One of the best realizations I had this summer was that my ED is not about weight at all. It might be about shape and image, but I really don't care about weight at all. It's such a weird realization to have after you've spent years looking at a number on the scale and forcing yourself to throw up because of it. But I wasn't really throwing up because of my weight, I was throwing up because of other things and I convinced myself it was because of my weight.
I haven't looked at a scale in two weeks. The reason is simple: there are no scales here at college for me to hop on. But freshman year I went out and bought one, and this year I have no urge to.
So although I feel bigger than I want to be, I don't know my weight. And I really don't care.
It's such a relief to not have to worry about gains from one day to the next. Yesterday I binged and purged, and normally I would have gotten on the scale with trepidation thinking "crap, I'm gonna be 5 pound heavier today." But now I don't have to know if I got heavier or not. And without knowing for sure, there's a chance that I didn't get heavier.
It's just great to not focus on weight so much. Now if I could only stop focusing on shape and image...