Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Ed and his Swiss Rolls

Lately, I've been trying to write down conversations between Ed and I whenever I feel triggered. Here's one:

Ed: You’re already over the calorie limit. Go eat a swiss roll.
Emily: No. I am rational. I don’t want to eat the extra calories
Ed: Yes you do.
Emily: No. I do not. YOU do.
Ed: You do too.
Emily: I am not you.
Ed: I will force you to eat it.
Emily: You can’t. It’s my body.
Ed: Yeah right.
Emily: It is. And you’re RUINING it.
Ed: It’s not my body, I don’t care.
Emily: Exactly. Now leave me alone.
Ed: No. Go eat the swiss roll.
Emily: Leave me alone.
Ed: Ok. (leaves)

It looks like I beat him, but I ended up eating an entire box of swiss rolls a few minutes later. I give myself credit for stalling though, because I was a mess when this happened. A resident had pulled the fire alarm at my work, and I had messed up during the reaction, so my nerves and confidence were shot. 
Before this happened I composed an e-mail to my group members about the incident, which also helped me fight the urge. 

The conversations help me a lot. They let me get out all my negative feelings but I can attribute them to someone else so that I, Emily, can fight with positive ones. It makes resisting triggers easier, although for me I still end up engaging in the behaviors as of now. But it's a process, and I'm in the early stages of divorcing Ed. He hasn't gotten it though his thick skull yet that I don't want him around. 

If you try having a conversation with Ed, feel free to share it!


  1. I think this is brilliant. I love that it separates you from Ed. Even if you end up engaging in behaviors, you're being self-aware and postponing the behaviors as much as you can. Every little step is a step towards divorcing Ed. He'll get the point eventually :)

    To answer your question, my problem isn't so much with portions as it is with food choices. I'm trying to join in on the foods my family eat more often for some semblance of normality, though I end up chickening out a lot even with a small portion. I'm very apprehensive to give mum control over my food; we did the Maudsley approach years ago and it was a nightmare for all involved.

    Take care dear xx

  2. omg Ed though is an ass (I read it as the name Ed - like short for Edward or Edmund kind of Ed).
    youre in an abusive relationship with yourself bb
    that's amazing though. stalling is good. you're just taking baby steps and this is brill. this is brilliant sweetie.
    I never named my ED but I definitely have named my scale Rachel and it helps me when I gain because it's just like 'RACHELS BEING MEAN TO ME' sort of response which is nice

    -Sam Lupin

  3. I don't exactly talk to ED but I try to acknowledge the fact that I am engaging in the behavior. I will tell myself that "I am bingeing right now trying to get numb, it doesn't work, I know but it use to..." I guess this is sort of step one. Now stopping the activity is the next step.


Thanks for commenting! I appreciate it :)