Music

Today my personal trait is a skill. Does that count?
I think having musical ability is something to be proud of. It makes it easy to bring joy to others, to bring joy to yourself, and and it lets you really appreciate the music others create. 
I am eternally grateful that I can sing and play the piano and the viola. I'm amazed that I can pick up harmonies to songs quickly and sing along. I'm happy that I have a feel for the mood of a song. 
This is something that is easy to take for granted. A lot of people have musical ability, but that doesn't mean that it shouldn't be celebrated. 
What's your positive trait for today?

Charisma

Just like with body parts, I ran out of positive traits. So I'm digging up one that I had neglected and now I will embrace it. 
That trait is charisma. 
I am a very shy person, but if I'm comfortable, I think I'm a great public speaker and I can get people to do what I want. One example might be that in my last year of debate I won several first place trophies. My arguments were no better than anyone else's, so it was all down to my speaking ability. 
Another example is that in a roomful of strangers I can easily make a good first impression. (Usually my second impression leaves much to be desired, but whatever) And when I go dancing I always try to make my dance partner feel like I'm having lots of fun with him (and I usually am.)
I'm going to take this trait and work on it and let it shine through. I know I can be charismatic, so I just need to let that show in all areas of my life, not just a few.
What trait do you love about yourself today? 

Positive Attitude

First of all, thanks for all the advice about my friend crush! You guys reaffirmed my belief that we should just stay friends and just not do anything about the crushing. 

Ok, now on to my positive trait. 

Today that is a positive attitude. I don't know if you can tell from reading my blog, but usually I really try to put a positive spin on things. Even when I'm having a bad day, I try to think of things that could be going worse so that I'll feel a little bit better. This positivity has its drawbacks sometimes- namely, sometimes people get annoyed with me for being too cheery, and sometimes they think that I can't be realistic. In truth, I'm a pessimist, which allows me to be happy. For instance, on tests I always assume I do worse than I actually do, so when I get the test back I'm pleasantly surprised. 

Anyway, my positive attitude has done a lot for me. When I decided to adopt it, I made more friends in school, attended more social gatherings, and overall life improved. As for how it relates to bulimia... not exactly sure. After I purge I'm usually in a pretty good mood, so I guess that's one way. But before I purge I feel pretty awful. 

This August when I did not purge at all I tried to remind myself that gaining weight was not the worst that could happen to me, so I guess that helped. 

I recommend that everyone who doesn't think they have a positive attitude to try it for one day. Smile and say hi to people. When someone asks you if you want to do something, be enthusiastic about the opportunity. Compliment people. Pretend you're the happiest person in the world. 

I had to work hard at it when I first started, but it paid off for me in the end. 

What's your positive trait for today?

Time Management

Today my positive personality trait is time management. 
I am great at planning for the future and parsing my time to different things. I only learned to really appreciate that when I saw how my boyfriend manages time, because he's absolutely awful at it. 
My immediate family is also great at managing time, so I never expected anything less. But time management is really important. It allows me to alleviate stress and have fun, because I can get homework done in advance. It allows me to be realistic and solve problems.
I'm pretty happy with it. 
On a slightly different note, I'm having some boy drama. (not really drama, but whatever) As you know, I have a boyfriend whom I love with all my heart. However, recently I've had pretty strong feelings for a platonic friend of mine. I get along really well with this friend, and often spend more time talking to him than my boyfriend. We have a lot of common interests, and I feel like we would work well together. In addition, he might have feelings for me. Although he's always a touchy-feely person, the way he looks at me sometimes makes my heart flutter.
So I don't know what I'm going to do about it. Should I stop being friends with him? I'm inclined to just wait out the infatuation and continue to be friends. 
And yes, I have thought of cheating on my boyfriend. That is absolutely not an option. Cheating would be a despicable thing to do to him. 

Reliability

My positive trait for today is reliability. Unless I have a very good reason not to, I will show up for stuff I signed up for on time. If I say I'll do something, I will. I'm very proud of this, because not everyone is reliable. For instance, my boyfriend always shows up late to things. 
I don't have much more to say, because right now I'm binging on something I plucked out of the top of a trash can. Curses. 
What's your positive trait for today?

The Lightbulb

Today my trait is creativity. I used to think I was really creative when I was young, because I would come up with all kinds of stories and poems and draw lots of things. Recently I've come to the conclusion that I'm actually not all that creative because look at all the people around me who can draw beautiful pictures and write novels?
Then, yesterday on the bus back to my dorm, I had a thought. Out of all my friends, who creates the most? Although my pictures aren't the most beautiful and my stories aren't the most well-written, I do have a penchant for creating. I churn out at least 10 pictures a year. I write music in my spare time. I write poems and stories every once in a while, and they're not that bad. I come up with ideas for posts on this blog. When someone mentions a problem I'm always the first one to think up some sort of solution. 
Therefore, I have decided that my creativity is back and in full swing! 

What's your positive personality trait today?

Goals of the Week 11

My binge/purge goal for last week was to not eat dessert. I definitely didn't follow that one. I tried for the first few days, but then I was overtaken by desire to eat pie crust and cookies and all sorts of things. I did binge and purge a couple times. 

My goal for this week will be to not binge and purge for 5 days. I've done it before, so I should be able to do it this week. 

My non binge/purge goal was to choose one body part I like on myself each day. As you can see from my posts, that was a success. And it actually made me appreciate myself a little more. This week I think I'll continue in that vain and choose one personality trait that I like about myself each day of the week. This one will be harder because I don't like to brag, but I'm justifying it in the fact that this is my blog and I should be able to brag if I want to! And also because I really need to remind myself what's good about me. 

So my first trait will be empathy. There's no way anyone who know's me can deny that I am empathetic. I'm able to put myself in other people's shoes pretty easily, and I will always stick up for people if they're being attacked for no reason. I like this trait in myself because I think it makes me a better and nicer person. 

What are your goals for the week?

What's one trait about yourself that you like? 

Hands

The last body part that I love this week is my hands. I wasn't going to write about them, because I think my fingers are short and stubby, but after failing to come up with anything else I decided that from now on I'm going to love them, stubby fingers and all. My hands are incredibly small- not small for me, but small in comparison to everyone else on the planet. I like that because it makes me feel small. 
My hands are also great because of what I can do with them. I can hold onto my boyfriend's neck as he kisses me. I can pretend that my hands are freezing (they usually are for real) and someone will press my fingers against his warm palms. I can use my hands to dance. I can use them to type and write and pick up a bow. Hands are wonderful things!
What body part do you love about yourself today?

Chipmunk Cheeks

Today the body part that I love about myself is my cheeks. Ever since I stopped purging regularly, my cheeks have stopped looking bloated and fat, and now they actually look nice. I just have to believe that about my stomach and then there would be no reason to purge! (well, less of a reason). 
What body part do you love about yourself today?

Skin

Today there's nothing I love about myself. I binged and purged and am binging again and there's no stopping me. I'm going to gain 500 pounds and I'll look stupid when I go out to dance tonight. Guys will look at me and be disgusted. Girls will giggle about me behind their backs. And I'm not even that great a dancer, so I can't win back their respect like that. 
However, I gave myself a challenge and I have to complete it. Therefore... I love my skin today. My boyfriend has told me on occasion that it's nice and clear, and I agree with that. So there. 
What body part do you love on yourself today?

Ears

I had some trouble thinking about what body part I loved about myself today. Finally I came up with ears. Really, it's because I don't hate them like I do the rest of my body. I don't really love them either... I just don't care about them in general I guess. 
But ears are pretty useful. I have a good musical ear, which is nice. And I can wear earrings. 
I guess my ears look ok. I don't really know how an ear can look bad, but I guess they can if they stick out or something. Mine don't. They're just normal. 
What body part do you love about yourself today?

Wiggling Eyebrows

The body part I love today is my eyebrows. I love them because they're not too thick and not too thin. My boyfriend once commented that he was sure that I used tweezers on them to make them look good. (and because my boyfriend doesn't give out comments like that randomly, I think he meant it) 
I also love my eyebrows because I can wiggle them, which is something not everyone can do. My boyfriend can raise one eyebrow at a time but can't do them both together. Weird, right? 
What body part do you love about yourself today?

Luscious Lips

My body part that I love today is my lips. They're nicely shaped, and they're plump (at least for a fully Anglo Saxon girl). I love what I can do with them. I can kiss my boyfriend on the forehead when he's feeling overwhelmed by work, I can run them over smooth pieces of metal and feel the sensation scorch my skin, and I can paint them to look beautiful. I can smile with them- either sarcastically or really. I can smooch my boyfriend with them. I can bask in their tingling when someone gets too close. 
Lips are wonderful things.  

Goals of the Week 10

My binge/purge goal for last week was to follow my meal plan. That worked 5/7 days. That seems to be a pattern for me. I don't really know why. I purged one time this week, although I don't think another instance will happen like that again. Since I started the study, I felt some pressure to purge in order to look like I still needed treatment. Since I did purge, I was able to reorganize my thoughts and I will continue to remind myself that they can't kick me out of the study even if I binge 0 times. Besides, now that I've started, any binge/purge free days will be attributed to the treatment. 
My new goal is to not eat dessert this week. Every time I binge it starts with dessert, so I want to stay away from it. Today I had a whole bunch of nutella at breakfast, but since I burned off 200 calories in gym I can plan throughout the day consume less than what I burn. 

My non binge/purge goal was to practice my instrument twice. Ha! I didn't do it, but I didn't feel too poorly about not doing it. My new goal will be to choose one body part that I like on myself each day of the week. Today that body part is my ass. It seems weird coming from someone who thinks she's fat, but I actually think butts should be nice and round and squishy. Therefore, I am perfectly happy with mine. 

What are your goals for the week?

What's one body part you like on yourself? 

CBT Study

Today I binged and purged. I can’t let it turn into a cycle again, so I have to restrain myself. It’s going to be the only time this week that it happens.

Today was my first day in a treatment study for bulimia. The study is testing the effects of CBT administered via chat versus face-to-face. I think most people would agree that face-to-face is the better method, but who knows, maybe this treatment will work too. I’m in a group with two other girls (well, not really girls, since they’ve both graduated college and are holding down steady jobs) and one administrator who likes to use lots of exclamation points. Today we didn’t spend that much time talking because we had to sort out any technical issues and tell a little bit about ourselves to the small group. However, since it’s such a small group I have a feeling that this could be a really good experience.

My last time in treatment people were rotated in and out rather quickly, so I never got a chance to really bond with anyone. This is a 20 week program, and since it’s such a small group, no voice will be overpowered. I like that. 

I'm going to try to post some useful things I learn from the treatment on this blog for everyone to see. 

Binge Tip

I read this in an Overeater's Anonymous book and it's helped me avoid a few binges since then.

The first compulsive bite always leads to a binge.

This means that to avoid a binge you have to recognize when you want to take the first compulsive bite, and then not take it. Stopping yourself from tasting the cheesecake is a lot easier than stopping yourself from gorging on it after the first piece. 

Goals of the Week 9

My binge/purge goal of last week was to not binge on dessert foods. I lasted only 4 days, unfortunately. I'm really starting to panic about all this binging. If I keep going this way, I'll be overweight in no time, and if that ever happens I'll have to start purging again because I will absolutely hate myself. My goal for this week is to not binge at all. However, I'm going to rephrase that as "Follow my meal plan" because doing something is easier than not doing something. So far today, it's all been fine. Fingers crossed. 

My non-binge/purge goal was to write my short story. I made progress, but it's still not finished and I haven't shown it to anyone. I'm afraid that it will be poorly written and that people will have lots of criticism about it, which will really hurt because I'm so emotionally involved in the story. 

My new goal will be to practice my instrument twice this week. Not only will it allow me to improve my playing skills, it'll make me feel good during rehearsal and give me something to do besides binge. 

What are your goals for the week?

10 Ways to Boost Self-Esteem

1.     Dance!

Whether it’s by yourself or with a group, dancing does all the right things for your brain to boost your mood and self-esteem. By yourself, you dance to whatever music you want, however you want, which allows you to express yourself freely. Group dancing is better, in my opinion. First, it forces you to meet new people, which makes you feel more worthwhile and wanted. Second, once you learn it, you have a great sense of accomplishment. Now you can dance, and that’s something that not everyone can say! Third, Moving to music makes people happier. It’s just a thing. And being happier will help with self-esteem.

2.     Do a good deed

This one’s another commonly mentioned tip. Even if it’s writing a letter to your grandparents, doing something good for someone else will make you feel like a better person, which can raise self-esteem.

3.     Paint your nails

Feeling like you look your best helps raise confidence, which is a self-esteem booster. Wearing fancy clothes isn’t always an option though, and sometimes I don’t want to risk standing out too much. But having painted nails is always fun, and unless you pick  booger-green as your color, it never makes you look bad.

4.     Do some art

Art is easy because there’s no wrong way to do it. When I’m feeling bad taking out a pencil and paper and drawing something allows me to get my mind off things and at the end I also feel good because I’ve created something beautiful. Hang up your stuff too, because if people see it, they’ll compliment it. And compliments make people feel good.

5.     Read Failblog

You’ll laugh, and knowing that other people can be stupider than you can be a good self-esteem boost.

6.     Listen to Positive Music

People have different tastes in music, so I don’t know if this would work for everyone, but listening to songs by Josh Groban and Michael W Smith can really lift my spirits. More importantly, I tried to put myself in the position of the person being sung to, and the lyrics became words of encouragement and love.

7.     Write words of encouragement to a nonexistent person who shares the qualities that you hate in yourself.

In treatment, other girls with bulimia would say outlandish things about their appearance and personalities. One girl confided that she was sure everyone thought that she was stupid because of some comment or other that she’d made earlier in the day. The other girls and I took part in trying to convince her that even if what she said was stupid, people didn’t think she was stupid because of it. And moreover, what she said really wasn’t stupid.

I’m pretty sure a lot of us have called ourselves stupid over something insignificant. I realized how hypocritical it was of me to be able to believe that this other girl is above being stupid, when I call myself stupid for the same reason, and don’t even fight against the belief. Sometimes talking to someone else like you can help you talk to yourself.

8.     Ask to hear stories of yourself as a kid

Assuming the person you ask will be nice, of course. Even if you think you’re a horrible, rotten, disgusting person now, you can’t dispute what you were like as a little kid, because you don’t remember yourself! And people only remember stories that are cute and fun about little kids, so you’ll get to hear about how you told a really funny story in kindergarten instead of about how got suspended for bringing a lighter to school in ninth grade. This can help remind you that at least you were ONCE an amazing person, even if you aren’t now. (although you’re all amazing people)

9.     Write down the worst thing you did.

Every detail, every feeling. Journaling oftentimes gives people a sense of purity after they’re done writing down all the bad feelings. I wrote in my diary about how I was having feelings for a guy other than my bf and I felt guilty, and as soon as I was done writing the entry the feelings for the guy and the guilt went away. I don’t know why it works, but it does. And getting the bad feelings out is a great way to open yourself up to more positive ones.

10. Babysit for a little kid

Kids are adorable, and if they’re little enough, they’ll look up to you for no other reason than that their mom said they have to, or that you’re older than them. There’s no need to prove yourself, no need to impress anyone, because no matter what you do, little kids will love you. Plus it’s additional positive social interaction. 

Greatest Shame

Being bulimic is one thing, but a thief? I hate myself for it. And yet, my eating disorder led me down that path. I never stole from a store, but last year my roommate stored bags of candy under her bed and left them there, open. She rarely ate from the bags, too. I was so in awe of that- how could she not scarf down all that delicious candy waiting to slide gracefully down someone’s throat? It was just BEGGING for someone to eat it!

Anyway, seeing the candy there all the time tortured me, because I had such strong impulses to binge on it, and she wasn’t doing anything with it. I didn’t want to ask her to move it, because we weren’t friends, and I was sort of scared of interacting with her.

So, eventually, I was on a binge rampage and I tore through her candy.

“My bulimia made me do it!”

No, no it didn’t. I know it’s not right to steal from people. I wasn’t insane when I went through her bag of candy, I just didn’t care about her feelings.

I did replace all of her candy after the fact, but that doesn’t make up for the fact that I took it without permission. Besides, that’s not the only thing I stole.

I took money from my bf- about a dollar, but still.

I would skim the tops of left-over food taken home from restaurants and hope that no one would notice. Once I was opening the lid on a cookie jar and someone walked in on me. I spent the subsequent week hiding out in my room whenever I wasn’t away from the dorm.

And here’s the worst thing: I took discarded food from trash cans and gulped it down. I always felt disgusted with myself whenever I did that, but it didn’t stop me. Food was too important.

Because of these things, I felt continuously paranoid that someone in the dorm would catch on and think less of me. Thus, I spent the latter part of my freshman year consumed in terror at the thought of entering my own room, or sitting downstairs with other people in my dorm. It was not a good place to be.

I never accepted responsibility for what I did (except for the candy) and thankfully I will never have to. I think it would break me down and only make things worse, truthfully. This year, I’d like to think that I won’t steal other people’s food or rummage around in trash cans to satiate myself. 

Admitting what I used to do is one way to make sure it doesn’t happen again. 

Goals of the Week 8

It's hard to believe I've been doing goals for two months now. They have helped a little bit. There have definitely been times where I wanted to do something contrary to my goal and was able to stop myself in order to achieve it. 
My binge/purge goal of last week was to not binge on dessert foods. I lasted 5 days. That's a lot, considering how poorly I had been doing at home! I'm going to keep the same goal this week, because I think it's a worthwhile goal and I think I can do it this week! 
My non-binge/purge goal was to spend at least an hour a day with the other suites. I think I did that but I'm not entirely sure. Mostly when I'm in their suite I'm spending time with my boyfriend and not with the other members, but they do see me and sometimes I talk to them. Does that count? 
My new goal will be to write my short story about the eating disordered person. Technically it's just homework, but it's homework that relates to this illness. 
What are your goals for the week?

1 Month of Success!

I have officially made it a whole month without purging!!
The thought still crosses my mind sometimes, so I have to continue to work at it. 
This month I will try not to binge. Today I've already failed, but I shall start anew!