I don’t know how many others feel this way, but one of my biggest cons for recovery is that without the bulimia I will be uninteresting.
Part of this is my interest in myself. The #1 thing I think about by far is bulimia. My bulimia. How to recover. Why I binged. Why I purged. I can’t help it- it’s the most unique thing about me, so I focus on it the most. Without this, what will I think about? The rest of my life seems so bland in comparison.
The other part is my interestingness to others. This is the part that is illogical. None of my friends knew about my illness (and most still haven’t a clue) when we became friends. So clearly they must think I’m interesting without the disease, right?
Yes, and this is the main challenging point to my issue.
But the problem is that I feel like none of my friends find me interesting, with the exception of maybe 3. And I feel like I don’t have a lot of friends because I’m uninteresting. I know it’s weird to think that friends don’t find me interesting, but I’ll give an example.
Adam and I were close in high school (not dating!). At first I was one of few friends that he hung out with, and so we spent a lot of time together and he really enjoyed hanging out with me. Later, his mood greatly improved and he made a whole bunch of friends that weren’t in my crowd. I still like being around him and spending time with him, but he seems to have a lot more fun with his other friends than with me. We still call each other friends and every couple weeks we hang out with each other but I feel like he’s putting up a front- that he’s just doing it to be nice and to honor our friendship commitment that we made a couple years ago.
It’s not bad that friends drift apart sometimes, because of different interests and whatnot, but I feel as though all my friends have done that, which makes me think that it’s more to do with me that our interests.
Why do they reach out to others but not to me?
Why is it that when I reach out to them they blow me off or make excuses?
Why is it that people never think to invite me to things?
Why is it that I’m so awkward around people I want to impress?
Why is it that it’s so hard to make lasting friends?
My new therapist advised me that I have to believe that I’m worth other people’s time and that I’m interesting and then it will be easier to seem interesting to other people.
I agree with that, but I’m already as interesting as I’m going to get. If people don’t like me now, they never will. Believing I’m interesting instead of just acting like it won’t change anything, in my opinion.
Facing that truth is awful. I’d rather just huddle in a corner of my room and eat.