Thursday, December 13, 2012

Feeling Fat

I think people with eating disorders might know better than some overweight people how it feels to be fat. Sure, some of us might not feel the physical aspects of extra weight, but we feel the psychological effects to the max. We know how it feels to have people stare at us with that disgusted look on our face because we have a few extra rolls tucked away somewhere. We feel bloated and disgusting all the time in our skins, and the mirrors tell us we’re walking butter sticks. The thought of our fat is in our thoughts 24/7. I used to imagine what I would reply if someone ever told me I looked fat. Something along the lines of “tell me something I don’t already know” was usually what I settled on.
We feel constrained by our weights and we let them prevent us from doing things like swimming or going shopping or going to a dance or being intimate with someone.
When someone says “I feel fat” that’s the sort of feeling I think of.
I know that many overweight people are probably much happier with their sizes than people with EDs are about theirs, but I have a hard time picturing it.
What do you think?


  1. "the mirrors tell us we're walking butter sticks"
    I actually laughed out loud as to how true that is.

    This post gave me pause to think for a moment, I have a younger sister who has been grossly over weight ever since we were kids, and while how much she hate has seemingly always embaressed her (only eating half of dinner in front of people, not wanting to look like 'the fat girl who stuffed her face' but then hiding in her room and binging on secret treats) she has never been embarrassed about who she is. It's something I've always admired about her. She doesn't put up with shit, and while I make excuses for the way people treat me or behave around me, thinking it is because of my weight, she's got no time for shit. I love that about my sister.
    I do see how she holds herself back though. Physically when we travel it's hard for her to be on her feet for too long, and things like going to concerts or shows where we have assigned seating is always tight and she withdraws and hides in her room with her food which is safe.
    Whereas I'll retreat into myself for fear of embarrassment of my fat self, and ease my anxieties by knowing I have safe, low cal foods near by so I don't have to starve while trying to avoid heavy saturated foods.
    It's interesting to see the way both of us have grown up with each other, and how the events in our lives have shaped us quite differently, and our coping mechanisms differ.

    I think sometimes the attitude real overweight people have towards their attitudes is the same people with ED's have towards a binge. Sometimes if I've already been naughty once during a day, I'll think 'fuck it the whole day is ruined, I'm just going to eat everything I've told myself not to for the past month and then start over tomorrow'... Similarily, I've overheard a few over weight individuals express the same attitude, 'Well, I'm already so fat I might as well have another dessert, I"m not going to be a super model any time soon!" and they have 'given up' in some ways.

    love always,
    loveylou xx

    1. I can definitely see that being a factor, especially since it would take so much time to get thinner.

  2. *how much she eats, not how much she hate

  3. It's such a horrible feeling to feel fat
    Like you said, it stops us from doing so much
    We stop becoming who we are and we just become fat
    Mary is always trying to tell me that fat is just a feeling and I can't trust the way I feel or even my own eyes
    The only way to tell is to weigh
    But no matter what the scale says, we always feel fat

    At my highest weight I was 130lbs
    Perfectly healthy for my height but it didn't suit me, my frame is small so anything extra is really noticeable
    I felt so uncomfortable in my own skin and I can't bear to look at photos from that time, I even destroyed some of them
    Even thought I wasn't fat, I 'felt' fat
    And if you feel fat then you are fat, right?
    That's not true at all but try telling that to someone with an eating disorder

    Love to you Emily x

    1. I bet it wasn't as noticeable as you thought :)
      but I definitely understand that sentiment. I think I look much better at a lower weight than where I am, because I believe any extra weight makes me look disproportional. But no one has ever noticed before so I figure it must be in my head.
      I hope you're doing well :)

  4. Whenever I see larger women (not like morbidly obese, just plump), I always feel so jealous of them, because I have this impression that they just don't care. Their outward appearance isn't their major concern. And I care so much and obsess so much, sometimes I wish I could just be like them, relax and eat a sandwich, you know?

    1. Yeah, it would be nice to relax. However I also hear others judge the plump people for being plump. I wish people weren't so appearance oriented.


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