I’m not ready to leave treatment. My life isn’t changed. I didn’t learn any new skills. I didn’t have some big revelation that I really really wanted to cure my bulimia because of blank reason. I didn’t have a breakthrough regarding behaviors. In fact, my behaviors were still better before I left college. And as for a big breakthrough of motivation- it’s never been so low. My only goal right now is to lose weight without purging. I know that goal is not a healthy one, and I know that it could lead to more binging and purging, but I don’t care. I never wanted to gain weight. I think my idea of how to do that has changed, but not from this treatment. I will eat more now than I did during the school year, because I know that I can lose weight eating just a little bit more and that I won’t be hungry. But 2000 calories? HELL NO.
Basically, I don’t know if treatment really helped. It did in the short term, because it was a distraction from binging and purging (since it was impossible at treatment and I would have felt really rude doing that there anyway). Meeting other people with eating disorders helped too, although a couple times it actually made me feel worse about myself because these people were so incredibly nice and although I’m nice in my head, it doesn’t always come out that way. Also, they were dealing with illnesses that were much more serious than mine, or so I felt.
In an ideal world, the next step would be to see a therapist a few times a week. I say a few times because for me, once a week is agonizing and it doesn’t get anything done. I also intend to use my therapist as a crutch to talk about the eating disorder. I can’t talk about it with anyone else, because if I did, it would be ALL I talked about. Seeing a therapist once a week wouldn’t allow me to talk about all my thoughts with someone and get feedback.
But that’s what it’s going to be.
And so I will go back to feeling alone, sad, misunderstood, and hateful towards myself.
Here we go.