I keep waiting for someone to leave a comment saying I’m too smart-ass, I’m too high-and-mighty, I’m too anything. If someone did, I would look at it with the corners of my mouth turned down and think to myself “they’re right. I’d better shape up.” And then proceed to apologize to that person and get really self-deprecating on my blog. Whatever you can call me, I’ve heard it before from myself. I’ve considered every single bad personality trait in the history of personality and if I have even a sliver of it I prepare myself for the possibility of someone calling me out on it, hating me for it, judging me for it.
“Tell me something I don’t know.”
“I think so too.”
“You’re a horrible person.”
“You’re a thief. And a bad friend.”
“And a horrible person as well for not changing it. You forgot that.”
Something I’ve been working on for the past few months is to not feel sorry for who I am. And to not feel like I have every single bad personality trait on the face of the earth. It’s hard, because there’s really no way you can know for sure. Other people can’t always tell you you are or aren’t something because they don’t know what goes on inside your head.
My biggest success has been taking ownership of my opinions. I still try not to insult people, but now if I think a certain way then I tell myself “it’s ok to think this. No one will crucify you for thinking this.” And then I can say or write my opinion without feeling bad.
If someone were to call me out on them I could defend them too, instead of relenting and changing my opinion. It’s a good feeling. I feel like I have more of an identity. And strangely enough, it’s allowed me to become less vulnerable to other people’s opinions, because now I don’t feel like I have to conform or be perfect. I also understand how someone could think something negative about something I do and still like me as a person (because I do it!).
If you feel like you have to try to conform to others’ ways of thinking in order for them to overlook your “awful” personality traits, I suggest trying this. Type out a strong opinion and post it. Or tell a friend.
Does anyone else feel this way? Can you say what you mean to people without fear?