plus now when I look at the freedom side of my paper I'm reminded of what I'm working towards. 


Sunday, August 11, 2013

Stupid Stupid Stupid Girl

I was very stressed out from work today and yesterday, and Ed was whispering in my ear about all my mistakes. I couldn't have a rational conversation with him, so I made his words into a silly poem. It took some of the anxiety away. 

You stupid stupid stupid girl
I ought to give your head a twirl.
You were an hour late to work-
Everyone thinks you’re a jerk.
You let someone fall out of bed!
If there were Karma you’d be dead.
You didn’t ask to help your friend.
They’re thinking “thank god she’s almost at the end.”
Your words come muddled from your lips.
It’s on YOUR watch the patient trips.
You suck, you’re fat, you’re short, you’re stout.
I can’t believe no one’s found you out.
They think you’re the one to blame
But you’re too disliked to play that game.
They hate you cause you barely speak.
They know you’re a really weird-ass geek.
They think you’re vain, that you don’t care.
They’d never invite you anywhere.
But mostly it’s because you’re dumb.
Naïve as a baby that sucks its thumb.
Go cry you stupid stupid brat.
Then go eat stupid cause you’re fat. 

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Pros and Cons of Recovery

On the plane to Belize, I came up with this list. Nearly everything on the con list is irrational, but every time I read it I get a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach that means I'm afraid to face those things. 
Does anyone else have these on their pro and con lists? 
Something else that's bothering me: I saw my therapist yesterday and I brought along my list. I told her what the list was and how many things were on it, and she didn't ask to read it. I don't know if I should feel hurt or not. It makes me feel like she doesn't care. Next session I'm going to ask her to read it directly and maybe I'll tell her how I felt. I just don't know if I'm expecting too much of her. 

1. No blog (super irrational)
2. Might become fat
3. Might become depressed
4. Might be boring
5. No therapy 
6. No justification for feeling sad
7. No justification for wanting good things
8. Must face other problems 
- no friends
- boringness
- uselessness
9. Nothing to work towards
10. Not unique
11. Can't surprise/scare people
12. My life might not be any better
13. I'll be mean
14. I won't have empathy
15. Have to deal with feeling stuffed
16. Won't be able to experience all foods

1. Singing
2. More confident
3. Lose weight
4. Feel healthy
5. More energy
6. No lying
7. No stealing
8. No guilt
9. No headaches
10. Life
11. Feel in control
12. Feel safe
13. Less family dissent (although there's not much to begin with)
14. Pride
15. Qualified to help others
16. No fear of eating

Friday, August 9, 2013

I Shouldn't Go on Vacations

Belize was beautiful! Everything was a rich green, there were lots of large flowers, and the carribbean sea was amazing. I’ll post a couple pictures to show you.
I got to visit mayan ruins, go to the zoo, horseback ride, swim in a lagoon, and snorkel on a coral reef with sharks and fish.
The highlight of the trip was swimming on the reef with the sharks. There were nurse sharks all around us, feeding on the fish our guide was giving them. Sting rays by the dozen glided under us, nearly brushing our feet with their stinging tails.
But the sting rays weren’t the most frightening part of the trip. The most frightening part was feeling like I was gaining so much weight.

Why do I always go into vacations thinking I’ll be able to lose weight? It’s not easier than at home, it’s much much harder, and I need to realize that so I won’t be set up to fail.
Really, I didn’t do too badly. And I ended up only gaining a pound or so when I thought I’d gained at least five (yes, I’ve done that in a week before).
The food was awful though. Good tasting, but awful for you. Every morning for breakfast we had something fried or cooked in butter. Tortillas, fryjacks, cheese, beans… NOT my ideal way to start the day. Then we had a big lunch of starches and meat. No vegetables, and mostly the starches were fried. For “tea” (what they call dinner) we usually had sweet bread and fruit, so it was nothing filling at all. I know dinner is supposed to be a lighter meal there, but that was when I probably ate the most calories, because the sweet bread did nothing whatsoever to fill me up and there were no other options.
I hate starches.
What was worse was having no control over the time when we ate. Ever since I started eating breakfast it’s been important for me to eat it as soon as I get up. It helps me wake up and start my day right. In Belize, breakfast was made for us every day, so sometimes I was up for a few hours before I got anything. Other times I woke up early and there was food leftover from the previous night, so I ate my breakfast then. But when REAL breakfast was served I was expected to eat again. And when I tried to say I wasn’t hungry people kept forcing food on me. Lunch was anywhere between 1 and 4 PM. And dinner could be as late as 9. I don’t mind later times, really, but I need to know when I’m eating ahead of time otherwise I get anxious and Ed finds a way to slip in.
Lastly, Everyone eats a lot in Belize. Not just us vacationers. We stayed with family members (all the adults were overweight, all the kids were stick thin) and they ate 3 or 4 tortillas each per meal. It was too much. I felt rude refusing food.
So a lot of the time I overate.
There were a few nights where I lay awake with Ed promising to restrict again when I got back.
I did better than you’re all thinking. Every day I wrote in my journal about my food thoughts and how Ed was not invited on my vacation. I made a deal with myself to only eat until I was full. Even though I did eat about 3000 calories a day (estimate) I only got stuffed twice the entire vacation. (How do you eat 3000 calories a day and not get stuffed? You work up to it. Gradually. And I’m ashamed that I got there. Plus, you eat bread, which doesn’t fill you up)
I only purged once the entire vacation.
And I only gained about one pound from it all. So I guess I did a little bit right. I’m trying to not be too hard on myself.
Now that I’m back it’s time to get back to making goals and doing a lot of work on myself. School is starting soon and I feel like I don’t have enough time to get ready. If I don’t comment on blogs tonight I’ll probably do it tomorrow.