Friday, June 14, 2013

Automatic Thoughts Day 1

This week my therapist told me to record thoughts I had when I was feeling stressed or had an urge to eat. I'm going to use this blog to write down everything every day for a week, and then I will print out the pages to show her. Feel free to join me if you wish in the comments or wherever. 
Even though I didn't get to write down my thoughts until a while after the events occurred, it still felt like a big relief to get everything out of my system. 
Today was pretty much a success, so there's nothing in the way of intrigue below.

Situation: At work, I was called in for a new shift because they wanted extra people to help out with a picnic. The picnic was for residents and their families, so there were lots and lots of people there. Other workers were laughing, having a good time with the residents and families, and each other. I don’t like crowds and I don’t feel like I know my coworkers well enough to interrupt their conversations. I feel awkward talking to the families. I always feel like I should be doing something.
Urge: 0
Emotion: Stress (8)
Ate: nothing
I just need to calm down. This is just not a situation that I’m comfortable with. Too many people. I don’t know what to do. It’s not my fault. Just take the time to walk around here and calm down. There are just so many people and I feel so stupid because I don’t know what to do. I’m just going to pretend that I am being useful by walking around like I’m doing something. People are thinking that I’m invading. They see that I’m just blundering around, not doing anything. What am I supposed to be doing? I am so out of my depth. So overwhelmed. I feel so stupid. I hate myself. I just need to calm down. Other people don’t like me. They say I’m too quiet when I’m trying to be friendly. I’m just not cut out for this. The families see right through me. They think I’m not nice to the residents. They think I’m weird. The people I work with think I’m weird. What do I do?? 

Situation: I was printing a loooong document: 80 pages. And I screwed up 20 of those pages because of a stupid mistake. It is late at night and I am tired.
Emotion: Frustration (5)
Urge: 3
Ate: two wheat thin flatbreads
I’m so mad at myself and the computer. I can’t believe I printed everything wrong and now I have to take time to do it again and I wasn’t planning on it. So much effort that I shouldn’t have to go to. I hate this. I hate this. So annoying!


  1. oh oh oh i noticed a pattern because i always tell the same person the same things whenever i feel like im in one of my depression episodes
    it is so...amazing because at some point i feel like im always saying the same thing all the time in my head and its just like...a ritual? a fallacy? that i believe in
    doesnt change the fallacy but at least i know its there - set in stone sort of thing.
    i loathe listening to your thoughts but i could've already guessed them :( aw
    fuck that last one though. wow. i would just start crying my eyes out fuckkkk when that kind of shit happens!!
    :( awwwww *hugs Emily* i love you

    -Sam Lupin

  2. Writing everything down in such a neat and orderly way (love that) seems like an awesome way of just seeing what makes you tick. Some could even do it for self-harm or restricting or over drinking. Whatever your go-to release method is, this is a great way to see what made you leap for the blade, bottle, or fridge.
    I hope it helps! :) <3


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