Nothing but Mammals

Today I went to the zoo with one of my friends. The event was "date party" but not everyone brings actual dates. 
We weren't signed up for a group, so we joined one with my lovely friend Chris (male) in it. 
Chris and I have a long horrible history of hating each other and acting awful. Currently we're something like friends with benefits, and we have an agreement where he does nothing with girls unless I ok it and I do nothing with guys unless he oks it. 
At the zoo, his friend who invited him was pretty flirty. I didn't care until I noticed that HE was the one initiating everything, including holding her hand (interlocking fingers, guys) and walking with arms around each other. 
In my book, that's making a move, and I was mad about that for a couple reasons. 
1. I did not say it was ok, and he was doing it RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.
2. He used to do that to me when we were dating. This either means that he wants to date this girl, or that what he did with me didn't mean anything. The latter makes me feel worse.

I feel betrayed. I just want to cry and lie in my bed and not talk to him.  

Freerice

Here's my social work plug of the week:
go to freerice.com and play for a bit. 
The website donates ten grains of rice for every correct answer, which goes towards feeding starving people somewhere in the world.
The way it works is that the advertisements generate revenue somehow, so you are actually helping by clicking on answers to vocabulary questions. 

Goals of the Week

My goal last week was to exercise every day except Wednesday and Friday. 
And guess what, I did it! All of it, not just most days. 
I'm going to keep that goal, and add on to it not to eat unless I'm hungry. I'm hoping I'll be able to do the last part every day, but if I do it 4/7 days of the week that's fine with me. 

What are your goals? 
How'd you do on last week's?

Here's a fun little song I discovered this week:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4TV_128Fz2g

Media and Eating Disorders

Recently I gave a presentation about a media article I found online about Eating Disorders. The presentation was supposed to be short and sweet, so I didn't go into too much detail. One of my slides talked about recommendations for social workers, and I put "refocus society" as my top bullet point. In my speech I explained this as having the media focus less on the slimming down of bodies. 
Boy was I reamed out for that. I'm sure I wasn't actually reamed out, it just felt that way because I was on the spot. But my classmates launched into this whole discussion about how eating disorders are not caused by the media, and I went back to my seat embarrassed. 

Personally, I do not think the media cause eating disorders (majority of the time). I also don't think parents cause eating disorders (majority of the time). However, I do think that the media influences eating disorders. 
For example, there was a study done in a remote country that had no access to television. When TV was introduced, girls started wanting to become thinner. 
Clearly, television's portrayal of what is sexy influences girls to have a "get thinner" mindset. This can feed into low self esteem which in turn feeds into eating disorder behaviors. 
I also think a lot of times EDs start out as diets. Girls see people in magazines and television and look at people around them, and they want to lose weight so they eat less. And then somewhere soon along the way the eating disorder rears its head and takes over. 
One of my classmates talked about how most people with eating disorders he knows have them as a way to keep control of their lives. Yeah, of course. Eating disorders aren't about food or weight issues at the core, but those things surround them. If everyone on TV was obese and that was portrayed as sexy I bet we'd have a lot more cases of binge eating disorder. Because eating disorders are a lot of times about keeping control, but you want to control your body to perfection, and skinny is what perfection is right now. 
Even if the eating disorder isn't about perfection the media has a hand in its development. For example, a lot of times I binge because I'm emotional. Anxious, nervous, angry. If I didn't believe that skinny was good and fat was bad, I would probably be less likely to purge. I would also be less likely to get emotional over the fact that I'm becoming fat, leading to less bingeing. 
Why is skinny good and fat bad? Because everything tells me so. 

An example of how media can shape our beliefs about body types:
When I was younger, before I talked to any boys, I believed that the skinnier you were the more attractive you were. No matter what. I don't know why exactly, but I didn't have models of guys liking girls except for movies and TV shows I watched. 
When started dating and found out that guys actually don't like super-skinny girls more than normal-sized girls, it was a revelation to me.

I feel like I'm still talking out of my ass, but at least I got a better chance to defend myself against my own stupidity. 
What do you think?

Goals of the Week 6

Last week my goal was to not eat in my room. 
I mostly did that. And there was definitely less stuffing of my face going on because of it. 
However, I did have a few bad days. 
For instance, on Friday, I ate dinner, then I ate dinner again at Hillel, and then I ate again when I drank after dancing. Of course, purging in between. 
My suitemate gave me such a look on Saturday morning when she discovered that all four of my friends had slept over (in my bed too, since it's pretty big. Such a weird experience). 
This week my goal will be to exercise every day according to my goal. Not Wednesday or Friday since I have field education, but I'm alternating between weights and running for 30 minutes. Today is weights, and I didn't do it this morning because I was lazy. There are still 6 hours left in the day though. 
What are your goals?

Grad School vs Undergrad

This year is my first year of grad school! Yaaay! 
And I've noticed several differences in the way I think and the way I live that I think would be useful to someone considering grad school.
I'm going to get my master's in social work, by the way. 

1. Grad school classes are all papers. In undergrad it was mostly rote learning, here you have to discuss discuss discuss
2. classes are 2-3 hours long. And once a week
3. You can't live on campus. You're on your own. 
4. Experience is a must. Meaning they make sure you get experience. It's just as important as the class work, which is way different than undergrad thinking. 
5. Every class is what you'll face in life. 
6. You get to go around knowing you're in grad school and feeling self-important.
7. Readings will kill you. You will drown in readings. No more life for you.

What are your experiences with school? 

Also, responding to a comment on a recent post: Yes, anyone can use anything from this blog! It's public, and I'm anonymous, so I don't care who sees it or if you steal something from it. The point of this blog is to help myself and be a resource if anything I learn helps anyone else. 

Another comment: #7 on my list is very true. Thus, I'm way behind on reading people's blogs and I might be behind for a while. I'll do it when I can but school comes first. 

Goals of the Week 5

So last week I achieved my goal about 4 days of the week. I had one horrible horrible day where I threw up about 7 times and bought about 20 dollars worth of food. I don't even know why. But that day is over and I'm working on recovery. 
This week my goal will be to not eat in my room. I have a feeling that will cut my eating by a lot...
Also, apparently more threesomes/foursomes are happening. It's very distracting. I should be writing papers, not thinking about places to have kinky sex. 

What are your goals for the week? How did you do on last week's goal

Money

Eating disorders are EXPENSIVE. If you binge and purge you have to go out and buy food (unless you steal it, but thankfully I haven’t done that yet). You have to buy makeup because every time you purge yours gets messed up. You have to buy scales. You have to buy the more expensive safe foods.

When I get a craving for chocolate, it can’t be hershey’s bars. Well, it could, but I would just end up buying the more expensive stuff as well because I HAVE to have it. It’s not a question of wanting, it’s a question of absolutely needing it to survive. I can’t do anything unless I have that chocolate. Unless I eat ten pastries in a row. And if I try to binge on Hershey bars when I want pastries I binge on Hershey bars and the craving is still there.

Yet another reason to get rid of the eating disorder.

Any other expenses I've missed?
update: Spent $4 on food today. One day down, six more to go! 

Goals of the Week 4

I guess I kind of forgot about goals the previous week. But that’s ok, because the one I had was great! It was to get up at 7 AM every day. Ha, yeah right. However, the goal was helpful because it did make me get up at 7 SOME days, which I wouldn’t have done otherwise. I really need to rearrange my sleep schedule, because it’s really not conducive to attending classes or going to work on time.

My goal this week will be to not spend more than 7.29 on food each day. I choose this particular number because a smoothie and half salad costs 7.29 at tropical smoothie, and I really want smoothies. I also did my budget for the last two weeks and I spent over THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS. Granted, 100 of those were for CE credits, and another 70 went to things like strip clubs and movies, so I can easily eliminate that from my spending. But now I only have about 200 dollars for the entire month of September. So I have to cut it tight. And that means no more late night trips to the chocolate store when I get cravings.

In terms of behaviors, I’ve been doing really well! I haven’t purged for at least two weeks and even though I’ve overeaten a lot I wouldn’t say I’ve been bingeing too often.

How did you do on your goals? What are some new ones for this week?

10 Uplifting Songs

These are songs that make me feel powerful after I listen to them. As always, leave more in the comments!

1. You are Loved
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EGLSk3AVcUU

2. Better Son-Daughter
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0sy7y54XAE

3. Tubthumping
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2H5uWRjFsGc

4. Unwritten
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b7k0a5hYnSI

5. You Raise me Up
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aJxrX42WcjQ

6. Lean on Me
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KEXQkrllGbA

7. Circle of Life
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HwSKkKrUzUk

8. When you Believe
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gur8ccqrQ9c

9. We Are Done
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hTDjq6HECj0

10. God Bless the USA
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q65KZIqay4E

Foursome Quest Suceeded

I did it! I can't believe it but I did it. 
The whole experience was so... full of sensations. 
We put on 70s porn music and started kissing each other. That is, after about an hour of drinking and another hour of just sitting in the room discussing random topics. I was too nervous to start anything because I didn't know what the heck to do, so we waited until Marius started making out with his girlfriend, and then I joined them on the couch. Our clothes were all still on at this point, so we were just making out with each other and kissing each other on the neck. Eventually the girls' clothes came off and Cosette and I started caressing each other.
Let me say this: It feels no different to kiss a girl than to kiss a guy. However, a girl's body feels amazing. Cosette was soft and smooth and had beautiful curves that you could run your hands up and down and explore. Girls are fun. 
We were all in a clump on the couch, music blasting away in the background at 3 AM, each person touching someone else and being touched by someone else. 
Eventually the guys stood up and watched as Cosette and I got frisky with each other. 
This is one thing about group sex I didn't anticipate. You have to look good. When you're with just one other person it doesn't matter how you look from the ceiling as long as you're pleasing in a physical way. But in this scenario you have to please your partner and anyone else on the sidelines who wants to be aroused by your intercourse. I think I look goddamn silly, to be honest. But Cosette looks great, so it all worked out. 
We split up into couples. I kind of let nerves get the better of me and didn't really give it my best, although it seemed like people were still having fun. We switched around. I flopped around like a fish a lot. I felt bad because it seemed like the guys couldn't keep it up for me and I didn't want to do anything wrong so of course I acted awkward which was the absolute worst thing to do. It was worse with Marius because I'd never done anything with him before. When Chris came over I felt more at ease. Each time I could hear Cosette on the other side of the room making her high-pitched sex noises. 
Eventually we wound down as the sun came up. 
The entire experience actually felt healthy. I felt like I was in it fully with three other people and we were all participating for each other. 
Afterwards Chris walked me back to my suite and he asked me if it was ok if he pursued sex with Cosette on a regular basis. I said sure, because we aren't in a relationship, but it actually does bug me. It bugs me because it means he had a better time with her than me, it means he thinks she's better at sex than I am, and it means that he wants to be with her instead of me. Not at the same time, instead of. That hurts my feelings. It's like we all went on a road trip and they left me at a rest stop and forgot about me. 
Oh well. He can do what he wants. I had a lot of fun anyway, and I think all of us said we'd do it again someday. 

Something I Never Thought I'd Do

I generally don't like talking about sex in public and especially on this blog, as it doesn't really relate to recovery. Except it does. Sex is very stressful and very exciting and very relaxing. No matter who I'm with, it's all of those things. I'm always worried that I'm not doing enough to pleasure the guy. Also I can't really orgasm so I usually want it to last as short as possible. 
On my bucket list is Threesome. It's only sort of on my bucket list because I never thought I'd get the opportunity, and because I'm not sure how I would feel about it. I told Chris about this and agreed to do a threesome with him should he ever find someone. That happened about six months ago. 
Yesterday, Chris was talking with one of his (and my) friends. A guy at his fraternity. They were discussing threesomes and how each of them was trying to find someone to do one with, and suddenly they came up with the bright idea of a foursome. Chris, Marius, Cosette and I. Obviously I'm using fake names there, just in case. 
They asked me if I was in and I said yes, thinking I would have at least a week to prepare myself for going so out of my comfort zone. And giving me time to back out if I needed it. But when all four of us were discussing it, we decided to do it TODAY. And that's the story of how later today, Emily is going to be having sex with three other people in the basement of a fraternity. 
On the one hand, I'm excited. There is a reason I said yes, after all. Cosette is really hot and I've been wanting to experiment with her. When I first met Marius I liked him and thought he might make a good potential boyfriend. I haven't had sex in a long time, so I really really really want to have sex. And I like both Cosette and Marius's personalities. I was reading online about how some people just want to have a threesome. They care who it is in terms of "he would be good to have sex with" but the goal in mind is the threesome, not the specific person. That's not how I feel about this at all. I want to do this specifically with them, they're not just props. 
On the other hand, WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING??? First of all, I've never done *anything* like this before. I've never kissed a girl. I've never had sex with someone I didn't love. I've never been watched. I've never involved more than two people at all. How the heck do you go about a foursome? I feel like I'm underprepared for a test that's coming up, and there's no way I can study. 
Second of all, Cosette and Marius are waaaay hotter than Chris and I. Well, I suppose I can't really speak for Chris, because I don't know what Cosette thinks of him, and I think he's attractive. But objectively, I'm very much of an ugly duckling compared to Cosette. I'm not as built. I'm not tan. I have marks all over my legs because I scratch my mosquito bites until they bleed. When I walk my thighs jiggle a little bit. I don't have huge boobs or really perky boobs. My teeth are too big. I laugh really weirdly. I don't have long slender fingers. This makes me feel anxious because what if no one wants me? What if I'm relegated to the corner, sort of a pity case? 
Third, Cosette is a stripper. So she has experience dancing, kissing women, and playing with them. And she has experience doing this with really hot women. I don't think I'll be able to please her. 
Fourth, what if I can't please anyone? I have no idea what Marius likes. He could be a sex god. And due to my lack of experience I could just be really bad at it for him. I'm going to be worse than Cosette anyway. That's a given because she's his girlfriend. 
Fifth, Marius and I have never had anything like a sexual relationship. For one, he's Devyn's old roommate, so he was off limits when I was pursuing Devyn, and he also had a steady girlfriend, so that automatically made me unattracted to him. It's just really weird to think of Marius in such a platonic way one minute and then the next I've signed myself up to have sex with him. I also feel weird about it because I still have some remnant feelings for Devyn, and even though I know I can never go back to that again, I would feel like I'm betraying him by doing things with his roommate. The roommate of the man I love will have seen more of my body than the man I love. That's a really weird thought to me. 

So how does this impact recovery? It's stressing me out, which brings out behaviors. I wrote about it in my journal but I feel like I need to post it, even if no one responds. 
Advice would be appreciated though, if anyone doesn't feel too awkward. 

Psychotherapy is Not Useless

As part of my readings for my social work classes I had to read a few articles describing the shift in the social work profession. The writers invariably expressed outrage that the profession had shifted away from promoting policy change and instead focused on direct practice (ie therapy). They think that therapy produces no useful results in the long run and that social workers need to focus on making life better for communities. In fact, many writers critique the practice of therapy on the grounds that it caters to middle class clients, and creates an environment of dependency on the therapist.

These articles were hard for me to read because I believe so strongly in therapy and because, well, that’s what I want to do when I graduate.

I don’t want to go into policy change. I’d rather stay far away from policy. I just don’t have the drive in me to make big changes socially. Am I fed up with some things? Yeah, but not the ones that everyone else seems to care about. Poverty, racism, drug addiction epidemics… those are all problems that I care about in the sense that I would rather they don’t exist, but I’m not going to fight them tooth and nail.

Maybe that’s a bad thing. It seems like social workers are mandated to hold certain political views. Like we’re not allowed to express anti-welfare sentiments. We have to care about every single issue and we have to take the side of the needy no matter what we actually think. I can tell that I’m going to be the bigoted conservative one in my classes, even though in the larger community I would definitely count as liberal or at least moderate.

Anyway, I don’t think psychotherapy is useless. My first reason for this is my own personal experience with it. I can guarantee that if I had never gone to a therapist I would be throwing up probably every day of my life. A therapist allowed me a safe place to talk and process my issues, which I’d never had before. Bad therapists really don’t make much of an impact, but I think they’re still helpful to their clients just as a face to talk to.

My second reason is that therapy allows others to reach their full potential. And when people reach their full potential they do good in the world and can reach out. So even if social workers aren’t directly helping tons of people, indirectly they’re very important for their communities.

My third reason is that there are some problems that can’t be eliminated. Poverty is never going to go away because there’s always going to be a lowest earning income bracket. You can succeed in helping individuals or small groups, so why not focus on those efforts rather than failing to help everyone?

I have a feeling my opinion will change by the time I graduate from this master’s program. But those are my feelings now. 

6 Uplifting Phrases

In my eternal quest to make my room a happy place I made 6 strips of paper with happy and uplifting phrases on them to help me through the school year. Then I taped them in six different places on my walls so that I'll look up and see one and hopefully it will make my day go a little more easily. 
Here they are:

BREATHE AND PLAN

YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE FAMILY

EACH MOMENT IS A MOMENT YOU CAN CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY

YOUR PAST AND FUTURE SELVES LOVE YOU

SMILE AND SING TODAY

GOD PUT YOU ON THIS EARTH SO YOU MUST NEED TO BE HERE

Suicide is a Selfish Act

My group therapist thinks that suicide is a selfish act. It takes the burden off your own shoulders but puts a much bigger burden on everyone around you that they have to carry for the rest of their lives.

I’ve been suicidal, and the only thing that kept me from trying was knowing that if I died it would destroy my mother’s life. I didn’t think suicide was selfish until my therapist mentioned it was, but I’m inclined to agree with her.

This view implies that people that commit suicide are selfish, or that people that want to commit suicide are selfish and people that attempt suicide are selfish.

It’s an interesting paradox because often nothing could be further from the truth. In my own experience one of the reasons I wanted to kill myself was because I believed the world would be a better place without me in it. (I still believe that, by the way) Suicide is driven by emotions, not rational thought.

That’s why it’s important to realize that suicide is a selfish act when your mind is more rational. And then when you’re deep in the shithole even if you don’t believe it at the moment it’s something to repeat to yourself, something you know you’ll believe eventually that will help keep you alive.

Thoguhts?