Yesterday I vomited up blood. It
really scared me, because I know all about the dangers of purging: the stomach
ruptures, esophagus tears, blah blah blah. I never expected that I would have
to suffer any of it.
What I think really happened
yesterday is that my nail scratched the back of my throat and it bled a little.
At least it wasn’t a stomach rupture, because I had no abdominal pain and obviously
I didn’t die.
The trigger for purging today was
going out to a restaurant. Really it was because I tried to follow my meal plan
rather than the lesser amount of calories I have prescribed for myself. I got a
drink other than water, and ate a little bit of the appetizer than my family
ordered, and that combined with my side of veggies and 1/3 of the portion of
meat I got was too much. I felt like I was expanding at the table, and I
couldn’t do anything about it. I decided that I would try to wait it out and to
not purge, but when I got home I was almost in tears because I was sure that I
was getting fat and that I would never be able to stop binging. So I tried to
empty some of the fullness out of me. It sort of worked, but after I purged I
felt so awful that I ate more food. Not enough more to make me vomit again,
thankfully.
The blood scared me, that’s for
sure. I’m going to try to use it as a motivator to keep my food down.
Shit kid, that's quite hectic. Although it is a good plan. :) I'm sure you can do it. :) Xo
ReplyDeleteThanks!
DeleteAhhh... oh my god, oh my god. I really wish you wouldn't purge. And yes, I know how stupid that sounds coming from someone with an ED as well.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds so damn painful and I wish you didn't have to feel like you had to resort to that, is what I think I meant to say.
I've only done it a handful of times in my life and... in my opinion, eating little to nothing wins hands down. I hope you can keep the food down :)
I will definitely be catching up on your blog when I get the chance!
yeah, I wish I wouldn't purge as well. And if I could stop myself from binging then I would probably be eating very little instead, but it just doesn't work like that for me. Thanks for the encouragement!
DeleteThat sounds like a scary experience. Did you ever try Cognitive Behavior Therapy? There is a remarkable book that i work with and i found it extremely helpful and so did many of my bulimic patients! it is called "overcoming Binge Eating" (by Dr. Fairburn)and if you will be able to read this book while at the same time being in therapy (preferably with someone who has a specialty in eating disorders..) and maybe seeing a nutritionist, you will have an easier time recovering from your bulimia. Did you ever try to identify the thoughts and feelings that lead you to binge/purge? My thoughts are with you…☺
ReplyDeleteI did get a little bit of CBT in treatment, but I'm done with that for the summer. During treatment it didn't work too well because simply because I can't seem to translate recognizing illogical thoughts into changing my behavior. It also doesn't help that some of the illogical thoughts seem completely rational to me and I can back them up. My therapist and I are doing things in the realm of CBT, but it's not exactly that. I'm also hoping to be in a CBT study, but that won't start for a while.
DeleteThanks for the book recommendation! I'll be sure to check it out.