I’m not scared of people. I like
people. I’m just scared of big groups of people.
That’s what group was yesterday,
and it was my last day. I had made about 30 pairs of earrings to give away to
everyone and of course the girls were in awe of them. (well, they ACTED that
way at least) I also gave away the mini paintings, which I turned into magnets.
I’ll miss the night sky one, but I have pictures of it and the point was to
give them away anyway.
The therapist got a low-calorie
cake and we lit candles. One for someone’s birthday, one for me to send me on
my way, and one for another girl’s father. I thought it was beautiful and it
almost made me cry on the spot.
She asked me what was most
valuable from group. And I said:
“Just seeing how everyone here is
out to support everyone else. That’s the best thing any of us can hope for in
recovery. Group is the best thing I’ve done for myself in long time, and I’ll
miss all of you guys and all the advice.”
And now I’m kicking myself for not
saying the most important thing: You are all amazing and your love is the
healing part of this experience.
I really do love each and every
one of them because they love me unconditionally and wholly.
Why is that so hard for me to
accept? I’m paralyzed when it comes to giving compliments to them BECAUSE of
that unconditional love. It feels so alien to me and so strange that I don’t
know what to do. I love their love and I return it in my heart, I just don’t
know if they know I return it. I didn’t say much this summer. I didn’t offer
much advice. I didn’t become really close friends with anyone. I didn’t stick
around after group to chat with everyone because I was terrified.
It's true though, at least for me. Support from those girls did a hell of a lot more for me than any therapist. There's just something about realizing that you're really and truly not alone.
There’s still time.
Keep your friends close.
I'm so, so happy that you were able to find a niche in group and gain some understanding for yourself. Whether it matters now, it does in the future. It's so difficult to process that love but you gotta do it because that's what helps you heal.
ReplyDeleteOh! I made a post about my lifting and if my ED still hangs around. :D
Good luck at school lovely. Hold on to what you learned.
I know what you mean about the instant closeness you with someone when you find out you share something as big as an ED. Since we are so focused on hiding it in our "regular" lives, I know I feel a like a hugh wt has been lifted from me when I don't have to hide that aspect of my life. It is not often that you are able to lay all your cards down and not have to hide some part of yourself. But when you can it is so freeing. I wish everyone would be able to just be honest and open at least once in awhile. It is exhausting to hide aspects of our lives. I have let bits and pieces of my life out to cetain people and is is much easier than dancing around the truth all the time.
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