Yesterday was horrible. I binged and purged six times in total, and there was no reason for it. I wasn't under any stress, so why did I do it?
I came up with one emotion: boredom.
Situation- home alone, bored.
Ate: tons and tons of pie crust that I made in order to binge on it. And pie. And milk and cookies.
Thoughts: I should make some pie crust so I can eat it. My mom's not here so I can probably get rid of all the evidence before she gets back. Go do it while you still can.
And then later:
Situation: I'd already been binging and purging the entire day.
Ate: tons of food.
Thoughts: Might as well do it, this day's already wasted.
Today was the same thing as situation number two.
These have been my worst days so far this month, and it comes from boredom and habit. Why can't I stop it? I hate living here. I want my own apartment so I can buy vegetables and not have any dessert in the house.
boredom can really do shit with you really.
ReplyDeletemaybe on days that you are bored you can ring up someone or just go somewhere - like just head off and drive off somewhere to a theatre and do something just to keep yourself from getting bored.
and omg that whole 'might as well do it. this day's already wasted.' i have huge conflicts with this thought process because no! just because x happened does not mean that y should keep on happening and this is something that i myself am trying to break (unsuccessfully might i add).
in response to your comment on my post, in all honesty, i already see huge differences between you and Ellie.
the thing about Ellie that pisses me off quite a bit is that she deflects the situation at hand. like i can be in full depression mood swing episode where i just am THIS close to cutting myself and if i say one sentence about myself, she deflects it very quickly so when she tells me she cares, i just cannot seem to get it. at least with you, i think if i just sit down and talk to you about how i feel, you would listen in all honesty. you would not deflect the situation back to yourself.
however, i do guess im not one to judge considering that with the depression, i just seem to think that nobody cares regardless of what they do say or try to remind me of. it seems very possible that nobody cares and that if i die today, nobody would care.
i myself do talk quite a bit about myself with loads of people, but the thing is i don't think this is necessarily a bad thing as long as you do not deflefct the person from when they are trying to talk to you. sometimes, they don't have something to say (i should know. in one of my depression episodes, i just decided to talk to people only about their problems because i felt so guilty for talking about my own - and oh, they literally had nothing to say for about 90% of the day.)
yes. the whole "my" bulimia thing i do get, but when a restrictor that i personally know gets into purging then i just feel like they are taking over my territory. i guess it's very situation dependent.
-Sam Lupin
This really makes one think..
ReplyDeleteI think boredom is one of the main reasons why I overeat too.. The fact that when I am alone I am able to get away with it is something I keep doing..
The other is emotional eating..
The second one I have done ever since I was a kid.. I really don't know any other way... I should focus on learning to deal with my emotions without envolving food..