I keep waiting for someone to
leave a comment saying I’m too smart-ass, I’m too high-and-mighty, I’m too
anything. If someone did, I would look at it with the corners of my mouth
turned down and think to myself “they’re right. I’d better shape up.” And then
proceed to apologize to that person and get really self-deprecating on my blog.
Whatever you can call me, I’ve heard it before from myself. I’ve considered
every single bad personality trait in the history of personality and if I have
even a sliver of it I prepare myself for the possibility of someone calling me
out on it, hating me for it, judging me for it.
“You’re fat.”
“Tell me something I don’t know.”
“You’re mean.”
“I think so too.”
“You’re a horrible person.”
“Yes.”
“You’re a thief. And a bad
friend.”
“And a horrible person as well
for not changing it. You forgot that.”
“You’re stupid.”
“You’re right.”
Something I’ve been working on
for the past few months is to not feel sorry for who I am. And to not feel like
I have every single bad personality trait on the face of the earth. It’s hard,
because there’s really no way you can know for sure. Other people can’t always
tell you you are or aren’t something because they don’t know what goes on
inside your head.
My biggest success has been
taking ownership of my opinions. I still try not to insult people, but now if I
think a certain way then I tell myself “it’s ok to think this. No one will
crucify you for thinking this.” And then I can say or write my opinion without
feeling bad.
If someone were to call me out on
them I could defend them too, instead of relenting and changing my opinion. It’s
a good feeling. I feel like I have more of an identity. And strangely enough,
it’s allowed me to become less vulnerable to other people’s opinions, because
now I don’t feel like I have to conform or be perfect. I also understand how
someone could think something negative about something I do and still like me
as a person (because I do it!).
If you feel like you have to try
to conform to others’ ways of thinking in order for them to overlook your “awful”
personality traits, I suggest trying this. Type out a strong opinion and post
it. Or tell a friend.
Does anyone else feel this way?
Can you say what you mean to people without fear?
I am notorious for being honest and very blunt with my honesty. I'm also known for having a direct line from brain to mouth. I think it doesn't occur to me until later that maybe it sounded rude but wasn't meant that way. For the most part you can tell (as I've been told) that I don't come off as malicious or purposely rude so that makes me feel better. Ive worked on HOW I say things and I adapt to each person vs scalping honesty.I try not to reply things I say and feel embarrassed for it. Sometimes I think about what was said and realized maybe I looked stupid or something but I'm trying to not regret my strongly.opinionated nature.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard not to listen to your own lies.
I am just like Eve.
ReplyDeleteWow, I can totally relate to this post Emily. I feel this incessant need to constantly prepare myself for the worst. (inevitably creating a self-fullfilling prophecy but thats another tale)
ReplyDeleteWhen I get dressed in the morning, I wonder about the places I'll go, the people I could potentially run into and what they would say about me. Adjust attitude and outfit accordingly. Think of safe conversation topics and interesting points, just in case.
Mentally go over and over difficult conversations to prepare rebuttles and come to term with my own faults and flaws before having them pointed out in front of me.
If they say the first cut is the deepest, then I'll cut myself once for every possible scenario hoping it will sting less the second time on the chance someone close to me that I love will hurt me. It's all because I don't trust anyone, I don't feel safe so this is my armour.
I'll also build myself up in private. I know certain things about me are just plain untrue or wrong, but it takes another person to say those kind things to me first, before I can believe them about myself. How backwards...
You're not alone here.
love always
xoxo
Hmm... I recognize my bad personality traits so when someone close to me points one out I feel like I'm getting beaten on too badly because I'm already killing myself on the inside for those imperfections, I don't need their punishments too.
ReplyDeleteI do worse to me than they ever could. It's a shield that is killing me because half of the time they don't even realize the bad things about me. But I assume they do. So I beat on myself inside and out to punish myself so they don't have to. So they won't.
Anyway. Much love darling <3
-Emma
One of my regular sayings is "oh no, I am having that problem again where my thoughts come out of my mouth."
ReplyDeleteI know that I can be a smartass, loud mouth, mean, vindictive, petty, know it all. I also know that I am not that way all the time and that sometimes I will react poorly but that doesn't make me a a bad person, only human. And sometimes life calls for blunt honesty and sometimes you need to use a more gentle approach to deminstrate you opinion. I am a work in progress just like us all.
But after saying all that I will agree that I have called myself all the horrible things anyone could ever say to me but when someone else says it about me it still hurts.
I'm really bad when it comes to criticism, but I should consider taking your advise! If I prepare myself for the worst maybe i wont feel bad : )
ReplyDeleteThank you!!
you should be able to say your opinions without fear
ReplyDeleteyou feel them for a reason and you feel them strongly for another. it's something close to you. it shapes you. we all have wrong and right opinions. you need an identity, because it's okay to be wrong and it's okay to be opininated. it's what makes you special and all. if they think you're high and mighty or too of anything, it's simply their perception of you - it's not what you truly are. people's perception of you only matter in your life if you make them matter is the way i see it.
-Sam Lupin