It happened yesterday. I was sitting down after running and my suitemate came up to me and started chatting. "You look thinner," she said.
I do? I look thinner? I've only lost 4 pounds in the past month and most of that was binge weight anyway.
When she said this to me my first reaction wasn't joy. Instead it was this mix of queasiness and guilt that formed a ball in the pit of my stomach. I don't believe I look thinner- in fact, I believe my stomach sticks out even more than it used to. So I felt guilty for somehow "tricking" her into thinking I'm skinnier. It's like I was tricking her into believing I'm a better person than I am. The queasiness came from surprise, probably.
But I did not feel good.
I don't think this has ever happened to me before. I wasn't called skinny until I lost a lot of weight, like 15 pounds, last time. And by that time I felt that I deserved it, even though I wanted to be even more skinny. Actually, I don't think I've ever been called skinny by someone who didn't have a bias towards me.
My family calls me thin sometimes, and back when I was restricting and overexercising they said it more than usual. My old boss said I was "too skinny" in a joking way- that I needed to eat meatballs to get more muscle. I didn't count him because he was just kidding. None of my friends called me skinny. None of them noticed that I had lost a lot of weight, probably because I made new friends after losing the weight.
My reaction does not bode well. It's making me want to lose more weight so that I can truly be skinnier and that way I won't be lying to my suitemate. I should feel good that people think I'm skinny.
How do you react when someone notices you've lost weight?