Thursday, June 20, 2013

Automatic Thoughts Day 6

Situation: Another work sitch. Basically I dropped a resident. Technically, I didn't really drop him, but it amounts to the same thing. It's my fault, and it wouldn't have happened if I weren't trying to be all high and mighty and independent and competent. I was being stupid. 
Stress: 10
Ate: Marshmallows, yoplait, smarties
Thoughts: I hate myself. I should be fired. I was being stupid. Everyone hates me now. My coworker definitely hates me and he thinks I'm stupid and mean and a horrible caretaker because I did this. He probably talks about me behind everyone's back about how horrible a caretaker I am and turns everyone against me. He hates me. I know he does. And I ruined my reputation with everyone else too. I hate myself. I wish I could erase people's memories. I'm stupid. I can't believe I yelled at him. I just seem more guilty every time I open my fat mouth. Everyone hates me and everyone is going to catch on that I'm horrible and they'll fire me and yell at me. 
I don't know about you but I'm more afraid of people yelling at me than if they fire me in a quiet voice.

Situation: Going to my first group therapy meeting (I'll post about it soon!) and I had to buy food to eat. I didn't know we had to bring something, so I had eaten a big meal beforehand. 
Stress: 5
Ate: candied nuts, cheezits
Thoughts: I don't know what to get. If I get this then everyone will think I'm doing it because I have an eating disorder. But if I get something unhealthy they'll think I'm doing it to fit in. And I need to get something big enough that people won't think I'm being anorexic, even though I don't look anorexic. But I already ate and I'm not hungry. Ugh.....

1 comment:

  1. when you put that stress as 10, i died. :(
    awwwwww im afraid of disappointing people. it used to be my number one fuel for anxiety in high school. right now, i get those thoughts mostly on a depression interval. when i'm in one of my episodes. they all seem to have the same trigger anyway: my huge weight fucks sake.
    food related thoughts are so stressful. fuck. i swear!
    take care of yourself, sweetie xo
    these posts are so enlightening yet i hate to hear your thoughts (even though i could've guessed them anyway :( )

    -Sam Lupin


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