I’m going to pretend like I have time to be writing this post.
School is almost over and it’s killing me. I don’t have time to worry or study. I don’t have time to work on projects. I don’t have time for anything because I have to do everything in two weeks of time. I have to pack, study, do well on finals, finish a project, and turn in papers. Today is Monday and I need it to be Friday. I mean LAST Friday so that I have more time to get everything finished.
I’m a fast learner. In elementary school I never tried hard at schoolwork because I didn’t have to, it just came naturally. In middle school it was the same deal. Never studied for tests. In high school I studied but usually for an hour or two, not like some of my other friends who worked their butts off to get an A in AP chemistry (why anyone would take that class I’ll never know). Freshman year of college I never studied either. My classes were easy because I’m in an easy major. Psychology is a joke major, let’s be honest. There's nothing wrong with having it as a major or taking it seriously, but there’s a reason everyone is doing it.
Just the major won't cut it to get into the field. I have to put myself above the rest. I have to distinguish myself from the pack so that I will be considered for other opportunities. And everyone else is getting distinguished too, so I have to push myself even further. What I’m doing isn’t enough. I have three research experiences and it won’t count for anything to grad schools. I need an honors degree. I need publications. I need poster sessions. I need grants to fund summer research of my own doing. Crap.
You know what's funny, too? Yesterday I commented on a blog that hard work will be rewarded in time. And I really believe that, just not for myself. So that guy in my class with no research experience who sits around all day watching spongebob? Yep, he'll go to grad school if he wants to. But I won't.
I decided as a backup plan I would major in computer science. I took my first college math course last semester and this semester I am in two math courses and an intro to java class.
It’s the most frustrating, rewarding thing I’ve ever done. I go from hating the courses to loving them, and it all depends on whether or not I can figure out the answer or get the code to work. I started studying two weeks in advance for the first test in one math course and I still got a C. I don’t get Cs! I don’t know if I should give up or not. I have a good grade in the class but I constantly feel like I’m struggling to understand the material. I’m up until 1 AM fixing code and it still doesn’t work properly. I have never skipped a computer science class, never missed a single homework assignment. And I still feel like I’m behind everyone else. I get tutors to help me with my homework. I ask questions. Work with my friends. Ask for help from my relatives because they do it for a living. I am doing the damned work and I want to be learning the material as fast as I need to. Maybe I’m just not cut out for computer science. Maybe I’m not smart enough. Maybe my brain doesn’t think in the right way.
I still have As in all my classes though, so how does that make sense? Probably because I’m getting easy points for turning in things and those little assignments add up.
Do you feel like what you're doing isn't good enough to get you anywhere?