Bulimia Girl: August 2014

Thursday, August 28, 2014

10 Uplifting Songs

Monday, August 25, 2014

I did it! I can't believe it but I did it.
The whole experience was so... full of sensations.
We put on 70s porn music and started kissing each other. That is, after about an hour of drinking and another hour of just sitting in the room discussing random topics. I was too nervous to start anything because I didn't know what the heck to do, so we waited until Marius started making out with his girlfriend, and then I joined them on the couch. Our clothes were all still on at this point, so we were just making out with each other and kissing each other on the neck. Eventually the girls' clothes came off and Cosette and I started caressing each other.
Let me say this: It feels no different to kiss a girl than to kiss a guy. However, a girl's body feels amazing. Cosette was soft and smooth and had beautiful curves that you could run your hands up and down and explore. Girls are fun.
We were all in a clump on the couch, music blasting away in the background at 3 AM, each person touching someone else and being touched by someone else.
Eventually the guys stood up and watched as Cosette and I got frisky with each other.
This is one thing about group sex I didn't anticipate. You have to look good. When you're with just one other person it doesn't matter how you look from the ceiling as long as you're pleasing in a physical way. But in this scenario you have to please your partner and anyone else on the sidelines who wants to be aroused by your intercourse. I think I look goddamn silly, to be honest. But Cosette looks great, so it all worked out.
We split up into couples. I kind of let nerves get the better of me and didn't really give it my best, although it seemed like people were still having fun. We switched around. I flopped around like a fish a lot. I felt bad because it seemed like the guys couldn't keep it up for me and I didn't want to do anything wrong so of course I acted awkward which was the absolute worst thing to do. It was worse with Marius because I'd never done anything with him before. When Chris came over I felt more at ease. Each time I could hear Cosette on the other side of the room making her high-pitched sex noises.
Eventually we wound down as the sun came up.
The entire experience actually felt healthy. I felt like I was in it fully with three other people and we were all participating for each other.
Afterwards Chris walked me back to my suite and he asked me if it was ok if he pursued sex with Cosette on a regular basis. I said sure, because we aren't in a relationship, but it actually does bug me. It bugs me because it means he had a better time with her than me, it means he thinks she's better at sex than I am, and it means that he wants to be with her instead of me. Not at the same time, instead of. That hurts my feelings. It's like we all went on a road trip and they left me at a rest stop and forgot about me.
Oh well. He can do what he wants. I had a lot of fun anyway, and I think all of us said we'd do it again someday.

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Something I Never Thought I'd Do

I generally don't like talking about sex in public and especially on this blog, as it doesn't really relate to recovery. Except it does. Sex is very stressful and very exciting and very relaxing. No matter who I'm with, it's all of those things. I'm always worried that I'm not doing enough to pleasure the guy. Also I can't really orgasm so I usually want it to last as short as possible.
On my bucket list is Threesome. It's only sort of on my bucket list because I never thought I'd get the opportunity, and because I'm not sure how I would feel about it. I told Chris about this and agreed to do a threesome with him should he ever find someone. That happened about six months ago.
Yesterday, Chris was talking with one of his (and my) friends. A guy at his fraternity. They were discussing threesomes and how each of them was trying to find someone to do one with, and suddenly they came up with the bright idea of a foursome. Chris, Marius, Cosette and I. Obviously I'm using fake names there, just in case.
They asked me if I was in and I said yes, thinking I would have at least a week to prepare myself for going so out of my comfort zone. And giving me time to back out if I needed it. But when all four of us were discussing it, we decided to do it TODAY. And that's the story of how later today, Emily is going to be having sex with three other people in the basement of a fraternity.
On the one hand, I'm excited. There is a reason I said yes, after all. Cosette is really hot and I've been wanting to experiment with her. When I first met Marius I liked him and thought he might make a good potential boyfriend. I haven't had sex in a long time, so I really really really want to have sex. And I like both Cosette and Marius's personalities. I was reading online about how some people just want to have a threesome. They care who it is in terms of "he would be good to have sex with" but the goal in mind is the threesome, not the specific person. That's not how I feel about this at all. I want to do this specifically with them, they're not just props.
On the other hand, WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING??? First of all, I've never done *anything* like this before. I've never kissed a girl. I've never had sex with someone I didn't love. I've never been watched. I've never involved more than two people at all. How the heck do you go about a foursome? I feel like I'm underprepared for a test that's coming up, and there's no way I can study.
Second of all, Cosette and Marius are waaaay hotter than Chris and I. Well, I suppose I can't really speak for Chris, because I don't know what Cosette thinks of him, and I think he's attractive. But objectively, I'm very much of an ugly duckling compared to Cosette. I'm not as built. I'm not tan. I have marks all over my legs because I scratch my mosquito bites until they bleed. When I walk my thighs jiggle a little bit. I don't have huge boobs or really perky boobs. My teeth are too big. I laugh really weirdly. I don't have long slender fingers. This makes me feel anxious because what if no one wants me? What if I'm relegated to the corner, sort of a pity case?
Third, Cosette is a stripper. So she has experience dancing, kissing women, and playing with them. And she has experience doing this with really hot women. I don't think I'll be able to please her.
Fourth, what if I can't please anyone? I have no idea what Marius likes. He could be a sex god. And due to my lack of experience I could just be really bad at it for him. I'm going to be worse than Cosette anyway. That's a given because she's his girlfriend.
Fifth, Marius and I have never had anything like a sexual relationship. For one, he's Devyn's old roommate, so he was off limits when I was pursuing Devyn, and he also had a steady girlfriend, so that automatically made me unattracted to him. It's just really weird to think of Marius in such a platonic way one minute and then the next I've signed myself up to have sex with him. I also feel weird about it because I still have some remnant feelings for Devyn, and even though I know I can never go back to that again, I would feel like I'm betraying him by doing things with his roommate. The roommate of the man I love will have seen more of my body than the man I love. That's a really weird thought to me.

So how does this impact recovery? It's stressing me out, which brings out behaviors. I wrote about it in my journal but I feel like I need to post it, even if no one responds.
Advice would be appreciated though, if anyone doesn't feel too awkward.

Friday, August 22, 2014

Psychotherapy is Not Useless

As part of my readings for my social work classes I had to read a few articles describing the shift in the social work profession. The writers invariably expressed outrage that the profession had shifted away from promoting policy change and instead focused on direct practice (ie therapy). They think that therapy produces no useful results in the long run and that social workers need to focus on making life better for communities. In fact, many writers critique the practice of therapy on the grounds that it caters to middle class clients, and creates an environment of dependency on the therapist.

These articles were hard for me to read because I believe so strongly in therapy and because, well, that’s what I want to do when I graduate.

I don’t want to go into policy change. I’d rather stay far away from policy. I just don’t have the drive in me to make big changes socially. Am I fed up with some things? Yeah, but not the ones that everyone else seems to care about. Poverty, racism, drug addiction epidemics… those are all problems that I care about in the sense that I would rather they don’t exist, but I’m not going to fight them tooth and nail.

Maybe that’s a bad thing. It seems like social workers are mandated to hold certain political views. Like we’re not allowed to express anti-welfare sentiments. We have to care about every single issue and we have to take the side of the needy no matter what we actually think. I can tell that I’m going to be the bigoted conservative one in my classes, even though in the larger community I would definitely count as liberal or at least moderate.

Anyway, I don’t think psychotherapy is useless. My first reason for this is my own personal experience with it. I can guarantee that if I had never gone to a therapist I would be throwing up probably every day of my life. A therapist allowed me a safe place to talk and process my issues, which I’d never had before. Bad therapists really don’t make much of an impact, but I think they’re still helpful to their clients just as a face to talk to.

My second reason is that therapy allows others to reach their full potential. And when people reach their full potential they do good in the world and can reach out. So even if social workers aren’t directly helping tons of people, indirectly they’re very important for their communities.

My third reason is that there are some problems that can’t be eliminated. Poverty is never going to go away because there’s always going to be a lowest earning income bracket. You can succeed in helping individuals or small groups, so why not focus on those efforts rather than failing to help everyone?

I have a feeling my opinion will change by the time I graduate from this master’s program. But those are my feelings now.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

6 Uplifting Phrases

In my eternal quest to make my room a happy place I made 6 strips of paper with happy and uplifting phrases on them to help me through the school year. Then I taped them in six different places on my walls so that I'll look up and see one and hopefully it will make my day go a little more easily.
Here they are:

BREATHE AND PLAN

YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE FAMILY

EACH MOMENT IS A MOMENT YOU CAN CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY

YOUR PAST AND FUTURE SELVES LOVE YOU

SMILE AND SING TODAY

GOD PUT YOU ON THIS EARTH SO YOU MUST NEED TO BE HERE

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Suicide is a Selfish Act

My group therapist thinks that suicide is a selfish act. It takes the burden off your own shoulders but puts a much bigger burden on everyone around you that they have to carry for the rest of their lives.

I’ve been suicidal, and the only thing that kept me from trying was knowing that if I died it would destroy my mother’s life. I didn’t think suicide was selfish until my therapist mentioned it was, but I’m inclined to agree with her.

This view implies that people that commit suicide are selfish, or that people that want to commit suicide are selfish and people that attempt suicide are selfish.

It’s an interesting paradox because often nothing could be further from the truth. In my own experience one of the reasons I wanted to kill myself was because I believed the world would be a better place without me in it. (I still believe that, by the way) Suicide is driven by emotions, not rational thought.

That’s why it’s important to realize that suicide is a selfish act when your mind is more rational. And then when you’re deep in the shithole even if you don’t believe it at the moment it’s something to repeat to yourself, something you know you’ll believe eventually that will help keep you alive.

Thoguhts?

Monday, August 18, 2014

Goals of the Week 3

Happy Monday!
Last week my goal was to not purge until acapella rehearsal. Well, I purged once. But only once, which is a dramatic increase from the rest of the summer. So I think I did pretty well considering.
My goal this week shall be to get up every single day at 7 AM.
The point of getting up so early is so I can exercise before classes, but I won't make that part of the goal. Baby steps.
What are your goals and how did you do with the ones last week?

Orientation started this morning. I felt so out of my depth. But it will be okay.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Have a Happy Room

I’m all moved in! My dorm is right above a starbucks and a work-out room, so I should have no excuse to be unhealthy. It feels so good to be back at school. Freeing, because there’s not a kitchen crammed with food around the corner, and happy because I’m reunited with my friends.

I started making schedules, and I plan to be extra prepared for everything this year. Let’s just hope it sticks! Let’s hope it sticks for long enough, anyway.

I think that I want to make my room a bright spot in my life this year. I’ve never managed to make it one before. Freshman year I was a horrible roommate so I spent all my time in my boyfriend’s room. Sophomore year I put a giant box on my bed and never unpacked it because I knew I would spend all my time in Robert’s room. Junior year I was afraid of my suitemates so I never bothered to do much with my room. It was a mess for most of the year.

This year I’m not searching fervently for someone to date, so I plan to spend a lot of time in my room. I want to make it a happy place. A place people would love to visit.

So I’m going to paint. So far I’ve put up a picture of a sexy carrot that I drew for someone, and a poster of me and my brother that we got at a party. On my door I cut out pieces of watercolor paper in the shape of my name and painted them yellow with purple flowers on the bottom. I don’t have any more painting paper though, so I’ll have to stick to making magnets for my mirror for a while.

How do you decorate your room or make it a homey place? Does it help you feel safe?

Monday, August 11, 2014

Goals of the Week 2

Last week my goal was completely ridiculous. I don't even want to discuss it, that's how badly I did with it.
This week my goal is to not purge at least until I get to acapella group. That means I'll have a two week no purge cycle before singing with the group. And my voice will sound amazing.

How did you do with your goals? What are your new goals of the week?

Sunday, August 10, 2014

10 HappySongs

Friday, August 8, 2014

Purpose

My purpose in life is to listen. To listen to people’s struggles and hear them when no one else will, or even when others listen too. My purpose is to find strengths in people and show them their own brilliance. My purpose is to help others find purpose. My purpose is to see people for what hey are, and also who they could be.

My other purpose is to love my future family. To be a devoted wife and raise wonderful kids.

These things don’t make life pleasant. Sometimes I make poor decision in favor of purpose, like talking to Chris even when I treat im horribly and he’s a poison on my life. But purpose gives me a reason to live.

I was thinking about feeling empty when I’m not in a relationship. It’s as if I’m holding out my hands to grasp something that isn’t there, so I have nothing (I repeat this to myself often. I have nothing. I have no one. I am nothing. I am no one). But now I feel as if I’m holding my future master’s degree in my hands. I feel comforted by that. Because my purpose and my love for it will always be there with me, even if no one else is.

What’s your purpose, if you’ve found it?