When people think of bulimics, they don’t think of people.
They think of pale, blond nymphs surrounded by cakes and
pastries, smiling with red, soulless eyes. They think of monsters stuffing food
into their mouth with wild abandon. They think of hideous creatures that stink
of vomit. Of things with yellow teeth and wild hair.
I believe that if I told someone I wasn’t extremely close to
that I was bulimic, all they would think of when they see me is throwing up.
Calling yourself a bulimic takes away your identity. It
reduces you to your worst, and it makes you into that creature you imagine everyone
thinks you are.
There are times when I feel like a bulimic- my life is
reduced to a sum of calories, binges and purges that define my personality and
my beliefs. And then there are times where I feel so free and normal that it’s
hard to believe I have an eating disorder at all.
Sometimes after a purge I can just go right back into my day
without a care in the world and forget about what I’ve just done.
Everyone with an eating disorder is proof that people are
more than their illnesses, but I feel like people still use them as defining
characteristics. I just hate to think that the Emily people know- the one that
loves dancing, singing, music, laughing, and writing could be crushed by
something that most of the time doesn’t even define me.
I don’t want to have bulimia anymore. Why can’t I stop
defining myself as a bulimic?
I agree wholeheartedly Emily
ReplyDeleteWhen we're labelled with anorexic or bulimic, we stop becoming people and become a diagnosis or a patient.
People then only see our illness and not the person.
When I was first diagnosed I thought 'Oh God, I better start living up to this diagnosis' and I became even more disordered.
Doctors need to be very careful when diagnosing people so that we remember we are more than our illness.
Take care x