Yesterday I vomited up blood. It really scared me, because I know all about the dangers of purging: the stomach ruptures, esophagus tears, blah blah blah. I never expected that I would have to suffer any of it.
What I think really happened yesterday is that my nail scratched the back of my throat and it bled a little. At least it wasn’t a stomach rupture, because I had no abdominal pain and obviously I didn’t die.
The trigger for purging today was going out to a restaurant. Really it was because I tried to follow my meal plan rather than the lesser amount of calories I have prescribed for myself. I got a drink other than water, and ate a little bit of the appetizer than my family ordered, and that combined with my side of veggies and 1/3 of the portion of meat I got was too much. I felt like I was expanding at the table, and I couldn’t do anything about it. I decided that I would try to wait it out and to not purge, but when I got home I was almost in tears because I was sure that I was getting fat and that I would never be able to stop binging. So I tried to empty some of the fullness out of me. It sort of worked, but after I purged I felt so awful that I ate more food. Not enough more to make me vomit again, thankfully.
The blood scared me, that’s for sure. I’m going to try to use it as a motivator to keep my food down.