Monday, September 30, 2013

Goals of the Week 58

These past couple weeks have been hell for me. 
My new bf and I broke up and are not friends, another of my friends probably likes me, I've binged every single day, and I ate about 5000 calories yesterday alone. 
I miss my ex. I really really miss him. 
I hate being alone.
My only goal this week is to lose weight. I need to feel more comfortable in my own skin. 

I will exercise every day this week, do all my homework, no naps, and I will not binge. 

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Telling Your Boyfriend you have Bulimia

I did it! I completed my goal yesterday of telling my new bf that I have an ED. 
And guess what- he didn't reject me!
Well, he sort of did, but then he un-rejected me.

Basically, he came over to visit and for us to talk about things. He's the kind of person that overthinks things and he hasn't been in many relationships, so he was having some concerns about pacing and communication. We talked about that and resolved those things, and then I told him I had to tell him something. 
We walked for 20 minutes trying to find a place with no one else around. Who would've thought that a college campus could be so crowded late at night? XD
Eventually we settled for the top of a cold parking garage (incidentally, I think it's "our place" since we've been there so many times) and I sat down about to tell him. 
Before I could, he said we should break up, which surprised me given the fact that we'd just resolved issues half an hour ago. 
I was mad, but not about him breaking up with me, moreso that he broke up with me just before I was about to tell him something important. It was like stealing my thunder! Because I was all ready to receive his support and then suddenly he needed mine because he was sad that he felt he couldn't be with me. You can't tell someone you have an ED after they break up with you. 
Anyway, I told him that I was mad that he'd done that, and then I told him. 
He asked if he could take back breaking up, because he'd just been scared. I said yes, although with some trepidation. 

He seems okay with it. He didn't ask very many questions, but I think more will come as time goes on. Either way, whether he decides he wants to keep dating me or not, I'm glad I told him. I think he'll be a good support.

Every time I tell someone I have an eating disorder it goes better than I expect. Maybe it's not such a shameful thing after all. 

Monday, September 16, 2013

Goals of the Week 57

My b/p goal last week was to have 5 good days. Again I didn't make it, but I still had 4 good days. So again my goal is five good days. The reason I didn't make five last week was because I went out on two dates with my friend! I only purged yesterday, and I'm not sure why that was. 
I think my friend might still be unsure of whether or not he wants to date me. This makes me mad, because it means I want him more than he wants me, and I feel slightly rejected. Giving him space and time is the answer, so I will do just that.

My non b/p goals were to do an hour of homework every night and to weigh the pros and cons of telling my friend. I did both of those, and I think that after hearing your advice I should tell him. So my goal is to tell him today. 
This could be a horrible idea. But I should do it anyway.

What are your goals?

Friday, September 13, 2013

Pros and Cons of Telling my Boyfriend

1. He'd know, and there would be no secrets between us
2. He could offer support
3. It could strengthen our relationship

1. He would probably dump me
2. He'd think kissing me is disgusting
3. He might tell others

I can imagine him reacting in two ways:
The first way is where I tell him, and he hugs me. And then he asks what he can do.
The second way is where I tell him, and he hugs me. And then he says he doesn't want to date me until I'm recovered. 
To which I would have to reply: "That could be forever."

I don't think he'd dump me because of disgust, although he might be disgusted either way. 

Last time I told my bf it went really well. We cried about it, shared secrets, and accepted each other. And he tried to be a support for me. 

I think maybe waiting a longer time might be a good idea. Until he's hooked, and then there will be less of a chance that he'll dump me. The other thing with that is that he might construe that as me having lied to him during our relationship, which would not end well. 

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Manipulative Things an Ex Says

You don’t understand: I have NOTHING.
It’s easy for you, you have a life.
I’ll never stop loving you.
The only thing I live for is working to get back to you.
I’ll never meet anyone else because you are the perfect woman.
If you date someone else it won’t be your fault, it will just be me getting screwed over in the last way possible.
Why am I the only one who has hope that we’ll get back together?
You don’t care about me.

What am I supposed to say?
I still care about him, but I don’t believe we’ll ever meet again, and frankly, I want to date other people.
I don’t ever initiate contact with him, but he bombards me with messages that break my heart and make me mad.
A part of me likes that he still loves me, although that will probably fade away eventually, but it makes me feel incredibly mad and guilty for trying to move on. Is it so wrong to want to be happy?
What to do?

Monday, September 9, 2013

Goals of the Week 56

My b/p goal last week was to have 5 good days. I didn't make it, but I did have 4 good days. I chalk some of that up to the turmoil caused by thinking my friend didn't like me and also feeling guilty in regards to my ex...
So this week I WILL have 5 good days. That is my goal. 

My non-b/p goal was to call the counseling department, which I also did! It was harder to do than I expected, as I had to talk to my old therapist (who I haven't seen in over a year) before they would give me a new appointment. I still don't have someone to see, and at this point, I don't know if I ever will. I don't know if I'd have time anyway. My goal this week is to do at least one hour of homework a night so that I can get everything done by Saturday, which is going to be Date Day/night, as it's the only day of the week my (boy)friend and I are free. My other goal is to weigh the pros and cons of telling him I have an eating disorder. I don't think I'll tell him any time soon, but I'll need to tell him eventually. 

What are your goals?

Sunday, September 8, 2013

I Kissed my Best Friend Part 2

There have been some interesting developments in the past week. 
Basically, my friend and I are no longer friends because we are now a couple. 
What happened was that we went dancing (like we always do) and in the middle of the evening we sat down and had a heart to heart.

Him: I still really like you.
Me: I like you too, I just don't believe you're attracted to me.
Him: Why would you think that??
Me: Because you don't act like it.
Him: (sweeps me away in a romantic kiss) I think we should be together.
Me: (squee!)

Last week I was unsure about this, but right now it feels exactly perfect. All my fears are gone and what I'm left with is a contented, fuzzy feeling in my stomach. 
Kissing him is wonderful. I don't miss my ex when I'm with him (or most of the time anymore). I'm excited about our future together and I think it will be amazing. 
Also, he thinks my legs are sexy.

I just wanted to proclaim my joy to the heavens, since we're waiting a week to go completely public with it. Not that it matters, since everyone we know has assumed we were dating even when we weren't. 

Saturday, September 7, 2013

I Don't Know my Weight

One of the best realizations I had this summer was that my ED is not about weight at all. It might be about shape and image, but I really don't care about weight at all. It's such a weird realization to have after you've spent years looking at a number on the scale and forcing yourself to throw up because of it. But I wasn't really throwing up because of my weight, I was throwing up because of other things and I convinced myself it was because of my weight. 
I haven't looked at a scale in two weeks. The reason is simple: there are no scales here at college for me to hop on. But freshman year I went out and bought one, and this year I have no urge to. 
So although I feel bigger than I want to be, I don't know my weight. And I really don't care. 
It's such a relief to not have to worry about gains from one day to the next. Yesterday I binged and purged, and normally I would have gotten on the scale with trepidation thinking "crap, I'm gonna be 5 pound heavier today." But now I don't have to know if I got heavier or not. And without knowing for sure, there's a chance that I didn't get heavier. 
It's just great to not focus on weight so much. Now if I could only stop focusing on shape and image...

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Doing Homework with Ed

I must be stupid or something, because I decided to challenge myself and major in something that I have absolutely no talent for. Psychology is easy. I get it and I love it. Computer science, not so much. 
Invariably, I find myself sitting on a couch, letting Ed stuff food into my mouth while my head pounds from exasperation. 
Me: I can't do this!
Ed: You're just stressed. You need to calm down. 
Me: You're right. 
Ed: Why don't you eat a salad?
Me: But I'm saving that for dinner.
Ed: Eat it now and skip dinner. It doesn't make a difference.
Me: But I'm full.
Ed: It'll calm your nerves. And once you're done eating you can go back to working. It'll all make sense after 20 minutes. 
Me: No, I don't think I want to do that.
Ed: You're right, a salad isn't going to work. What you need is a brownie. I've got some money for you.
Me: That's my money.
Ed: What's money anyway? Go buy yourself a nice delicious brownie. It'll get you off the couch and give you a break.
Me: Well... ok. 

I need to find a way to break this. Today I used the skill of telling myself that I was full and that there was no use in bingeing more even though I'd already gone over my calorie limit. 
What do others do to assuage binge urges related to schoolwork? 
I called the counseling office and apparently I need to talk to my old therapist before I can even think about getting a new one. Which means I might be on my own for a few weeks, as she's not being very proactive about returning my calls. 

Monday, September 2, 2013

Goals of the Week 55

My b/p goal last week was to have 5 good days. And I did it! But I only had 5, not an entire week, like I thought I might be able to do. This week my goal is going to still be 5 good days. And in addition I am going to have an eating schedule.
Tuesday-Friday: breakfast = eggs, milk, and cheese, lunch = salad, dinner = soup, dessert = fruit
Saturday and Sunday: Brunch = eggs and salad and milk, dinner = soup, dessert = dessert!
Hopefully I will be able to stick to this for the rest of the week. Today I will follow the schedule for dinner because I've already had brunch. 

My non b/p goal was to be honest about how much time I had. I did that as well! And I dropped one class. I was exceedingly relieved when I dropped the class, because it frees up my evenings to dance, which I want to do more than watch stupid movies anyway. My goal for this week will be to call the counseling center and set up an appointment. I don't want to wait until I'm in deep shit to start getting help. 
As a side note, amazingly, I've been having a lot of social interaction even though I eat alone and my bf is gone from my life. It's a great feeling to discover that you have more friends than you thought. 

What are your goals?

Sunday, September 1, 2013

I Kissed my Best Friend

I think I've made a huge mistake. 
Obviously, I'm still getting over my ex, as we just broke up a week ago and we still love each other. I miss him every day, and we still talk, which is normally a huge no-no for me but I can't help it. It calms me to see his words. 
I don't know if anyone remembers, but last September I had a post about how I had feelings for a platonic friend, but that I would just let them fade away. They didn't. I kept having them all of last year and although I got used to it, it caused some emotional tension. 
So of course, as soon as I broke up with my bf, I felt relieved because I could finally feel these feelings without being guilty. 
I knew he felt the same way, and this was confirmed one day after we spent an evening together watching the sun set an talking and talking and talking (we can talk forever). We stood next to each other and he grabbed my hand. I was surprised, but I didn't resist. 
Later, when we were lying in the grass just talking and watching the evening get darker and darker, he worked up the nerve to kiss me. 
My only thought at the time was FINALLY. 
We decided to wait a month to actually date (to give me time to get over my bf) and until then we're just going to be friends. 
The problems are:
1. Kissing him was not as good as kissing my ex. I mean, I liked it, but it just didn't give me tingles in the same way. And I don't know if I can live with that, because it will just make me less attracted to him every time we kiss.
2. What the fuck was I thinking??? This is my best friend! I don't want to lose his friendship and I feel like I already have. Even if he asks me out in a month, if I say yes, we can't go back. If I say no, I feel like we'll have lost some of that magical stuff that made our relationship what it is. 
3. I'm afraid if I date my friend I'll lose my ex forever. He wants me back, and he's told me that he has a goal of coming back to school or finding me after I graduate and getting me back. I told him it was baloney, but I think it could actually happen. I do believe he loves me that much. Plus, I'm sure he'll stop talking to me if I date someone else. It's completely reasonable, but I don't want to stop talking to him. 
4. I feel guilty about waiting less than a week. I don't want to hurt my ex's feelings. I don't want people to think I'm a slut. 

So I don't know what to do. I guess I have three more weeks to think about this, but I really don't know what to do. 
Expect more posts on this topic.