I’m not scared of people. I like people. I’m just scared of big groups of people.
That’s what group was yesterday, and it was my last day. I had made about 30 pairs of earrings to give away to everyone and of course the girls were in awe of them. (well, they ACTED that way at least) I also gave away the mini paintings, which I turned into magnets. I’ll miss the night sky one, but I have pictures of it and the point was to give them away anyway.
The therapist got a low-calorie cake and we lit candles. One for someone’s birthday, one for me to send me on my way, and one for another girl’s father. I thought it was beautiful and it almost made me cry on the spot.
She asked me what was most valuable from group. And I said:
“Just seeing how everyone here is out to support everyone else. That’s the best thing any of us can hope for in recovery. Group is the best thing I’ve done for myself in long time, and I’ll miss all of you guys and all the advice.”
And now I’m kicking myself for not saying the most important thing: You are all amazing and your love is the healing part of this experience.
I really do love each and every one of them because they love me unconditionally and wholly.
Why is that so hard for me to accept? I’m paralyzed when it comes to giving compliments to them BECAUSE of that unconditional love. It feels so alien to me and so strange that I don’t know what to do. I love their love and I return it in my heart, I just don’t know if they know I return it. I didn’t say much this summer. I didn’t offer much advice. I didn’t become really close friends with anyone. I didn’t stick around after group to chat with everyone because I was terrified.
It's true though, at least for me. Support from those girls did a hell of a lot more for me than any therapist. There's just something about realizing that you're really and truly not alone.
There’s still time.
Keep your friends close.