Sunday, July 21, 2013

I can be Mean Sometimes

Whenever I describe myself, one of the first words I use is "nice." I think I'm pretty nice, and it's one of my qualities that I'm happy with. If someone told me I was mean, it would cut deep. 
Maybe I'm in denial. 
It's hard for me to admit, but I don't like some people. Admitting that I don't like certain others is like giving people license to not like me, which I can't deal with. I don't like one of my coworkers. I don't particularly enjoy my boss.  
People I don't like usually haven't done anything mean to me. I either witness them doing or saying something mean about others, or I just don't like their personalities. 
One girl I never even interacted with I didn't like just because she was always involved with drama between my friends. I found out she might have depression and I felt bad. 
I even dislike my ex-roommate, and I was the one who stole things from her! 

I gossip, of course. I can dish on people who don't deserve it. 

I think some people are ugly. I even think some people are uglier than me (how is that possible?). It doesn't mean I dislike them or that I think it's bad that they're ugly. On the contrary, I'm glad there are ugly people out there who can love their lives, because it means I don't have to wallow in self-pity and unhappiness.
(Interestingly, no one I've met with an ED or in the ED community has seemed less than exquisitely beautiful. It's intimidating and puzzling) 
I think some people are fat. Sometimes I look at my sister and think she's fat. And then I worry about thinking that, as if the thought will cause her self-esteem to plummet and send her headfirst into an eating disorder. 

I worry that my niceness is just an act I put on to hide my true mean-spirited feelings. I know everyone judges to some extent, but I don't know to what extent. The girls I've met in group therapy seem nicer than me, so I wonder if I'm actually mean. 
I don't want to be mean. I want to be nice. 
Maybe it's just who I am. 


  1. you aren't mean.
    that's just human nature. I think the lines between meanness and niceness is that you take into account others' feelings. you may be thinking the same thing as a mean person - but saying it out loud and keeping feelings to heart are what makes it different.
    and I don't believe that people can be truly mean. I believe that I cannot truly judge someone and say they are bad people based on their actions or their personality - I don't know their stories. I only know what they show, and fuck it - they could be hiding loads. that's it.
    any emotion I feel towards them is triggered by what they present to me, and honestly, it can be true. it can't be true. for instant, I find R very annoying but I still consider her a good human being because she is. that's just it I guess in the grand scheme of things. things are complicated, but I think if you know your morals, know what you truly think of people, then everything changes and you don't have to question it.
    perhaps it's just me babbling.
    maybe this didn't make any sense.
    who knows
    that's just my input, lovely. <3

    -Sam Lupin

  2. Every girl has a bitch in them, my opinion. Not saying every girl IS one, but humans have the capacity to be much nastier than we think we can. I don't think you're mean, I don't think you gossip or dislike people with intent to hurt them. It happens.

    As for how I told him so quickly...idk. I didn't want to lie to him or keep things from him, and he opened up to me about some heavy stuff that I didn't think he had really told anyone else. I have a bad habit of expecting people to share but never sharing anything myself. I don't know what's going to go on when I leave. I won't be back until thanksgiving/christmas, and he's graduating in december. Skype and talking a lot I guess. We'll see when we get there I suppose...Love you dear, take care. You're not a mean person, as far as I can tell.

  3. You aren't mean. You're honest. Even the nicest folk have people they don't like. It'd be impossible, and a lie, to not dislike a single person on earth. You're entitled to dislike people, to form your own opinion of them regardless of what others say.

    You're a good person Emily, never doubt that. Try to not let the negative self-talk get you down. You're worth more than you know <3

  4. Niceness is sort of a working quality, I think. I was a pretty nice person too but I realized there were areas of my life that weren't so nice and it became pertinent that I began to cleanse the inner hypocrite. I've finally gotten to the point where I rarely gossip and I rarely say a bad word about someone because God knows I've been horrible. We're never always nice. We're never always good. It's human nature. What's important is that you strive to clean yourself up a little every day. :)


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