Friday, June 29, 2012


I’m not ready to leave treatment. My life isn’t changed. I didn’t learn any new skills. I didn’t have some big revelation that I really really wanted to cure my bulimia because of blank reason. I didn’t have a breakthrough regarding behaviors. In fact, my behaviors were still better before I left college. And as for a big breakthrough of motivation- it’s never been so low. My only goal right now is to lose weight without purging. I know that goal is not a healthy one, and I know that it could lead to more binging and purging, but I don’t care. I never wanted to gain weight. I think my idea of how to do that has changed, but not from this treatment. I will eat more now than I did during the school year, because I know that I can lose weight eating just a little bit more and that I won’t be hungry. But 2000 calories? HELL NO.
Basically, I don’t know if treatment really helped. It did in the short term, because it was a distraction from binging and purging (since it was impossible at treatment and I would have felt really rude doing that there anyway). Meeting other people with eating disorders helped too, although a couple times it actually made me feel worse about myself because these people were so incredibly nice and although I’m nice in my head, it doesn’t always come out that way. Also, they were dealing with illnesses that were much more serious than mine, or so I felt.
In an ideal world, the next step would be to see a therapist a few times a week. I say a few times because for me, once a week is agonizing and it doesn’t get anything done. I also intend to use my therapist as a crutch to talk about the eating disorder. I can’t talk about it with anyone else, because if I did, it would be ALL I talked about. Seeing a therapist once a week wouldn’t allow me to talk about all my thoughts with someone and get feedback.
But that’s what it’s going to be.
And so I will go back to feeling alone, sad, misunderstood, and hateful towards myself.
Here we go. 


  1. Hey Emily, I've just found your blog and just wanted to reach out. I also have bulimia/anorexia depending on the day, hour, minute
    I can identify with this post, treatment didn't help me that much, I came out just as bad if not worse. I want to want to get well if that makes sense. I do have hope but I can't imagine my life without my eating disorder, I don't know what would be left. Me I guess.
    Anyway I wish you luck with your recovery,

    Much love x

  2. Hey :) This sounds terrifying. I always preach on and on about how purging is so dangerous - i'm sure people get SO annoyed with me. But my theory on it is that I have no intention of giving up my ED and being fat, but if you take it to the extreme, like heavy or long term purging leading to a very low weight, you will eventually be forced to give it up. So, I agree that the purging should prolly not continue, but good luck. Recovery is hard, but I'm sure you have it under control. Xo

  3. Sounds like a difficult place you're in but take away the ED thought (wanting to lose weight/purge etc.) you know you need to see a therapist which means you have some idea of what you need in order to recover. I believe you can do it, you just need added support and a reminder you are worth saving because sometimes we can't see how brilliant we are and it takes another person to reinforce that. Keep fighting! xxx

  4. Thanks for your words of support, guys. It means a lot of have people reach out :)
    Ruby- One of my cons for getting well is that I won't feel interesting without bulimia, and I won't feel like I have an identity. I think I can understand how you feel, and I'm betting that neither of us has any way of combating this idea. I'm just praying that there's enough of a spark left in me to be a person without the disorder.
    Piggy- Thanks. Giving up purging is really hard because it's not only about giving up binging and throwing up but also restricting. (when I restrict I get really hungry which leads to a binge purge cycle) I've never wanted to be bulimic but I've always aspired to restrict in order to lose weight. I guess I'm making progress though.
    SharkGirl- Thanks for believing in me! I'm seeing a therapist tomorrow... we'll see how that goes.

  5. I want to comment on this post. But I don't know how to say what I want to say. This post touched with me a lot. I relate to so many things you say. I love the way you write, and I love reading your blog. Xx


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