Sunday, August 24, 2014

Something I Never Thought I'd Do

I generally don't like talking about sex in public and especially on this blog, as it doesn't really relate to recovery. Except it does. Sex is very stressful and very exciting and very relaxing. No matter who I'm with, it's all of those things. I'm always worried that I'm not doing enough to pleasure the guy. Also I can't really orgasm so I usually want it to last as short as possible. 
On my bucket list is Threesome. It's only sort of on my bucket list because I never thought I'd get the opportunity, and because I'm not sure how I would feel about it. I told Chris about this and agreed to do a threesome with him should he ever find someone. That happened about six months ago. 
Yesterday, Chris was talking with one of his (and my) friends. A guy at his fraternity. They were discussing threesomes and how each of them was trying to find someone to do one with, and suddenly they came up with the bright idea of a foursome. Chris, Marius, Cosette and I. Obviously I'm using fake names there, just in case. 
They asked me if I was in and I said yes, thinking I would have at least a week to prepare myself for going so out of my comfort zone. And giving me time to back out if I needed it. But when all four of us were discussing it, we decided to do it TODAY. And that's the story of how later today, Emily is going to be having sex with three other people in the basement of a fraternity. 
On the one hand, I'm excited. There is a reason I said yes, after all. Cosette is really hot and I've been wanting to experiment with her. When I first met Marius I liked him and thought he might make a good potential boyfriend. I haven't had sex in a long time, so I really really really want to have sex. And I like both Cosette and Marius's personalities. I was reading online about how some people just want to have a threesome. They care who it is in terms of "he would be good to have sex with" but the goal in mind is the threesome, not the specific person. That's not how I feel about this at all. I want to do this specifically with them, they're not just props. 
On the other hand, WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING??? First of all, I've never done *anything* like this before. I've never kissed a girl. I've never had sex with someone I didn't love. I've never been watched. I've never involved more than two people at all. How the heck do you go about a foursome? I feel like I'm underprepared for a test that's coming up, and there's no way I can study. 
Second of all, Cosette and Marius are waaaay hotter than Chris and I. Well, I suppose I can't really speak for Chris, because I don't know what Cosette thinks of him, and I think he's attractive. But objectively, I'm very much of an ugly duckling compared to Cosette. I'm not as built. I'm not tan. I have marks all over my legs because I scratch my mosquito bites until they bleed. When I walk my thighs jiggle a little bit. I don't have huge boobs or really perky boobs. My teeth are too big. I laugh really weirdly. I don't have long slender fingers. This makes me feel anxious because what if no one wants me? What if I'm relegated to the corner, sort of a pity case? 
Third, Cosette is a stripper. So she has experience dancing, kissing women, and playing with them. And she has experience doing this with really hot women. I don't think I'll be able to please her. 
Fourth, what if I can't please anyone? I have no idea what Marius likes. He could be a sex god. And due to my lack of experience I could just be really bad at it for him. I'm going to be worse than Cosette anyway. That's a given because she's his girlfriend. 
Fifth, Marius and I have never had anything like a sexual relationship. For one, he's Devyn's old roommate, so he was off limits when I was pursuing Devyn, and he also had a steady girlfriend, so that automatically made me unattracted to him. It's just really weird to think of Marius in such a platonic way one minute and then the next I've signed myself up to have sex with him. I also feel weird about it because I still have some remnant feelings for Devyn, and even though I know I can never go back to that again, I would feel like I'm betraying him by doing things with his roommate. The roommate of the man I love will have seen more of my body than the man I love. That's a really weird thought to me. 

So how does this impact recovery? It's stressing me out, which brings out behaviors. I wrote about it in my journal but I feel like I need to post it, even if no one responds. 
Advice would be appreciated though, if anyone doesn't feel too awkward. 


  1. I wanted to have sex with a girl. That was on my college bucket list. Never happened but I did make out with a girl. I almost had a fling with a girl in my psych class hut sadly that never happened. The boyfriend and I talked about a three some so that I could get the fantasy in but came to the conclusion neither of us wanted to share very badly. At a party I almost had a threesome so it's a bunch of almost for me and I only get I could do it with a couple shots. I would never with two guys because I don't think that's sexy but hey, if you wanna go for it. Obviously you're attractive if they want to do it with you. Just be present in your body and allow yourself to be turned on and stuff by all the sensations and sights and touch. Good luck.

  2. Wow Emily, how exciting!
    I think this post does have a lot to so with recovery
    Because sex and relationships are all part of recovery
    I have never had a relationship where I was in recovery
    Most of my relationships have been drug and alcohol soaked
    The thought of being with a guy sober freaks me the fuck out
    I just would be so self conscious

    But listen,
    What you're doing is brave and exciting
    Part of me is a little jealous if I am honest
    You are 4 consenting adults
    I'm sure everyone will be nervous and anxious
    Just go with it
    Enjoy it
    Laugh and joke or have a drink to break the ice
    Good luck!!
    Let us know how you get on!!!! x

  3. Do whatever you feel comfortable I guess. Yeah, I know. Not very good advice.
    But I don't know anything about foursomes...or much about sex even besides sex ed classes.
    You're not betraying anyone and I'm sure you're attractive.
    Just have fun doing it.
    Use protection (?)


  4. Don't let it get to you, it could be a wonderful thing if you just relax into it. Sometimes doing what you're afraid of can be fantastic.

    / Avy

  5. First - I guarantee you are selling yourself short. Maybe you're not a supermodel, but there are a million little things that can make a person sexy besides just being "hot."
    Second - you are all enthusiastically consenting adults, which is awesome. I also guarantee you're all going to be nervous! My belief is that there's no such thing as "good sex." It's whatever works for the people who are participating. Find out what works and go with it.
    Third - she may he a stripper, but maybe it will be a while lot more fun when she is freely choosing to be with someone and not having to perform for income.
    Fourth - Maybe jumping in gives less time for behaviors to flare up under anxiety. Maybe that's a good thing.
    Fifth - I'm sure this is all too late, but have fun!

  6. I got excited for you just reading this post. I experienced my first threesome last year on my birthday. It was with my fiancé and my best friend. Her and I have been friends for 13 years at that time and we've been sexual before, but it was completely different with my fiancé. It was fun and exciting but nerve wrecking at the same time. I don't regret it and I'm glad I got to experience it.
    Best of luck sweetie.


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