Monday, April 29, 2013

Goals of the Week 41

I seriously considered just not writing goals this week. I feel so out of it and tired of everything, which is to be expected, since classes are ending and finals week is coming up. I worked so hard this semester, it feels kind of unfair that I have to muster up another round of energy to get through finals. 

My b/p goal last week was to go 2 days without eating sugar. I didn't complete the goal, but I tried REALLY hard 4/7 days. And then the rest I was binging from breakfast onward. Trying not to eat sugar is good, because I make it through most of the day and then only eat a pastry at night. So less sugar overall. This week my goal will be to be aware of what I'm eating. Meaning I need to go on a calorie-counting site and log my meals. I hate hate hate doing this because it seems counterproductive, but right now I need to be eating less, not more. So counting calories can help me figure out what's going wrong and keep me accountable. 

My non-food goal was to plan all my meals. I did that pretty well, except for when I was binging. I did binge on my birthday yesterday but I didn't purge, which is what I was hoping for.
This week my goal will be to apply for 3 jobs. Hopefully it will yield something. 

What are your goals?

Saturday, April 27, 2013

Happy Birthday To Me

Thank you for all the birthday wishes. It's still my birthday, since I posted this at around 1 AM before I went to bed. 
So far I have had bacon, a piece of pizza, and two bowls of ice-cream to eat. Hopefully I won't have anything else because I feel about to burst. 
This month has been horrible. I've been binging and purging for the last few days. I'd like to not purge on my birthday, but we'll see how it goes. Every day from the time I wake to when I go to sleep my stomach aches because it's so full. I can't stop eating. 
My mother sent me a four layer birthday cake. AND "party supplies" which included nuts, junior mints, salsa, and chips. So much food! I don't want it. 
And people keep handing out stuff to me because it's finals week. And my boyfriend wants to go to restaurants because he's hungry. I just want this month to be over. It's almost there, and I can make it. It just won't be pleasant. 
I like birthdays because of the parties and presents. And I guess the cake. But why did my mother have to send me a four-layer birthday cake? I shared it with people and still ate probably a third of it. 
How can I study when I'm in a binge fog? I have so much energy inside of me that I'm trembling but I can't run because my stomach is too full and I don't feel well. I can't sing because my throat is sore from throwing up. I can't focus. I feel trapped in my body right now.
It will be over. It will definitely be over. And I'm glad to be turning a year older. 

Also, random story from yesterday:
Yesterday evening I went to a swing dance with two of my friends. I got all dressed up in a fancy pink dress with no straps, and I practiced in my room beforehand to make sure that the dress wouldn't fall off while dancing. 
WELL. I was dancing with my very close friend, who is a guy, and every time he spun me the dress turned a little more on my body. And I think eventually my boob might have been exposed, or at least nearly exposed. I was so embarrassed that I had to leave the dance floor and sit around for a while. For the rest of the night I wore a coat whenever I danced. I guess I'm glad it was a close friend that saw and not someone random, but still... it was awkward. 

Friday, April 26, 2013

Not Always Anorexic

I'm a huge fan of Not Always Right, which is a website about funny customer stories. 
I found this one day on their other site, Not Always Working, and I just couldn't believe that something like this would actually happen. Not only is the waitress stupid to assume that a really thin girl automatically has anorexia/bulimia, she's also completely ignorant to why people have EDs. 
I found this horrible and kind of funny at the same time because it's so over the top, so I thought I'd share it. 

(I am 21 years old. Five years earlier, I was in hospital for operations to remove tumors, but I lost 11 lbs. in the process. Since then, I have had special medicine to make me put on weight, but despite this, I am still underweight. Note: I am in a very light t-shirt.)
Me: “Can I have the [popular meal]?”
Waitress: “No.”
Me: “Isn’t there any left?”
Waitress: “No. I just don’t want to serve you.”
Me: “…Why?”
Waitress: “Because people like you just WASTE this restaurant’s money…”
(The waitress leans in so close to my face that she spits in it.)
Waitress: “…You think you get thin by throwing up so you can get in [fashion magazines] and people will want to have sex with you? Well, let me get this into your trampy brain; you look terrible! Your skeleton is showing, you’re covered in freckles and you have stupid marks all over your body.”
Me: *almost in tears* “They’re scars—”
Waitress: “Oh, so you want to self-harm yourself as well? Being ungrateful and throwing up isn’t enough for you? But now because people don’t like you because you’re so ugly no matter how hard you vomit, you hurt yourself? Well, listen to me you b***, YOU DESERVE IT!”
(Note: by now, the whole restaurant is watching us. The waitress continues berating me. By this point, I can no longer control myself and am in tears.)
Waitress: “You want to make yourself pretty?! Well, you’ve failed! Get out of here and spend less time making yourself look pretty to have sex, and more time on your exams! How old are you, 16?”
Me: “21… but I was in—”
Waitress: “Yeah, go on! Cry! You deserve it! I hate your kind!”
(At this point, the manager comes up.)
Manager: “[Waitress], I have TOLD you about insulting customers! Go and get your stuff and get out.”
(I finally summon up enough courage to respond with a parting shot to the waitress.)
Me: “I was in the hospital!”
(I get a 70% discount for the waitress’ insults. By the way, I’m getting better!)

anything like this ever happen to you?

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Your future Unemployed Bitter Bitch

I’m going to pretend like I have time to be writing this post.
School is almost over and it’s killing me. I don’t have time to worry or study. I don’t have time to work on projects. I don’t have time for anything because I have to do everything in two weeks of time. I have to pack, study, do well on finals, finish a project, and turn in papers. Today is Monday and I need it to be Friday. I mean LAST Friday so that I have more time to get everything finished.
I’m a fast learner. In elementary school I never tried hard at schoolwork because I didn’t have to, it just came naturally. In middle school it was the same deal. Never studied for tests. In high school I studied but usually for an hour or two, not like some of my other friends who worked their butts off to get an A in AP chemistry (why anyone would take that class I’ll never know). Freshman year of college I never studied either. My classes were easy because I’m in an easy major. Psychology is a joke major, let’s be honest. There's nothing wrong with having it as a major or taking it seriously, but there’s a reason everyone is doing it.
Just the major won't cut it to get into the field. I have to put myself above the rest. I have to distinguish myself from the pack so that I will be considered for other opportunities. And everyone else is getting distinguished too, so I have to push myself even further. What I’m doing isn’t enough. I have three research experiences and it won’t count for anything to grad schools. I need an honors degree. I need publications. I need poster sessions. I need grants to fund summer research of my own doing. Crap.
You know what's funny, too? Yesterday I commented on a blog that hard work will be rewarded in time. And I really believe that, just not for myself. So that guy in my class with no research experience who sits around all day watching spongebob? Yep, he'll go to grad school if he wants to. But I won't.
I decided as a backup plan I would major in computer science. I took my first college math course last semester and this semester I am in two math courses and an intro to java class.
It’s the most frustrating, rewarding thing I’ve ever done. I go from hating the courses to loving them, and it all depends on whether or not I can figure out the answer or get the code to work. I started studying two weeks in advance for the first test in one math course and I still got a C. I don’t get Cs! I don’t know if I should give up or not. I have a good grade in the class but I constantly feel like I’m struggling to understand the material. I’m up until 1 AM fixing code and it still doesn’t work properly. I have never skipped a computer science class, never missed a single homework assignment. And I still feel like I’m behind everyone else. I get tutors to help me with my homework. I ask questions. Work with my friends. Ask for help from my relatives because they do it for a living. I am doing the damned work and I want to be learning the material as fast as I need to. Maybe I’m just not cut out for computer science. Maybe I’m not smart enough. Maybe my brain doesn’t think in the right way.
I still have As in all my classes though, so how does that make sense? Probably because I’m getting easy points for turning in things and those little assignments add up. 

Do you feel like what you're doing isn't good enough to get you anywhere?

Monday, April 22, 2013

Goals of the Week 40

My first goal was to go an entire day not eating any sugar. I have to say I didn't think I'd be able to do it. Every single day I tried there was some insurmountable challenge, some ridiculous temptation that I just couldn't seem to resist. On Friday there were snowcaps at the theater. On Wednesday I bought my boyfriend  a present of a hershey bar and had to have some. On Saturday they finally  had my favorite flavor of icecream in the dining hall. 
BUT! Then, I pulled it together on Sunday and I can say I have completed my goal! Yet another example of working hard when a deadline is approaching. 
My goal for this week is to go through 2 days not eating sugar. I need to prepare for the summer at home, and not eating sugar would help a lot. 

My other goal was to be more sensitive. Honestly I forgot about this one because it's so unlike my usual goals. Yesterday I know I was less sensitive than usual when my friend and I were talking about being single (she resents it and I was trying to tell her that being single is fine). I mean, I guess I did ATTEMPT to be nicer this week, unrelated to this goal, but I don't think I came off that way. 
My non food goal is to plan all my meals before I eat. I haven't been doing that lately due to laziness and it helps with binging. 

What are your goals?

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

2 Weeks without Purging Again

So, it's been two weeks since I last purged! And zero minutes since my last binge. 

I don't know if I mentioned this about behavior calendars but they're REALLY helpful for preventing purges for me. Since I have a specified number of days that I need to eat normally during the month, if I mess up on the other days it won't prevent me from losing weight. This means when I binge I can say "I have seven fail days left in this month. It's ok. I will still lose weight." And I don't have to purge when I binge. 
So far I have seven normal days and 5 or 4 fail days left. We're halfway through... I can do it. 

Monday, April 15, 2013

Goals of the Week 39

My b/p goal last week was to not binge on breakfast. And I can say that I did that every single day. I usually try to stay at 400 calories, but I only consider breakfast a binge if it goes above 600, because I can eat 200 less calories at lunch easily. So every day I had about 500 calories at my morning meal, and it sort of helped with the binging. Mostly I binged at lunch when I found out that my boyfriend was not going to be joining me. I just get annoyed and lonely whenever that happens so I pig out. My goal for this week is to go one entire day eating no sugar whatsoever. I did it last week- except for a starburst in the evening. And it was great! I didn't get sleepy all day, I felt good, and I didn't feel like I binged on anything. If I can get my motivation up I'd like to do it again. 
My goal was to spend no more than 5 dollars at the vending machine again. And again I failed. I only have four weeks left until the vending machines will be gone, so I might as well pick a different goal. I think my goal for this week will be to stay positive. I've been getting annoyed a lot lately because of unrelated school stress. I snap at people more, and get more emotional, I'm more worried, and I'm more sensitive. I need to take a step back and keep my cool, otherwise I'm going to lose my focus. 

What are your goals?

Friday, April 12, 2013

You are the Future You

Another piece of advice I received this week is to think about yourself in terms of who you want to become. When you're faced with a choice, think to yourself "what would future me do?" and apparently this helps you make positive life changes. 
So far this week it's helped me not buy chocolate cupcakes on two occasions. I think the reason it works is because the future you is still you, so if future you can make certain choices, you can too. 
I've only used it as a technique for avoiding binges for two days, but it's fairly successful, so give it a try!

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Behavior Calendar

Another useful tool I’ve been using is my hand dandy behavior calendar. Every day, at the end of the day (meaning right before I got to bed) I record the number of calories in, the number of calories burned by exercise, whether or not I binged and purged, and the names of the three people I had positive interactions with. If I ate normally, I highlight the day and it counts towards my monthly goal.
I think having a behavior calendar can be extremely useful. First, it helps you figure out what kinds of things occur on a day when you eat poorly. I noticed that on days I was binging I was less likely to have positive interactions with people. So I changed my behavior accordingly to integrate more positive interaction, and it helped.
Second, it helps you to realize how often your behaviors occur. Just seeing it in simple colors is really powerful.
Third, it can be motivation. I mean, not much motivation, but highlighting a day at the end is kind of nice. And seeing a mostly highlighted month is a good feeling.
I think it’s a good tool and I recommend it to you.
Below are two examples of months (april and February) that I am keeping/kept track of with a behavior calendar. 

Monday, April 8, 2013

Goals of the Week 38

I decided not to spend any time on this blog last week because I had so much schoolwork to do. Reading is fun, but it takes up SO much time, and so does writing out posts and everything. Hopefully this week I can write all my wonderful post ideas and catch up on everyone's thoughts. 
My b/p goal for last week was to eat no bread on Monday or Tuesday. I definitely did not do that. In fact, on Monday, I bought an entire cake and ate it through monday tuesday and wednesday. My goal for today is to not binge during breakfast. If I can have a good start to the day I'm more likely to continue the trend. 
Last week my non b/p goal was to spend no more than 5 dollars at the vending machine. I'm keeping it for this week because last week I spent around 15 dollars. The goal helped though! Until wednesday. I can do it this time. 

What are your goals?

Monday, April 1, 2013

Goals of the Week 37

Well, I didn't make it through yesterday. I kind of thought that post might jinx me. But I don't feel so bad about it because I did get 15/31 days, which is basically half, right? And this month I set my goal one day higher to make up for it. 
My goal for last week was to not eat bread because of Passover.
I made it about three days, which isn't too bad, even though I feel really guilty about it. I shouldn't have given in. I care a lot about keeping the tradition of not eating bread because it makes me feel connected to my family and my religion. But I did. I'm just glad I didn't continually binge on it, which could have easily happened. My goal for this week is to eat no bread for today and Tuesday, which are the remaining days in the holiday. 
My non b/p goal was to focus on schoolwork. I guess that happened. I still need to focus on schoolwork because I have two tests coming up and a project due today, but it was more important last week. This week my goal will be to spend less than 5 dollars on the vending machine. 
Gonna be a toughie. 

What are your goals?