Friday, November 30, 2012

Protective Factors

Protective factors are factors that, well, protect you. The more of them you have the less likely it is that you'll get whatever disease they protect against. 
here are the ones for eating disorders:

High self esteem
Positive body image
Critical processing of media images
Emotional well-being
school achievement
being self directive and assertive
Good social skills with success in performing in different social roles
problem solving and coping skills
belonging to family that does not overemphasize weight or attractiveness
eating regular meals with the family
belonging to a less westernized culture
involvement in a sport with no emphasis on attractiveness
peer and social support structures where weight is not a high concern
authoritative parents

I bolded all the ones I definitely have. 
I only need one more to make half! I didn't highlight emotional well-being because I have bulimia, which probably means I don't have emotional well-being. Same with problem solving skills, even though I think I do have them in other areas. 
What about you?

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Liebster Blog Award

The rules:
You post 11 things about yourself
ask 11 questions
tag 11 people with no more than 200 followers

11 things about yourself:
1.     I’m a Harry Potter fanatic- it’s always been and always will be my favorite series. Say what you will about the writing- I think it’s not half bad and the story is so captivating that it makes up for any shortcomings.
2.     My favorite flowers are lilacs. I love the smell.
3.     I love cheesy romance when it happens in real life. Especially to me. The most romantic thing I’ve ever experienced was when I was kissed under a canopy of stars. (a first kiss with that person, by the way. What could be more perfect?)
4.     I have almost no fashion sense. I mean, my clothes aren’t generally awful, but I certainly don’t have ten pairs of shoes.
5.     I get along better with guys than I do with girls. Is this true for anyone else? Maybe they’re less intimidating.
6.     I love cake decorating. Maybe it’s a product of my eating disorder but I still enjoy making fun creations.
7.     One of my dreams is to be Eponine in the musical Les Miserable.
8.     I’m afraid of giving birth (not that I’m pregnant). It probably has something to do with my low pain tolerance.
9.     I don’t like coffee. Or alcohol for that matter.
10. When I say “asked” it comes out “assed.” I don’t think anyone else notices, but I get paranoid that they’ll think it’s a Freudian slip.
11. I’m very straight, but I would go lesbian for Anne Hathaway in Dark Knight Rises. It just so happens that I also admire Anne Hathaway in other roles because she’s not super skinny and her nose is big. And she seems like a genuinely nice person.

1.     tell the story of your most embarrassing moment
Sigh. I was in fifth grade and I was definitely not part of the popular group. Looking back I was probably a bitch but I didn’t know it at the time, all I could tell was that I was being excluded. Anyway, in gym class we all had to sit in rows on the floor. So I sat down and this huge, earsplitting fart emitted from me. Everyone in the class laughed, including me, even though I was turning red. And then someone yelled out “I think it was Emily!” And they all laughed again. I was mortified.
2.     Do you have any brothers and sisters?
Yes, I have a younger sister and a younger brother. They’re both awesome, and I think my younger sister is a lazier, cuter, smarter version of me.
3.     Talk about your hobbies/favorite activities
I love to read, although I haven’t done it in a while. I love watching movies, I love dancing… I don’t do anything really weird or quirky as a hobby, so I’ll just leave it at that.
4.     What’s your dream job?
If I absolutely knew I would be successful and make money, I would be a writer/singer/actress. All three. My other dream job is to be a therapist that specializes in eating disorders. Creative, right?
5.     What are some things you hope to accomplish before you die?
Besides being in Les Mis, someday I want to write a novel. I want to raise children and raise them well. I want to travel all over the world to places like the Bahamas, Israel, Italy, and Australia.
6.     What was your favorite childhood show or movie?
You gotta love Land Before Time. I was so enamored of the movie that I made my mother buy me toy dinosaurs and then acted out scenes with Little Foot, Cera, and all the other characters. Land Before Time is still a great movie, even now that I’m older. And if you watched the series movies later, who doesn’t love the eggs song?
7.     If you could remove all the calories from 1 food, what would it be?
Chocolate. Definitely chocolate.
8.     If you were a superhero, what would your superpower be and what would your superhero name be?
My power would be to transform into anything I wanted. I could pretend to be other people, other things… whatever I wanted. My name… I wouldn’t have a name. Because no one would recognize me!
9.     What does your ideal vacation look like?
My ideal vacation is to the Bahamas, skinny enough to look hot in a bikini. My bff would come along too, and for the entire time she and I would be dedicated to having fun. No computers to distract or books to read alone.
10. Describe the first time you drank alcohol or did drugs.
Since I never did drugs, I guess I have to answer the alcohol question. Honestly, there’s not a story. My parents just gave me a taste of their wine and to this day I still say that it tastes like burnt grapes. I’ve tried various forms of alcohol and the only one I enjoyed was a fruit cocktail which had more fruit than alcohol. (it was also colorful, which helped)
11. What’s your favorite thing about your hometown?
The fact that I know how to get everywhere. It matters a lot.

Here are the answers to Rachel’s questions. I know this post is getting really long but damn it I want to talk more! Plus they’re all interesting questions.

1.     What music do you like and why?
ALL MUSIC! Seriously, as long as the song is interesting and sounds good, I love it. My bf is into growly songs because he likes lyrics. I have a horrible ear for them so all I care about is the melody. Unless the lyrics are so bad that they ruin everything, of course. My favorite song at the moment is Valse de Amelie. The song that’s running through my head is “Shawty’s like a melody in my head…” (I just looked it up on youtube and I learned that the name was Shawty. I thought it was Charlene. Just an example of my horrible lyric hearing skills) Why?
2.     Do you sing or play a musical instrument?
Both! I love to sing, and I think I’m pretty good at it. I play the piano and the viola.
3.     Can you pinpoint when your eating disorder began? Why did it start?
Like many of you, my eating disorder had many starting points. I dealt with about a month of starvation in 8th grade, and then possibly swerved into a binge eating disorder until 11th grade, when I began to restrict and exercise again. But in 11th grade on Thanksgiving I began to purge. That’s when I consider the beginning of my ED. It started because I wanted to be perfect. I wanted to lose weight. I wanted to be worthy of love. I hated myself. I couldn’t handle being full.
4.     What’s your favorite season?
Spring, because things are getting warmer, colors are everywhere, and there’s so much summer fun to look forward to.
5.     One food with no calories?
6.     Describe your hair
Light brown, and it sticks up everywhere unless it’s brushed constantly. It’s pretty straight but it waves at the ends. Right now it’s past my shoulders but not at my waist.
7.     Diet coke or diet pepsi?
Neither, I don’t like them. But I drink diet mountain dew like there’s no tomorrow.
8.     3 favorite books?
Harry Potter, Animal Farm, One Hundred Years of Solitude
I have too many favorite books.
9.     Celeb thinspirations?
I don’t have thinspirations. For some reason they’ve never been helpful to me.
10. What’s your bedroom like?
My dorm room? Things are piled on my bed because I don’t sleep there, I sleep with my bf. There are pictures of an anorexic and an obese lady that I drew. I don’t know what people think of me when they see them. Stuff is all over all the surfaces, but I don’t think it’s too messy. I don’t spend more than ten minutes in there a day, so I guess you could say I don’t like it.
11. What is your dream career? Do you think you’ll do it?
My dream careers are to be a singer/actress/writer or an ED therapist. I think I could do the second one, but I’m embarrassed to show any interest in EDs while at school. What if people guess?

11 questions:
1.     What is your proudest moment?
2.     Who do you trust most in the world?
3.     Favorite movie?
4.     Worst movie you’ve ever seen?
5.     Name something your ED took away from you or prevented you from doing.
6.     What’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever done for someone?
7.     Favorite memory of your mother or father?
8.     What’s your favorite animal?
9.     Which famous person would you most like to meet in your lifetime?
10. What’s the happiest you’ve ever felt?
11. If you saw someone purging what’s the first thought that would go through your head?

Waiting for Repairs
Too Fat for Words
Ruby Tuesday
Back from the Brink
Ninety Nine Pounds

I know some of you have already been tagged but feel free to just answer my questions to you!

Monday, November 26, 2012

Goals of the Week 20

My goal for last week was to not binge for 2 days. I made it, but it didn't feel good. My first day was Thanksgiving (yes, I made it the whole day without binging) and the second was yesterday. All the days in between I was binging and purging nonstop. I purged so much that I got a blister on my tongue from it. 
My new goal is to not binge for 3 days. Slowly working my way up. 

My non b/p goal was to stay positive over the holiday. I did, and I had a great time when I wasn't puking my guts out in the bathroom!
I always wonder how people don't realize that I throw up my food right after I eat. This Thanksgiving I was trying to be discrete but my parents know I have an eating disorder and they were there when I excused myself to go to the bathroom right after every meal. They heard the water go down the pipes. They saw how I reappeared five minutes later, delicately touching my mouth to make sure I hadn't missed a spot of vomit on my face. 
How do they not notice? But I guess people don't notice what they're not looking for.
My new goal is to have 3 positive interactions with different people this week. 

What are your goals for the week?

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Bulimia Anniversary

This is the day that started everything. 
Two years ago, I was 115 pounds and in the middle of losing even more weight. I used to exercise every day for up to two hours and eat little amounts of food. My stomach had adjusted to this, and I'd made it a whole three or four months without slipping. If I'd continued like that I probably would've developed "official" anorexia; I was about 10 pounds away from being underweight anyway.
That didn't happen. 
I made myself lose weight for the holidays, especially thanksgiving and Christmas. So on Thanksgiving, I made myself eat seconds and thirds of every dish I knew I used to love. It felt awful and I thought my stomach would burst. Suddenly, regaining all the weight I'd lost was a horrible idea, and I couldn't let it happen. I'd tried to make myself throw up before, but I guess I was too scared before or didn't stick my finger down far enough. 
This time, in downstairs bathroom in my cousin's house, around the corner from all the guests and just behind a thin wooden door, I made myself vomit up everything I'd eaten. 
And then I ate some more. 
I thought Thanksgiving would be the first and last time I made myself throw up. I managed to keep myself away from doing anything stupid until Christmas, but after that the cycle was in full swing and I couldn't stop. 
Right now I think I'm getting worse, because I'm able to binge and throw up many times a day. And sometimes I do. 

To make up for this morose post, here are ten things I'm thankful for:
1. Hot tea swirled with sweet n low
2. hugs from my cousins
3. my wonderful loving boyfriend
4. romantic kisses
5. a full head of hair
6. snowflakes
7. stretchy pants
8. a tuned piano
9. electricity
10. baby pictures of my siblings (they were so cute!)

What are you guys thankful for?

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Things I care about/like to do besides Bulimia

1.     music
2.     singing
3.     playing piano
4.     dancing
5.     friends, and asking them questions
6.     reading literature
7.     writing stories
8.     spending time with family
9.     debating morals
10. getting good grades
11. Spanish
12. Making presents for people
13. Baking and making cool cupcake decorations
14. Drawing
15. Acting
16. Staring at the stars
17. Spending time outside when the weather is nice
18. Shopping for dresses
19. Making people feel happy
20. Psychology/therapy

This is what I am. I am not bulimia. 

Monday, November 19, 2012

Goals of The Week 19

My goal for last week was to not binge. 
And once again, it didn't work. 
I really really want to do this. My new goal is to not binge for two days. I can do that, right?

My non b/p goal was to get my work done over the weekend. It happened, which was great, but it didn't make me feel good. 
My new goal is to stay positive over the holiday. Thanksgiving is especially triggering for me because that was when my illness first started two years ago. 

What are your goals for the week?

Friday, November 16, 2012

Tell Your Friends You Have an ED

I know that a lot of times people with EDs are afraid to tell their friends about their eating disorder or ask them for help. With good reason, as I‘ll get to later.
I also know that oftentimes people won’t guess that someone has an eating disorder even if presented with pretty obvious evidence. For instance, if someone hears you throwing up in the toilet and you come out and tell them you’re sick, they might just believe you. No one would let that happen, so people have to guess by watching us eat and looking for physical signs, as we won’t let our mental stresses show.
No one guesses, so it’s up to us to tell them.
            Why shouldn’t we?
Well, because:
1.     they might think we’re disgusting
2.     they might not care
3.     they might stop hanging out with us as much
4.     They might become overbearing out of love (although I think this is less likely to happen with friends than with parents)
5.     They might tell someone else

All legitimate reasons. So why should we tell them?
1.     they might help us
2.     they will probably still love us for who we are if they’re truly our friends
3.     they could help us defeat triggers
4.     we can tell them what’s going on with us when we’re in a bad mood because of our EDs

Again, all legitimate reasons. I would say to sort of feel people out before you tell them, to see how they would react. Like you can ask them what they would do if they discovered you had an addiction. And if they don’t fail and if you trust them enough, the benefits of telling outweigh the costs.
I go through all this in my head, and I play out all possible good and bad scenarios on paper, but I still can’t tell people. Only my parents, boyfriend, and therapists know. It’s not hard telling therapists at all, and my parents have probably forgotten I even had a problem by now. My boyfriend and I don’t talk about it too often but he’s always there when I need him. I’m debating telling one of my other close friends, because I trust him and I think he could be very supportive. But what if it ruins his opinion of me? I’m too afraid of the slim chance that he would stop being my friend to get help from him.
What do you guys think?
Have you told people? Are you planning to? What are your reasons for and against?