Yesterday I wanted to fast to break away from the cycle of binging I was stuck in over summer vacation. I ate a small breakfast to start my metabolism and then resolved not to eat anything until the next morning.
Boy did that fail.
By 10 AM I had a splitting headache, and by noon I was starting to get tired and nauseous. In my third class of the day, my hands started shaking and I felt lightheaded more than anything else. I got up to get a drink and could barely get myself to the water fountain. I felt incredibly hot- like I was burning up, and yet when I looked in the mirror, my face was whiter than Kleenex. I needed to sleep, yet I wasn’t tired. I needed to vomit, yet I hadn’t eaten anything. It was an awful feeling. Strangely, I did not feel hungry, but in my mind all my symptoms were related to me not eating, and sure enough, about an hour after I scarfed down a yogurt and two granola bars, I started to feel like normal again.
Do things like this normally happen when you start to restrict? I don’t remember this ever happening before.
Those few hours that I suffered were more than enough to convince me not to fast ever again. The purpose of this eating disorder is to make me happy, and what I felt was the furthest thing from happiness that I’ve ever experienced. For me, even grief and loss can’t hold a candle to this kind of discomfort. All I could think of was that my body was shutting down, that I needed some way to escape it, that I had to get out of this state as soon as possible. It was terrifying!