Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Greatest Shame

Being bulimic is one thing, but a thief? I hate myself for it. And yet, my eating disorder led me down that path. I never stole from a store, but last year my roommate stored bags of candy under her bed and left them there, open. She rarely ate from the bags, too. I was so in awe of that- how could she not scarf down all that delicious candy waiting to slide gracefully down someone’s throat? It was just BEGGING for someone to eat it!
Anyway, seeing the candy there all the time tortured me, because I had such strong impulses to binge on it, and she wasn’t doing anything with it. I didn’t want to ask her to move it, because we weren’t friends, and I was sort of scared of interacting with her.
So, eventually, I was on a binge rampage and I tore through her candy.
“My bulimia made me do it!”
No, no it didn’t. I know it’s not right to steal from people. I wasn’t insane when I went through her bag of candy, I just didn’t care about her feelings.
I did replace all of her candy after the fact, but that doesn’t make up for the fact that I took it without permission. Besides, that’s not the only thing I stole.
I took money from my bf- about a dollar, but still.
I would skim the tops of left-over food taken home from restaurants and hope that no one would notice. Once I was opening the lid on a cookie jar and someone walked in on me. I spent the subsequent week hiding out in my room whenever I wasn’t away from the dorm.
And here’s the worst thing: I took discarded food from trash cans and gulped it down. I always felt disgusted with myself whenever I did that, but it didn’t stop me. Food was too important.

Because of these things, I felt continuously paranoid that someone in the dorm would catch on and think less of me. Thus, I spent the latter part of my freshman year consumed in terror at the thought of entering my own room, or sitting downstairs with other people in my dorm. It was not a good place to be.
I never accepted responsibility for what I did (except for the candy) and thankfully I will never have to. I think it would break me down and only make things worse, truthfully. This year, I’d like to think that I won’t steal other people’s food or rummage around in trash cans to satiate myself. 
Admitting what I used to do is one way to make sure it doesn’t happen again. 


  1. I did similar things. I hated my roommates last year, but when I would get into binge mode I didn't care what I took from people (food wise) or ate... i just needed something. One of my roommates always had candy so I would break into her room and take handfuls of it.

    Its a rough thing to do, but you're right, admitting to it is a really great way to stop the behavior. Stay strong <3

  2. It's good you're honest about it, at least. I used to take like tooonns of chocolate bars every night from my boyfriends dad (he sold them at work). And I thought I'd get away with it. I didn't know he was keeping track of how many he sold so he could monitor his profit. He confronted Ryan about it, and then he asked me and I was sooo mortified I lied and said it was his sister. I'm so ashamed of myself for lying about it and blaming someone else, but I'm even more ashamed that his whole family knows how much I eat. It comes up occassionaly in arguements (I think he knows I'm full of it), and it's just this awful mix of shame and guilt but I can't bring myself to be honest. So anyways, I respect your honesty in addmitting it. You're alot stronger than I am, very motivating.

  3. I read this, and having been there, how I just want to help you. There is a way out...it doesn't have to be this way. :( Love you.


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