Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Goals of the Week 45

I completely forgot about setting goals yesterday because I was so worried about going in to work. And so tired when it ended. Lately I've been napping from 3-6 because that's when I get home. I eat a snack and go straight to bed. 

My goal for last week was to not binge on dessert. 

I tried, unsuccessfully, many times. My family is big on desserts and they're always scampering to have on around, even if they're not even done with the last one. Example: We have klondike bars in our freezer, blueberry pie, chocolate chips (not for eating, but I binge on them anyway), brownies that were just finished off, and a huge basket of chocolates my dad won and hasn't touched. 
Why can't we just eat one dessert at a time?? It drives me mad when people buy another dessert item when the first isn't finished. It makes me want to eat more of the unfinished one just so there will be order. 
My goal for this week will be to use thought restructuring every 30 minutes. This will help remind me of the negative consequences of binging. I'm going to set an alarm on my watch. Practice makes perfect!
My non-food goal was to make a list of mini-goals every single day. I managed to do this I think for about 5 days. I did notice that not making a list had a negative impact on my eating habits. 
I'm going to continue to make mini-goals. My non-food goal will be to get an hour of exercise every day I'm not working. 
What are your goals?

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Where Does Self-Worth Come From?

In my first session of therapy, Laura (therapist) said that self worth comes from existing. 
I didn't believe that when she told it to me, and after some thinking, I still don't believe it (not that it's wrong, it's just not my opinion).
Where do we get our worth from? How do we justify feeling good about ourselves? 
My guess is that if you just existed and sat around all day you wouldn't feel that great. I know I'd feel bored, useless, not really worthy of much. If you did horrible things to people all day that probably wouldn't cut it either, even though you're still existing. 

Also, I don't think anyone derives their self-worth from their existence. Do you? 
Or do you derive it from actions you do, feelings you have, plans for the future? 

My self-worth comes from things I've done that I'm proud of. For example, my new job at the nursing home makes me feel worthy because I'm doing a job most wouldn't care to do. I'm doing my best to help people and make their days better. I feel worthy when I comfort someone. I feel worthy when I work hard at something and succeed. 
There was one day when I was at church and I was sitting apart from my mother. The woman next to me started crying and eventually I reached out and took her hand. She squeezed it hard and held on. I can't be sure, but I think I made her day a little brighter because of it. That memory alone gives me a warm glow because I feel good about giving her my support and that I helped her. 
Episodes like those are what I would use for justification if I were to go before God and argue that I  deserve to go to Heaven. 
Episodes like those are what help me still believe that I'm a good person even when I've done things like steal food. 

I do think that everyone deserves to feel good about themselves. Everyone has done good things in their lives (even if it's a small thing, like being friendly to someone or hugging your parents), and one good thing can outweigh 100 bad. I just hope they feel good for the right reasons. Otherwise, if you felt like your worth didn't depend on what you did, what's to stop you from hurting people all the time?

What do you think? Where does your self-worth come from?

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Intake Eval

Today was my first day of therapy. I thought I would post feelings and thoughts about it on here so that I can remember things to bring up next week, and to see if you have had similar experiences or what insights you have to offer. 
Should I show her this blog sometime? 

She asked all the normal admittance questions like “were you abused,” “do you have hallucinations,” and “do you do drugs.”
I felt kind of embarrassed answering no to all of them because it reminded me what a blessed life I lead. Literally, I can’t think of a legitimate complaint I can make about my life situation. Everything is going well for me, and everything has always gone well for me. I have no history of trauma, I never got into any (big) trouble, and I had an upbringing which on all accounts should have turned me into a super awesome mentally stable woman. I was wondering whether the therapist was thinking I shouldn’t be there because nothing bad had happened to me.

In my head here’s how the session could have gone:
Therapist: Well, Emily, I don’t know what good therapy can do you.

Me: What do you mean?

Therapist: You say you know all the skills I could teach you. There are no horrible experiences in your past to revisit and get over. You say you’re making progress and I don’t think therapy will be able to help you further than you’ve been helping yourself.

Me: I thought there was never such a thing as too much therapy. I thought therapy could always help even if the problem was small.

Therapist: There’s only so much therapy can do. You’ve done everything and it hasn’t gotten you any better in a long time. Besides, these are just normal stresses. You really think you need a therapist just because you stayed up all night worrying about your new job?

Me: I…

Therapist: I don’t want to waste my time on you. No offense, but what you need is someone to talk to, not insight. I could help you, but there are only so many hours in the day and a lot of patients to comfort.

Me: Ok. (leaves dejected)

It didn’t go like that, obviously. But it was only the first session. There’s plenty of time for her to see that it’s no use trying to help me. 

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Sher Locked

Lately I've been obsessed with someone. No, not my boyfriend (although I love him to the ends of the earth). This someone doesn't even exist, he's just a character. But since when does that stop people from crushing?
Sherlock Holmes.

If you haven't seen Sherlock I suggest you watch it because it is literally the best TV show I've ever seen. Of course, it helps that episodes are an hour and a half long.
The stories are engaging, it's humorous, the characters are believable. And not only that, but the show looks fabulous. I have only ever been impressed by type on screen in Stranger than Fiction and these episodes.
And of course Benedict Cumberbatch is damn sexy. I wish he'd always wear his hair like that, it looks so good. His voice is glorious as well. It's that perfect blend of broody, mysterious intelligence. 

Who else likes Sherlock, either the actor, character, or show?
Who's your insane character crush? 

Monday, May 20, 2013

Goals of the Week 44

First of all, thank you to everyone who responded to my last post!
I responded in the comments, and I wanted to say that everyone's responses made me feel relieved and closer to you all. It was just a good feeling all around. 
Second, I started my new job today! I'm working at an old-folks home this summer, and it seems like it's going to be very fulfilling. Today the most hands-on thing I did was hand out cups to people, but after lunch two residents came up to me and told me I did a great job helping.

As for goals...
My b/p goal last week was to stop eating food after 9 PM. Ha. Ha. Ha. I did that 0 days out of seven. I don't think I'm going to try it again this week. My goal will be to not binge on dinner/dessert. The way I will accomplish this is by distracting myself after dinner, going up to my room to be out of the way of food, using thought restructuring, and making meal plans. 
My non-food goal was to get 30 minutes of exercise every day. I didn't want to, because I was binging the entire week, but I made myself. My goal for this week will be to make a list of mini goals for each day. I don't know if I'll need it because now that I'll be working I'll have more structure, but it never hurts. 

In other news, I tried to secretly sign up for therapy. The intake eval is this Wednesday.
What are your goals?

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Things I Lie About

1.    Whether or not I ate the last piece of cookie cake
2.    When I opened the ravioli (it was at 1 in the morning and I ate it frozen)
3.    How many chocolates I had (at least ten, I said two)
4.    That I’m fine
5.    Where I am when I go see a therapist
6.    That I like sex
7.    How much of Moby Dick I read
8.    Why I can’t sing
9.    How “good” my sister sounds when she sings (she's tone deaf or something, I swear)
10. When I go to sleep.
11. I don’t mind how much video games my boyfriend plays

There's probably more but I can't think of anything else right now.
What do you lie about? 

Monday, May 13, 2013

Goals of the Week 43

I am officially done with classes! No more finals, no more tests, no more anything for the rest of the summer. Unless I sign up for a summer class. I ended up with three As and two Bs, which isn't bad at all. I got a B in fiction class- if any of you remember that story I posted it got a B in the end. The B there made me feel kind of mad because I was doing the class for fun, not to be told that I'm not up to snuff to get published. I know I'm not up to snuff. I just wanted to push my limits and I did. 
My other B was really a miracle: I got a C on my final after much studying and a C on most of the tests in the class. But getting all the extra help on my homework paid off because it brought me up a letter grade. Thank god I'm done with that class. I learned a lot, just not quickly enough. 

My b/p goal last week was to count calories. I did this pretty well, and it helped during the day. At night though, I've been going up and down the stairs to get food out of the fridge. Food of a chocolate variety. My goal for this week is no food whatsoever after 9 PM. I hope to stop the night binging. 
My non-food goal was to apply for three jobs. I didn't complete that, but who cares, because I got hired! I'm going to work for an old folks home. We'll see how it goes. But I don't start until next week so this week my goal is to get 30 minutes of exercise every day. It's hard to do when you have no classes to stomp off to all the time. 
What are your goals?

Saturday, May 11, 2013


Do you ever lie awake, trembling at the certainty that your loved one does not care for you? Your mind is pacing. You can't stop thinking about the way he tersely said goodnight. You would do anything to take back all your mistakes. 

Of course, it's all in your head because he does love you. He wasn't terse, you just imagined the message that way. And he was gone because he was traveling. 

My fear is that one day it won't just be me being crazy. 

Friday, May 10, 2013

Girl, Interrupted

I felt like I should read this book a long time ago, since I'm supposed to be interested in everything having to do with psychology. But I just couldn't get into it the first times I tried. I mean, I never actually opened the book, I just stared at the cover and sighed to myself. I tried watching the movie too a couple times, and it didn't resonate after the first five minutes. 
But then, I gave the movie one last shot, and it was amazing. The story centers on Susana Kaysen and Lisa, a sociopath who is the catalyst for most of the trouble at the mental hospital. THe movie is very character-driven, and we get to know a few of the patients in depth. 
After watching the movie, I had to read the book. And I loved it even more, although the two were different in a lot of ways. 
The book is full of short, memorable anecdotes that give you a bigger picture of life in a mental hospital, but doesn't give a clear story. I wouldn't expect one since the book is autobiographical. I was never bored, and I finished almost n one night, but I had to put the book down and sleep. 
The book asks what it means to be mad. Are we mad? We have delusions that our bodies are too fat, we're paranoid that people wouldn't love us unless we're skinny. We hallucinate giant stomachs and thundering thighs. 
But mostly we can see reason. We're not dangerous to anyone else. So are we crazy then?
I don't think I am. 

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Abercrombie and Fitch

I came across this news article the other day:

Apparently Abercrombie and Fitch does not want people above a size 10 to shop in their stores. They only want "cool, skinny" kids in their clothes.
This makes me hate them a little bit, and it makes me feel bad a lot. I'm a normal weight (well within normal range) and I'm a size 11. So I'm not skinny enough for them.
Not that I wear their clothes anyway.
I guess I'm okay with them not wanting to sell clothing to large women. People can choose their markets however they want. They don't have to be nice. What I'm mad about is the assumptions that only skinny kids are popular and cool, that people above a size ten are automatically overweight. 
Plus, they're being incredibly stupid, since most women are above a size 10 now anyway. 
I hope they go out of business. 

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Goals of the Week 42

Finals are almost over...
Just three more and then I'm done.

My goal this week was to count calories. And I did that pretty well. I don't know how much it helped but it definitely made me aware of what I was eating. And it was less than I thought. But not much less. I still need to eat less because I'm gaining weight and not exercising because of all the time spent studying. 
So my goal this week will be to count calories again and try to stick to my limit. The word being TRY. If I go over it won't be the end of the world. 
My non-food goal was to apply for three jobs. And I did it! But no results yet. My non-food goal will be the same again, and to do well on my finals. 
I just need to focus. 
What are your goals?