You've Probably Had this Conversation

Ed: You’re fat.

Me: Why do you say that?

Ed: Because. You gained almost 10 pounds this summer. Look at that flab on your belly. And your pants are tight now. Your jeans barely fit.

Me: I know. But I'm healthy, not like those other times. I’m doing exercise now. I eat better.

Ed: No you don’t. You still binge. And you eat TONS of sweets.

Me: I have a lot of time to fix this. I didn’t gain 10 pounds, I gained 8. And I will lose it all once school starts again.

Ed: Damn right you will, because I won’t let you put a morsel of food in your mouth.

Me: Fine. I’ll let you do that if you leave me be right now.

Ed: Why not start early? I can help you lose weight. Just open up and let me pour in the thinness.

Me: You mean pour in the calories.

Ed: What’s the difference? You can eat all you want. That entire jar of peanut butter on the table will be nothing once I get through with you.

Me: I don’t feel like purging.

Ed: But you feel like eating.

Me: I’m not hungry. I’m going to drink some water.

Ed: Back to your weight.

Me: I’m healthy. No one says I look fat.

Ed: That’s because they’re being nice.

Me: I hate you. Stop making me feel bad.

Ed: Stop being fat.

Me: I’m going to walk away from you. I am not fat. I gained muscle from my job. That probably accounts for a couple pounds.

Ed: That and all the calories you eat.

Me: Yes, I’m eating more than enough calories per day. But I’m not bingeing so often anymore either. You’re scared because I’m cutting you out of my life. I don’t owe you anything. Just get out of my house.