Something I never understood is the idea that an eating
disorder could be another identity besides your own. In other words, I’m me,
and the eating disorder is another person that manifests itself in my body,
causing me to act certain ways, say certain things, etc. For me, that never
made sense. I am Emily, and I have an
eating disorder. It’s part of me. And when I do something bad because of the
eating disorder (like stealing food), that’s not someone else doing it. It’s
me. And even if I’m in on a hunger rampage and don’t feel like I can control
the things I do, I still do them, and I still pay the consequences. For me,
pretending that the eating disorder controls me is just an excuse for bad
behaviors I take part in. Alcoholics have to take responsibility for their
addictions. I have to take responsibility for mine.
Otherwise I’m just an enabler.
Hi Emily Anonymous, I hear you. Yes you are living with an eating disorder and at times you may be conscious and responsible for the choices you are making. And at times, you may not be conscious, you may not be present in your body and there are times that your body may be telling you to binge eat and purge. Some women can't help purging after they eat, their body tells them to--they receive a signal, called a sensation, and the brain responds with the directive to purge.
ReplyDeleteI've lived with bulimia for 26 years and no matter what I tried, nothing helped. I was exhausted and tired of people telling me I was choosing it, I wanted it, I was resistant to change and so forth. And the reality was, my body was in charge and once I figured out how to change those signals. well, my life has changed considerably. It's not perfect, and it is good enough for today.
I appreciate your sharing your experiences on this blog. I am new to all this so if I do or say something that seems really wrong, I'm sorry. I will learn.
I know what you mean. In my blog I talk about my other identity, but I don't mean it in terms of making excuses for myself. The way I see it, having an eating disorder changed the person I was, so me with an eating disorder is an entirely different person than me without it. It's still me doing everything, and still me who could change it. It's almost like having the person you are and the person you want to be both inside your head, and the one with bulimia wins. It's still me, just a different me. Putting a name to the other side of me just helps me explain my inner monologue. I sound insane, lolll. I don't know, it's hard to explain. But I know what you mean, it shouldn't be an excuse. Probably just different for everyone.
ReplyDeleteI never thought about it that way. It makes sense. For me, becoming the person I was before I became bulimic isn't desirable, because I was pretty unhappy. Or at least I wasn't more happy than I am now. So I guess differentiating would not be helpful in my case.
ReplyDeleteI've recently been diagnosed with adhd and bulimia...I feel like a guinea pig, no one seems to know what to do with me. they have suggested in patient care but I have so many other responsibilities. They also suggested I take next semesfter off, I know stopping school would make me hate myself even more... I'm scared confused and don't know what to do.
ReplyDelete