Well. As for my goals last week, I did not keep to either of them. The Binge purge goal didn’t hold for more than two days, which was a disappointment, but I can put that behind me now. My new goal is to not binge or purge while on vacation. It will probably be fine while I’m with my boyfriend, since I don’t feel like he’s judging what I eat all the time. I can eat so much less when I’m around him, which means I don’t feel the compulsions to binge or purge. Also, since none of the food in this house is mine, I’m less inclined to take it. That didn’t stop me from taking my roommate’s food earlier in the year, but it was a while after I started fantasizing about the candy bags under her bed before I actually acted on those wants and took some. I think I can hold out the rest of the week.
The harder part of this goal comes when I leave my boyfriend and continue the rest of the trip with my family. My boyfriend's family doesn’t care about food. They have no unspoken passion for it; it’s just a necessity. With my family I feel like there’s a food aura around them, which makes me anxious. My parents are both overweight and they absolutely love good food, which means that we’ll be eating out all the time, and I’ll have to watch them scarf down delicious-looking cheesy pastas and delectable pizzas while I either pick at the slim but healthier portions on my plate or chow down in a brittle salad. Eating out is a trigger for throwing up, and I don’t want that to happen.
My non-b/p goal for last week was to record negative thoughts. I did that for most of the week, but stopped during the latter part. It didn't really make me feel much better, but I did notice the sheer quantity of negative thoughts about myself. It's a lot. And that made me feel even more guilty because that's time I spend thinking about myself when I should be focusing on the needs of others. Anyway, my non binge-purge goal for this week is to have a good attitude about vacation. The part with my boyfriend is easy. The part with my family is hard. I figure if I don’t give up on myself before anything happens something is less likely to happen.
Things that challenged my beliefs:
1. BF still loves me, even after my recent weight gains. Clearly, gaining weight is not the worst thing that can happen to me.
2. When asked to make a list of some of my traits, I listed a lot of positive things, and most of them had nothing to do with weight or bulimia. This challenges the Bulimia is my Identity con.