The Cloud of Binge

I binged today. For breakfast I ate two bowls of cereal with skim milk, m&ms, and oreo topping. I added a lot of candy.

Then I came back for lunch and ate two pieces of pizza and two full bowls of ice cream with candy toppings.

For dinner I had indian food, a bowl of icecream with a sliver of chocolate cake, a snack bag of cookies, and two mini candy bars.

When I’m in a binge it’s like I’m inside a cloud. My only thought is how to get whatever food I want to taste into my mouth. I watch myself eat and eat and eat from a distance, and even though I know not to, I feel no need to stop. In fact I don’t want to stop. I just want to keep the taste flowing into my body.

When I’m alone and in the cloud I feel numb. My head is lined with cotton and I can’t register what I’m doing to my body. When other people are around I feel overly happy from the extra energy I get from my binge.

It’s only when my stomach hurts later that I feel the dread and despair from the binge. And usually I never get to that place because I have the option of throwing up before my stomach starts hurting.

Today I made myself keep it all down. I hope it’ll teach me a lesson.