Automatic Thoughts 3/4

Yesterday was horrible. I binged and purged six times in total, and there was no reason for it. I wasn't under any stress, so why did I do it?
I came up with one emotion: boredom.

Situation- home alone, bored.
Ate: tons and tons of pie crust that I made in order to binge on it. And pie. And milk and cookies.
Thoughts: I should make some pie crust so I can eat it. My mom's not here so I can probably get rid of all the evidence before she gets back. Go do it while you still can. 

And then later:
Situation: I'd already been binging and purging the entire day. 
Ate: tons of food.
Thoughts: Might as well do it, this day's already wasted.

Today was the same thing as situation number two. 

These have been my worst days so far this month, and it comes from boredom and habit. Why can't I stop it? I hate living here. I want my own apartment so I can buy vegetables and not have any dessert in the house. 

Goals of the Week 47

My goal for last week was to keep my calories under 2000 as many days as possible. That didn't happen, but I managed not to binge for 4 days. It's just that my job keeps me active so I ate over 2000 calories. This week my goal will be 5 days without. Hopefully all in a row so I can finally see some results on the scale. 

My non b/p goal was to make mini goals. And I did that for most of the week. But I missed a couple days because I waited to make the goals until 1 AM, and then I was too tired. So my goal for this week is to make the goals by 10 PM. That way they'll be sure to get done. 

What are your goals? 

Automatic Thoughts Day 2/ 200th Post

Today is my 200th post! 
I wanted to let everyone who reads this know how much I appreciate you reading. It means a lot to me. The comments especially, because they're always so supportive and honest and I love hearing what other people think about things. I have responses to every single comment that's ever been posted, it's just that usually I respond in my head and then forget to write it down. So just a shout out that I love all your blogs, all of you, and I love that you take some time to read my thoughts once in a while. :)

Continuing with my automatic thoughts, here is what I came up with: 

Situation: I was working on getting people up and once again I was late.

Urge: 0

Stress: 8

Ate: nothing

Thoughts: Why couldn’t she have come four minutes later? It would have taken me just four minutes and I would have been on time for ONCE. I’m so not cut out for this. Penny probably hates me. She’s talking about me right now. Telling the other nurse that I’m not a nursing student. Complaining about me because I’m so slow. I feel horrible because Penny has to do all the work and I’m just useless. She probably hates it whenever she has to work with me. I’m not even good company for her to work with. Calm down, it’s just because the nurse was late putting up our schedule. It’s not fair. I would have been on time if the schedule hadn’t been late. I hate this.

Situation: Home, tired, foggy, I know my family is about to leave for a party and I want them to go so I can eat alone.

Urge: 5

Stress: 6

Ate: handfuls of raisins

Thoughts: Can’t they just go away? I wish I could just tell them to get the fuck away. I want to be alone. I just want to eat dinner. Why can’t people in this house ever be quiet? 

Automatic Thoughts Day 1

This week my therapist told me to record thoughts I had when I was feeling stressed or had an urge to eat. I'm going to use this blog to write down everything every day for a week, and then I will print out the pages to show her. Feel free to join me if you wish in the comments or wherever. 
Even though I didn't get to write down my thoughts until a while after the events occurred, it still felt like a big relief to get everything out of my system. 
Today was pretty much a success, so there's nothing in the way of intrigue below.

Situation: At work, I was called in for a new shift because they wanted extra people to help out with a picnic. The picnic was for residents and their families, so there were lots and lots of people there. Other workers were laughing, having a good time with the residents and families, and each other. I don’t like crowds and I don’t feel like I know my coworkers well enough to interrupt their conversations. I feel awkward talking to the families. I always feel like I should be doing something.

Urge: 0

Emotion: Stress (8)

Ate: nothing

I just need to calm down. This is just not a situation that I’m comfortable with. Too many people. I don’t know what to do. It’s not my fault. Just take the time to walk around here and calm down. There are just so many people and I feel so stupid because I don’t know what to do. I’m just going to pretend that I am being useful by walking around like I’m doing something. People are thinking that I’m invading. They see that I’m just blundering around, not doing anything. What am I supposed to be doing? I am so out of my depth. So overwhelmed. I feel so stupid. I hate myself. I just need to calm down. Other people don’t like me. They say I’m too quiet when I’m trying to be friendly. I’m just not cut out for this. The families see right through me. They think I’m not nice to the residents. They think I’m weird. The people I work with think I’m weird. What do I do?? 

Situation: I was printing a loooong document: 80 pages. And I screwed up 20 of those pages because of a stupid mistake. It is late at night and I am tired.

Emotion: Frustration (5)

Urge: 3

Ate: two wheat thin flatbreads

I’m so mad at myself and the computer. I can’t believe I printed everything wrong and now I have to take time to do it again and I wasn’t planning on it. So much effort that I shouldn’t have to go to. I hate this. I hate this. So annoying!

Therapy Session 4: Sometimes I am Good Enough

Today I got to complain about my job. It made me feel a lot better getting everything off my chest, all about my inadequacies and how I feel like I'm not good enough and should be fired. Sometimes talking and having someone reassure you is enough. 

But today was mostly about my supposed core belief: I am not good enough.
I came up with that line when she asked me what my core belief was. Is there any such thing as just one core belief? Everything I am does not fall back to the phrase "I am not good enough." I'm sure not all my stress results from thinking this. It's too simple. Nevertheless, it's a thought that I believe and it would be nice to change that. 
I'm not good enough at my job. I'm not fast enough.
I'm not a good enough girlfriend because my bf got mad at me a few times over the course of the year and a half we've been dating.
I'm not good enough at programming to get a job doing it.
I'm not good enough at recovery to recover.
I'm not good enough appearance-wise to attract lots and lots of men.
I'm not good enough personality-wise to attract lots and lots of friends. 
I'm not smart enough to earn tons of scholarships.

There's more, I just can't think of it right now. 
Anyway, the idea of the session was to chance this thought, the "I am not good enough" into "Sometimes I am good enough."
I'd never thought of phrasing it that way before. Because I do believe it. Sometimes what I do is enough. For example, I get up by myself every morning at 6 to go to work. 
And putting the thought in a more positive way makes it sound a lot better. It makes ME sound a lot better. 
I am good enough to get into orchestra. 
I am good enough (appearance) to get a boyfriend.
I am good enough to have a few friends.
I am good enough to get As and Bs in all my classes.
I am good enough to write at least one outstanding story. 
I am good enough to stop my binges and purges sometimes. 

Still sounds pathetic, but it's better than the first way. 

Lean on Me

Telling people the truth. It's the hardest thing to do for someone with an ED. 
"I'll be judged."
"People will think I'm disgusting."
"They won't like me that way anymore."
"They'll think I'm selfish."
"They'll know I'm not perfect."

But it seems to me that the best chance of recovery comes when the most people know about your illness and can fight it with you. 
I have been putting off telling people about my bulimia for so long because I'm afraid of the consequences. I'll probably still put it off even longer but I know it has to be done. I'll make baby steps. 
So I made a list of people that I can tell. 

1. My friend E
2. My friend C
3. Mom
4. Dad
5. My cousin

I've already told my boyfriend, so that's one out of the way. Phew. And I told my parents last year that I had an ED, but they think I'm all better now, and it's not like they really cared last year. My friends that I want to tell are both guys, and they're both really supportive and understanding. I know that they'd support me and help me, but I can't bear the thought of them knowing. 
What would happen if I told these people?
Well, E would probably be disgusted but still agree to help me, or he'd understand because he's gone through some hardships with depression and knows about mental illness.
C would probably not be surprised, and he would take the news lightly, just because he wouldn't know what to do with it. It's his nature to be funny and happy no matter what. He might not understand the gravity of the situation.
My cousin... I have no idea. I've grown more distant from her throughout the years. She probably wouldn't know what to say and then I'd just feel uncomfortable around her.
My parents... well. I don't know. My mom would be crushed and worried sick. My dad would probably also be worried sick and a bit annoyed that I have to have the illness. They might walk on eggshells around food with me. They would feel guilty. Mom would always try to make me eat MORE because she knows nothing about bulimia. Ugh. 

Are you considering telling anyone? Who?
If you were me and had to pick one person to tell, who would it be? 

Goals of the week 46

I have not been doing well. I didn't post last week because I had absolutely no motivation to do anything. I didn't write any mini goals, I didn't do any work for therapy, I didn't exercise, nothing. 
And yesterday I weighed myself and found out I've gained 10 pounds in the month I've been home. Not happy. So I have to pull through and that means trying to post more and keep myself on track. I'll get to commenting on everyone's blogs, but writing this is as much as I can bring myself to do right now.
My b/p goal for this week will be to stay under 2000 calories as many days as I can. All 7, hopefully. And that will bring my weight back down to something a little more reasonable. 
My non b/p goal is actually 2 goals: make mini goals every day and to write/blog all the things that are spinning in my head. I've had a lot of ideas for posts that I want to write or things that my therapy sessions have made me think about, but they've just been congealing in a dull gray mass in my brain. 

I hope your weeks have been going well!
What are your goals? Did you complete the ones you had last week/2 weeks ago?