I’m sure a lot of people feel like this, but more and more I’m feeling guilty about looking for attention relating to my eating disorder. Although I’m 120 pounds, (which is a low weight for some heights) I am by no means skinny. My weight is in the normal range, and when I read about people thinking they’re fat and seeing how flat their stomachs really are, how thin their arms really are, how small their thighs really are… I just feel like a sham. I am not anorexic. I wish I could be at a low enough weight to be considered anorexic, or that I looked skinny enough to be considered anorexic, but I’m not. When people blog about trying to not binge, I have to remind myself that some mean 600 calories instead of 200. I’m not saying it’s not serious to binge on 600 calories, but boy I wish I could stick to that. Instead I ingest around 1500 calories per binge, most likely more.
My point is that I feel like I have been leading people to believe I’m something that I’m not. Unintentionally, of course.
In addition, my disorder has gone on for a mere 2 years. And my binges and purges have been few and far between compared to others that I’ve read about. How was I the one who ended up in treatment? And how could I even think of wishing for more? I want inpatient treatment so badly, just to help me stop binging. There are people out there whose lives are in danger because of their eating disorder, and I want to take away one of their spots.
I keep telling myself I deserve treatment as much as they do, but even if that’s the case, treatment is a limited resource. There are limited number of spots in inpatient and outpatient therapy. There are limited numbers of therapists. Shouldn’t the people who are more in danger get first dibs?
What’s worse is that instead of motivating me to get better, this only makes me want to get sicker. Then I’ll deserve all this attention I’m getting.
Well, I made a promise to myself that I wasn’t going to purge ever again. This is only the 200th time I’ve tried to stick to it. If I was going to give up, I would have done it 100 times ago. I guess my brain wants me to be self-centered. And I hate myself for it. But it’s working.