Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Things I Don't Miss

from Restricting:
1. Anger at everyone when I was hungry
2. Hunger- constantly
3. Jealousy- of others when they got to eat stuff I didn't.
4. Tension about food
5. Headaches
6. Sleepiness

Things I Won't Miss from Bulimia:
1. Purging
2. Sore throat
3. Fullness
4. Despair
5. Swollen face
6. Guilt over eating
7. Stealing
8. Loss of control

I can't even imagine life without the sore throats and the purging. But I couldn't imagine life without restricting either, and then I stopped. 
There will come a day when I look back on these past two years and marvel about how I survived it, marvel at how stupid I was acting. I'll laugh to myself.

What won't you miss (or don't you miss) about your eating disorder?


  1. The shame... I'm ashamed when I eat.. I'm ashamed when I don't... I was so ashamed of hiding MIA.. Ashamed when I had to talk about it with the nurse while I was pregnant..

    I do wonder if the shame will someday go away..

  2. Sometimes I do miss Mia. The feeling of high when I was binging, and the feeling of relief and satisfactory after purging, were indescribable. It was great to eat whatever the hell I wanted, and still shed kilos like crazy.
    But then I remember how my life was when Mia was my best friend, and change my mind.
    I was always physically ill and tired, my teeth were rotting, my hair was falling out, my cheeks were swollen. I was also stealing food from friends, stealing pills and laxatives from the stores, even eating out of the garbage bin!....
    All these are the things I don't, and never will, miss about Mia.

  3. Things I won't miss: constant insecurity, constantly thinking there's something inherently wrong with me and taking anything personally and punishing myself because of this belief, being hungry, not eating what I wanted, not being able to enjoy eating out, not being able to work out as hard or lift as heavy because I'm too tired, moodiness, numbness, depression, people telling you that you look sick, people making a big deal about what you do or don't eat.

    Things I'll miss: being hungry, the numbers always going down, the perfectionism that led to good grades, fitting into things other people shorter than me couldn't, bones showing that shouldn't, having some weird, superhuman will to not have sugar and dessert. I'll miss weight loss. I won't miss the rest.

    I marvel all the time at how I pushed myself to the brink and then came back. Thank God. I guess there was more He had in store, so I'll keep going, relapse or not.


  4. I won't miss the extreme highs and lows of bulimia or the rigidity and inflexibility of anorexia
    I won't miss shoplifting binge food
    Cleaning the toilet multiple times a day
    Feeling like a failure
    Not being able to socialize
    Dizziness everytime I stand up

    I could go on and on..... x

  5. I won't miss how much I hated myself. The mood swings. The addiction. Bulimia is basically an addiction. To eating. To vomiting. And I hated being addicted. xoxo


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