Saturday, August 10, 2013

Pros and Cons of Recovery

On the plane to Belize, I came up with this list. Nearly everything on the con list is irrational, but every time I read it I get a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach that means I'm afraid to face those things. 
Does anyone else have these on their pro and con lists? 
Something else that's bothering me: I saw my therapist yesterday and I brought along my list. I told her what the list was and how many things were on it, and she didn't ask to read it. I don't know if I should feel hurt or not. It makes me feel like she doesn't care. Next session I'm going to ask her to read it directly and maybe I'll tell her how I felt. I just don't know if I'm expecting too much of her. 

1. No blog (super irrational)
2. Might become fat
3. Might become depressed
4. Might be boring
5. No therapy 
6. No justification for feeling sad
7. No justification for wanting good things
8. Must face other problems 
- no friends
- boringness
- uselessness
9. Nothing to work towards
10. Not unique
11. Can't surprise/scare people
12. My life might not be any better
13. I'll be mean
14. I won't have empathy
15. Have to deal with feeling stuffed
16. Won't be able to experience all foods

1. Singing
2. More confident
3. Lose weight
4. Feel healthy
5. More energy
6. No lying
7. No stealing
8. No guilt
9. No headaches
10. Life
11. Feel in control
12. Feel safe
13. Less family dissent (although there's not much to begin with)
14. Pride
15. Qualified to help others
16. No fear of eating


  1. My list is similar to yours Emily
    I think it's very helpful to write out lists and Mary often gets me to do them

    There are pros to our EDs otherwise we wouldn't use them
    But I think your pro list of recovery far outweighs the cons of recovery

    I agree with a lot of your pros and cons and hopefully we can use this to help in our recoveries x

    1. You know what? You're right. I was focusing mainly on the cons when I wrote this list, but the pros do outweigh the cons, especially since the cons are so irrational. Thanks for reminding me!

  2. You know, some of the stuff on your con list is really irrational, like you said. Empathy is a quality you have to encourage in yourself. You still can try many foods, and why should we have to justify the best things God has to offer? We don't. You can do this. There's a life out there far better than your cons list. <3

    1. Yeah, most of it is completely irrational. I like that line- there's a life far better than the cons list. It reminds me that what I'm working towards is life, not some vacuum in which only everything on the cons list happens.

  3. if it's what you want to show her, show her love

    okay. let's look this list.
    this list makes me sad. there is a lot of irrationality honey in that list and you know it. <3
    I love that you wrote this. I love how willing you are to recover. I really look up to you for the whole recovery thing. because you're just so strong. I don't know how you do it to be honest.

    -Sam Lupin

    1. Sam, your comments are always amazing and they make me smile every time I read them. Just want you to know that :)

  4. I think you should make another list. Put your cons on the list and next to them state the rational response. Like being boring if you do the stuff on your pros list you won't be boring or bored.

    1. I am going to do this! Thanks for the suggestion, I hadn't thought of it before you mentioned it.

  5. Ellie is just pissed off
    she's angry at me not eating and she thinks that if she doesn't eat, then i'll be motivated to eat - when in fact, it doesn't change my response. Usually, it makes me guilty though and guilt reduces my appetite (shocking right?)
    she doesn't really do anything for attention as far as im concerned.

    -Sam Lupin


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