One of the best things Ed does is he blocks out negative emotions. Feel stressed? Eat! Feel lonely? Go to your room so you can skip dinner and then you’ll at least feel good about losing weight.
Ed doesn’t make any sense.
I believe that the more recovered you are, the more emotions you feel. Especially if you recover from a restricting disorder. Starving yourself is a great way to feel absolutely nothing. For me the blocked emotions of bulimia are more like feeling something very intensely but immediately getting rid of it by engaging in behavior.
Each step you take towards controlling Ed means that there’s no way to get rid of emotions, so you have to feel them. This is great because positive emotions become more sharp and more enjoyable, but it also means letting in a flood of negative emotions.
I never used to cry. I never used to feel anything.
Lately I’ve been crying about everything. When I stopped restricting I felt like I was on an emotional rollercoaster ride, and not just because of fears about gaining weight. I cried about feeling close to my boyfriend and I cried when I was stressed.
These past few weeks have been hard, but I did much better behavior-wise than I expected. I cried every single day.
In the past if I’d felt as sad as I do I would try to block it out by eating. It wouldn’t really do much in the end but it would dull the pain.
Now I know exactly what I want to do, and that is to cry. Whenever I feel the urge coming, I just let the tears flow for as long as they need to. I guess it helps me feel better, even though I will cry later about the same thing. But despite feeling sad I’ve been able to enjoy hanging out with my friends and laugh with them.
And I have to say, crying feels so much better than eating. I feel free, if not wet from my tears.
So here is a challenge: if you feel sad about something, don’t push away the reasons for it. Think about them and embrace them in your mind, and let yourself cry and feel enraged and sad and everything. And then tell me if you were nicer to yourself afterwards.